Heart To Heart

I've been feeling like a slacker blogger of late. Not because I haven't been updating, of course. But more so because it feels like I haven't written anything of substance lately. Nothing life-changing. Nothing worthy of my looking back at it 5 years from today. They're all just come-and-go. All of it. Most of it. Pointless and purposeless. Worth a smile but not a memory.

Sigh.

Sure, there are laugh-inducing posts, lots of rants and a good sprinkling of anecdotes. But you've gotta admit, it's been awhile since I've been really honest here. The thoughtful, no-holds-barred, spill-everything, couldn't-care-less-about-what-other-people-think kind of honesty that seems to be such a rarity these days.


It's been awhile since I've dissected my thoughts. Awhile since I've put my feelings onto paper (or in this case, screen). It's been awhile since I've wondered about things unknown. Awhile since I've tried understanding what I don't. And I wonder why that is.


Maybe it's cos I'm not as conflicted as I used to be. Not as torn between lovers – who I am vs. who I want to be vs. who people expect me to be – as I used to be. Haha. (One of the little perks of Singlehood. You don't have to care about who other people want you to be and you don't have to worry about meeting the expectations of others. =p) Maybe. But then again, maybe not. I can't tell for sure.


I mean, it's not like I stopped thinking or wondering about things. (Hey, I'm a girl. We obsess over the silliest things. Deal with it.) It's not that I don't rationalise on Tinki Talks anymore. I do. I just don't do it as openly (really?), nor as honestly as I used to (liar).


I don't know if this change in my blogging was brought on by my not-so-irrational fear of being too vulnerable in No Man's Land. Maybe I'd unconsciously begun to censor my thoughts over time. Cyberspace is after all, a plot I don't own and can't protect. And to be vulnerable in such an open space is just. plain. scary. So... self-censorship in an effort to self-protect, perhaps?

*thinking*

Nah.

Gotta be cos dissonance is low within me.

*snorts*

But whatever. I'm sure there are things/happenings/feelings I'd like to log and remember. I just don't set aside time enough to do it. -_-'


I realise I can't keep doing what I'm doing. I can't keep writing falala stuff all the day long. Or else, I'm just going to find myself looking back once day, realising that I was a blogger who failed to be true to herself when she entertained.

I need substance. But substance takes time.
And Time, I don't have. Haih.