Philippians 1:21

There are times when pain is not physical. There are no bruises or bleeding. No abscesses or wounds to be cleaned. Nothing to be plastered or stitched up. No, it's invisible. It is pain that lives in heart and festers the soul. 

This form of suffering doesn't show up in scans. It's not measured in millilitres or temperature, or tracked through charts. It's the slow erosion of the will to endure. It's the grief that calcifies in the chest. It's the hopelessness that makes every breath feel like a burden.

For those of us who've been there – truly been there – death begins to look less like a thief in the night, and more like a gentle hand, extended in silence. Not cruel, but kind. Not cold, but calm. Because sometimes, death is not the enemy. It is release; it is mercy.


How much agony can a heart carry before it caves? I don't know. Perhaps, I will never know. But this I do know. Paul was right. 

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For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

– Philippians 1:21

Miss Hong Kong Feet

…seated 1 o’clock in front of me in church with her shoes off. 🥴🦶😮‍💨 Uh oh. Looks like it’s going to be one looooong Saturday Evening Service today. God, help me! 😫😷

JZ & JJ's 1st Communion

We hadn’t planned it in advance, but today, JZ and JJ ended up receiving their first communion during the Easter Weekend Service at Penang Christian Centre. A spontaneous milestone on a special weekend – unplanned, but no less meaningful. Definitely a moment worth dusting off Tinki Talks to jot down, so we never forget.

JZ's 1st Communion

JJ's 1st Communion

 

For JZ and JJ to have their first communion whilst sitting between The Husband and I during Easter weekend? It's gotta be divine timing, if you ask me. 😇


I’ve yet to ask JZ what he thought or felt about it. But JJ, who was sitting next to me, turned to me right after prayer, scrunched up his face and whispered, “The drink was bitter.” 🍷 Haha.


Okayyyy... 😅 Wait till you try real wine, kid. But it's all good. It's good if you don't like "wine," cos alcohol is bad for you. Mommy hates wine, too! I also think it’s bitter. 😆 #likemotherlikeson

Dealing With An Idiot

What does one do when one finds oneself trapped in the never-ending nightmare of dealing with a perpetual idiot who has made practising idiocy their life's calling? How many times is an idiot allowed to be idiotic before his/her idiocy becomes too much for one to bear? And what if, by some cosmic joke, one is tasked with the unenviable duty of managing a true master of idiocy? 

How to tahan dealing 

with an idiot day in and day out?? 

How to tahan, I ask you?!? 😤😡

The patience of a saint, the diplomacy of a seasoned diplomat, and a sense of humour that borders on the absurd – three things that are required for one to successfully deal with those who have made idiocy their life's calling; all of which, I do not have. 😕 So, I shall blog this rant, take a deep breath, steel myself for the idiocy ahead, and remember, this day shall end, sleep shall come, and when I awaken, His mercies are new every morning. 😮‍💨🌈☀️

Build The Bridge To Bridge The Gap

"God doesn’t like our pain either, but His plan for us is better than our just escaping it. 

He wants to heal us and redeem us, providing each of His children with an active hope and eternal comfort. But we can’t always see the ways He’s doing this, and many times we may wonder if we’re still on His agenda at all. This is why we need strength and courage too — to bridge the gap between hurt and healed. 

God tells us to be strong and courageous because He knows we will want to listen to the pain rather than to His promises. He knows we will want to find our own solutions and escape routes, and He understands we will struggle to trust His plan is good when it feels anything but. Our fear is not a surprise to Him, which means He has anticipated it and prepared for it with the gift of His Word. Because of these promises, we can be brave."

– Kaitlin Wernet, from The Book of Comforts

by Caleb Faires, Rebecca Faires,

Kaitlin Wernet, Cymone Wilder.

--------------

We need strength and courage to bridge the gap

between hurt and healed, said she.

WOW. And indeed we do.

Well said and beautifully worded.

For the journey is long, and hard, and tough, and tiring. Sometimes, painful; often, lonely. So yes, having walked a short mile on this path the Lord has set me on, I have to agree – strength and courage is the name of this wretched game. 

I think I took my first diagnosis moderately well.

I accepted my fate, trusted my doctors, did everything that was prescribed, and adapted to life as a survivor. I praised God throughout and was pretty calm about the whole situation, believing that what we were doing would be enough to keep Cancer at bay and that this was a one-off occurrence that we could put behind us after I was done with treatment. But then...

During a scheduled 6-month CT the moment I was done

with my year-long treatment plan, they found a new lump.

Another biopsy and a stressfully long wait later,

our worst fears were confirmed and had come back to haunt us

– the cancer had semi returned in the form of a DCIS.

During this time, I went through a handful of bluesy days. I was downcast and depressed. To sum it up in a word, what I felt then was hopelessness. But God brought our SIBKL cell, Faithful Friends, into my life for such a time as this. They arranged a Spirit-led Zoom call that shook me up, lifted my spirit, and brought me back from the horrible depths of hopeless desolation. 

It was after that that my perspective shifted.

I now believe that the fight with Cancer is ultimately an endurance game. A test of mental, physical and spiritual stamina. An Ironman multi-athlon of sorts, which puts your body, mind and spirit through the ultimate test of grit, tenacity, determination, long-suffering, patience, and perseverance. 

How many times can you get back up again when avalanche after avalanche of bad news hits often and hard, when wave after wave of physical suffering and pain tries its best to knock you down, and when tsunami after tsunami of medical bills attempt to financially drown you? How many times can you just. keep. on. going? How many times must you keep on going?

The answer is – Every. Single. Time.

It's not enough to be positive, joyful and faithful the first time around. You have to get into the right mindset every single day. BUT... how do you slay negativity, find joy and keep the faith in the thick of tribulation? When faced with sickness, pain, suffering, and possibly even death? 

Well, it's not easy, I'll tell you that.

But it's not impossible.

How can I be so sure? 

Because God is good. And He is faithful. And His Word tells us that He will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear. AND EVEN WHEN – not if but WHEN, says the Bible – we are tempted at some point or another – to give up, to give in and to just surrender and quit (it's true, I've been there 😔) – the beauty of it all is that He will also provide a way out so that we can endure it (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Your job, as you wait upon the Lord,

is to be strong and courageous (1 Chronicles 22:13),

not lose heart, and make this season of renewal and purification

for the sake of eternity really count (2 Corinthians 4:16-17).

However tough, trying, demotivating and difficult your situation right now, remember: Your suffering is never in vain. God is using your pain for a purpose – to mould you, shape you and refine you. To get you from where you are, to where you should be. More importantly, to bridge the gap between who you are and who you should be. 

Whatever you're going through, the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords has deemed you able. And if He thinks you can do it, cummon! You. can. do. it! Fight the good fight and finish the race having kept the faith (2 Timothy 4:7)! The best part of it all is that you don't have to do it alone. For His promise is that He will never leave you nor forsake you. 

God gives His toughest battles to

His strongest soldiers. And don't worry.

He never abandons them on the battleground, ok.

So, friend... as you brave this fight with cancer, remember that you. are. not. alone. He is with you and for you, so nothing can be against you (Romans 8:31). And if you're a survivor and need a friend to pray and journey along with you, write me.

Philippians 1:21

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."

– Philippians 1:21

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Paul was right. His Word is true.

To die is gain.

Thinking The Right Thoughts; Asking The Right Questions

I don’t consider myself an exceptionally deep thinker. Sure, I think a lot about a lot of things. But only in the way that many thoughts cross my mind often about many things – some trivial, some mindless, some pointless, some not.

What day is it today?

Have I washed the kids’ uniforms?

What should I cook for lunch?

When will my Tesco order arrive?

Do the kids have any glue stick left?

Why does my left wrist hurt?

When is my next doctor’s appointment? 

But that’s about it most days. Just random thoughts that ebb and flow from one to another without great consequence in the grand scheme of things. Neither fun nor depressive; only mundane. 

Most days, I am kept busy with the house and the kids. Freelance work has also been taking up quite a bit of mind-space of late so that’s been a welcomed escape from the humdrum of SAHM life. Usually, this is enough to take me from Wake to Sleep without break or rest. 

But there are days when

this one evil thought rears it ugly head.

When the dishes are piled high in the sink, when the laundry is yet to be done, when the trash hasn’t been taken out, when I can’t see my dining table under all the home-learning mess, when the kids misbehave, when relationships sour, when Me Time is scarce… it’s there.

“What is the point?”

What is the point of it all? What is the point of being alive? What is the point of surviving cancer only to be faced with an overflowing kitchen sink every single day? What is the point of living if all there is in store for me is to be a slave to everyone else around me? What is the point of persisting if all there is to look forward to is punishment? 

And just as I think it, I chastise myself for it.

How could I even think such a thing?? How dare I!

After all that has been done to keep me from death.

All the money spent – hundreds of thousands in surgery, treatment and follow-up costs. All the people inconvenienced – to cook and clean and help with the kids during my downtime. All that time lost – especially with my growing-up children whose childhoods feel nearly over. All the prayers prayed – so many of them whispered, yet answered all the same. 

It stabs me with such guilt that it tears me up inside and stops me in my tracks, rendering me unable to move forward without attempting (sometimes in vain) to silence the thought and beg the Lord for forgiveness.

It instantly makes me feel like I’m the most ungrateful person on the planet – ungrateful for the life that I’ve been so fortunate to have. For the extension of Life itself that I am so blessed to be given in spite of the tribulations I’ve been through, and the challenges I still endure, and the trials I have yet to face.

Unfortunately, if I'm being honest,

it isn't just once that I've thought it. 😔

When life gets hard and everything seems to be going wrong, it comes knocking at the corners of my mind. More frequently than I’d like these days, no thanks to the lack of pleasantly distracting activities and socially rewarding outlets due to the return of MCO 3.0.

Perhaps all this negativity will stop when lockdown eases and normalcy resumes. Maybe I'll stop thinking this way when my world goes back to being bigger than the confines of my home. I guess a visit to the mall for some window-shopping will help, too. Oh, and I know good food and easy chit-chat in the company of friends definitely will. 

But deep in my heart, I know, I know, I know that at the end of the day, the problem boils down to this: I'm asking the wrong question. So, the only way to stop this crippling guilt and depressing spiral is to change the question altogether. And if I get the question right, it'll all be alright.

Stop asking, "What is the point?"

Start asking, "What is my purpose?"

Testimony: The Missing Piece

It's 12.22am as I begin writing this.

It's late and I really should be in bed,

but I felt that this couldn't wait.

I wanted to write out this testimony

before I forget the details.

#chemobrain #thestruggleisreal

--------

I bought a 2000-piece jigsaw puzzle last Saturday. I've been happily working on it for the last 3 days and as I neared the end of the first half of the puzzle today, I began to realise that I could be missing a piece. (I worked on them by colour so I could kind of tell.)

Well, I reached the end of the first thousand after dinner today, and true enough, one piece was missing. 🧩 NooOOooOooOooooo!!! You know how it is with jigsaw puzzles... a single lost piece and that's it. You're screwed. 😣

The missing piece.

I panicked. Got super upset with myself. I grabbed our brightest torchlight and started hunting high and low. Dug around the sofa, checked under the beds, and looked under the tables – nada. All I found was dust and two stray pieces of the boys' Lego. 😩

I got so desperate I even went online, googled the manufacturer (Pintoo) and went into the customer support page to ask if I could purchase the missing piece. I even contemplated buying another full box because there was an Amazon "Buy Now" button sitting right there to tempt me. 🙈🙉🙊


Shen helped me look for awhile, too, then asked me to pray. So, I said a silent prayer – a desperate plea for God to step in and offer me some help 😅 – and went about looking again. Frustration overwhelmed me. I was angry, hot, flustered, and so super upset. 

Worst thing was, our daily helper came by today.

I worried that she might have cleared it away. 😰

I texted her – hoping she didn't vacuum it up and toss it into the bin. She said that she didn't. That offered me some relief and I believed her cos while she was cleaning, she did ask me where I bought my puzzle and said she liked puzzles, too. So... with an appreciation for jigsaw puzzles, I wouldn't think she would have thrown it away lah. Fingers crossed. 🤞


I asked that she help me lift or move the sofa the next time she comes so I can look under it properly. That was my only hope. I'd looked everywhere possible. That was the only place I couldn't reach nor see. So, I had to wait. Sigh. And I resigned myself to the fact that I won't find the missing piece until then. 😞

BUT THEN...

Before I went to bed, I decided to take one last look around. I checked the desk and the box. And I saw the second half of the puzzle, which I hadn't touched, still in its bag. I thought to myself – "Forget it la. What's the point of finishing the puzzle now when it can't even be completed." 😞

But then a part of me also felt that maybe – just maybe – they packed it wrong? Maybe my missing piece wasn't "missing" after all and that it was in the other bag I hadn't opened?? #hopeful 😁 #delusional 😅

So, I decided to open it up. While I poured out the 1000 pieces, I shook the bag to make sure every last piece came out. It was then that it suddenly dawned upon me that maybe I didn't shake the bag the first round because I was so excited to start working on it!! 😱

So, I immediately dug through my trash. And guess what? It was. Right. There. Sitting in one corner of the crumpled up plastic baggie it came in. The same one that I had already thrown into the bin and covered up with other bits of trash from other days past.

Now, here's the super duper miracle. The helper forgot to take out the trash in my room today. Just like she did on Saturday when she came, too!! I was just complaining to JJ about it earlier this afternoon – saying that she forgot to take out my trash AGAIN today.

Well, God works in mysterious ways, doesn't He?

If she had taken out the trash last Saturday, that puzzle would have been long gone. 🗑️ (I grumbled about it then.) If she had done it today when she came again, it would also have been gone. 🗑️ (I also complained about it today.)

I'm also usually quite fussy and I would have tossed out the trash myself in a huff if she had forgotten. I did that the other times she forgot. But I didn't this time. No idea why. 🤷‍♀️ I just didn't. Maybe I was too busy dedicating any free time I could spare with fixing the puzzle. Haha. 

So, yes. God answered my simple but desperate prayer tonight. Over one little, tiny piece of jigsaw puzzle. 🧩 Quite insignificant in the big scheme of things but important to me nonetheless. Truly, our God is the God of both, the big things, and the little things in our lives. What's important to you, is important to Him. 

My other lesson learnt tonight is this: no matter how impossible or forlorn of hope the situation, we should never give up. I was already on the verge of packing it all up and shelving the puzzle. But if I had surrendered to my situation and decided that this lost piece made the whole puzzle a lost cause, then I would never have had the epiphany that the missing piece was still in the bag. 

It's also important to note that all in all, it took two mishaps for my miracle to take place at the end of the day. (The helper forgetting to take out the trash – not once, but twice!) If those two "bad things" hadn't happened earlier on, I wouldn't have gotten my miracle anyway.

The problem with us humans is that while we're in the middle of our pain, and in the thick of our troubles, we often complain, grumble and gripe. Simply because we cannot understand the hows and whys, and don't see the ending yet.


But it doesn't have to be that way. Life may not be perfect. But we don't have to grumble, struggle and hate the journey. If we could only choose to rest in Him, and see all our pain as a necessary part of God's good, greater, perfect plan, we wouldn't beat ourselves up over things as much. 

So, if there's a takeaway from this missing puzzle testimony, it's this: whatever your troubles and whatever tough times you're going through, take heart and do not give up!! God is working in ways we do not understand – AMEN! 🙏

God Speaks

In the early days that we discovered this new mass, The Husband and I decided to embark on some couple scripture reading. Meaning, we both read the same books in the Bible – he suggested Psalms and Matthew – but not necessarily sit down and read it together at the same time. I agreed. I followed the plan as diligently as I could. If I missed a day, I made up for it the day after. I didn't plan the timing of it all, and I don't believe it's coincidence that this was tonight's chapter:

There is so much encouragement to be found in Psalm 16,

especially considering this is my last night at home, pre-surgery.

From His safety and refuge (i.e. a safe operation), to pleasant boundary lines (i.e. no spread of cancer beyond the DCIS), to not being abandoned in the realm of the dead (i.e. won't die on the operating table 😅), to no decay (i.e. the tissues and flaps will survive the op) – it all comforts me so.

Also, I somehow keep getting reminders to stay joyful as I journey along this narrow path. And I must admit, that as the days go by, it's getting easier and easier to smile and rejoice, in spite of all that is to come. 

Do I not fear the surgery? Sure I do. Do I not wonder if life will ever be the same again post-op? Of course! But I know that I have a good and faithful God whose plan for me is perfect. And though the journey is tough, He will never leave me nor forsake me. It is well. 

Word In Season; Friend Indeed

Some people you don't know very long but end up bonding with very quickly. Sometimes it's because you're at the same stage of life, sometimes you're in similar situations, sometimes it's shared goals or interests... it can be anything and everything that sparks an instant friendship.

Have you had friends like that?

Like connection online and

channel just very flow liddat. ⚡️🔥

I find my friendship with Josephine somewhat like that. Even until now, I've only met her face to face like... I dunno, a dozen times max? But even then, conversation is easy and the friendship is relaxed. We're nowhere close in age – as she would like me to remember 😒 – but some days, it feels like I inherited a younger sister. (She knew my dad first.)

Before dinner together last night,

Dee pulled out a little purple pack

from his pocket and passed it to me.

Comforting words from Do It Again by Elevation Worship.

I recognise these stickers from Prince of Pins.

Inside?

Karangan panjang lebar (P&C) 🤓

+ a beautiful pin from Prince of Pins. 😍 

"God is within her, she will not fall.

God will help her at break of day."

– Psalm 46:5 (NIV)

Amen.

Thank God for good friends,

long messages and pretty pins. 🥰

Good News + Bad News

The good news is that the lump that was discovered is not considered a cancerous lump. Hooray! 🥳  #Godisgood The bad news is that it's a ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS), which is defined as a pre-cancer. Boo-hoo. 😞 #cancersucks Either way, it means that we'll have to proceed with surgery. How drastic and how major... well, that's up for discussion.

Time to do some research and pray for wisdom! 🙏 

His Mercies Are New Every Morning

Great is His faithfulness. 🙏

-----------

I was hoping to get an early callback from my Breast Surgeon yesterday with my biopsy results. But the only one who called was a J&T Express delivery man who set The Husband's heart racing. 😅😂 Guess I will be keeping my Saturday morning appointment after all.

Having said that, I'm feeling a lot better about things today. His Word tells me that all things will work together for good. So why should I fear or be weary, and face the day with dread and sorrow? Have a great day, guys! I will, too! 🌅 

Finding Hope With Faithful Friends

God has truly blessed us with good friends during our time in KL. One group of such friends is our SIBKL cell group, who are aptly named Faithful Friends.

Because faithful friends they truly are.

I was feeling pretty out of it since my biopsy on Tuesday. Disconnected and disinterested with things. Overall just down and depressed. I was also nursing a bad headache and just wanted to shut out the world and go to bed by 8pm.

But Faithful Friends core group asked for a Zoom call to pray with us tonight at 9pm so... paiseh ma. People ask to pray for you then you reject – how can right?? So I ma said, ok lor. Just out of obligation and paiseh-ness. 😅

But deep down in my heart,

I was actually dragging my tiny little ticker feet

over having to "meet" people and tired of having to

verbalise my sad sob situation all over again. 😣

It started with me explaining what was going on to the cosy group of 9 leaders, with The Husband by my side. When asked how I felt, I confessed aloud for the very first time – I feel... less hopeful this time around. 😔 #letsbehonest

They listened quietly.

Then one by one,

they took turns to uphold us in prayer.

Some cried, I cried. It was a real sob fest when we started. 😂 But midway through, the spirit shifted. The heaviness lifted. God spoke to me through his people and I was reminded to be happy. And joyful. And to fill myself with laughter instead of sadness.


The Zoom call ended on a high note. My head was still pounding... but my spirit was lifted from the outpouring of love and care from these people who – to be honest – are no longer obligated to shepherd and care for us, now that we've left KL. Our cell leader even told us:

"You see la. I ask everybody for core meeting,

everybody say tonight cannot. Suddenly I said,

"Core, let's pray for Pam," everybody is online."

LOL.

I feel so fortunate and grateful to have friends who will rally around me like this in times when I am weak and my spirit is downcast. Truly, I am blessed. ❤️

Photo taken during our KL farewell organised by Faithful Friends

@ Italia & Ribs, Plaza Damas on 20 July 2019.

Lau Gin Na: When Mommies Die... Or Don't They?

It was bedtime and we've had a long day. I was just preparing the kids that I wouldn't be at home tomorrow morning because I had my annual ultrasound and mammogram due – yes, it's been a year 🌈 – when JJ turned to me with earnest eyes and asked...

JJ: Mommy? What happens when you die?

Pam Song: Hmm? What do you mean?

JJ: What happens to us when you die?

🥺 My heart broke when I heard the worry

behind his seemingly innocent question. 💔

Sigh. I feel so sorry that my kids are plagued with such heavy thoughts for children so young. I know I should have gone into how it would be okay and that there are people who will still love and care for him and yada-yada-yada. And that someday, we will meet again after death and be together once more in heaven and bla-bla-bla. But... it wasn't that kind of night. And I felt that he just wanted reassurance that I would be okay. So instead, I said... 

Pam Song: *comfortingly* I will never die.

JJ: 😲 What???

Pam Song: (Nonsense lai liao. 😅😂) Ya. Mommies never die.

JJ: Huh!? Why?! 

Pam Song: Cos when mommies die no one takes care of the kids. So God takes special care of mommies. 

JJ: Ohhhh... That makes sense!

Pam Song: 😂😂😂

And then he snuggled up to me and promptly fell asleep.

Life is short. And every moment is precious. But sometimes we fail to see the truth in those words until we're hit by the tough realities of life – like sickness, suffering and sadness. And as much as I am forever changed by Cancer, I need to remember, so are my kids. They just don't know it yet. 😔 #cancersucks

Styling Up For TOP's WoW "Secrets Of Style" Workshop By Elizabeth Hor

It's been a loooong time since I've dressed up. Like, a SUUUUUUPER long time. In fact, I'm a hundred percent sure I haven't dressed up since we came back to Penang in mid-2019 and discovered the cancer. Before that, I think the last time I dressed up was for my farewell with either the #ChilternMoms or the #CHSuperMoms back in KL. I haven't worn heels since like, forever, too.


But today, no choice. Have to dress up. Haha. Instructed to pakai ons sikit and get with the "dress your best" theme for Women of Worth (WoW) Secrets of Style workshop. So since no more chemo (read: tiredness), no more Nivestim™ (read: acne), and no more hair-loss (read: eyelash loss) to worry about, ok la. I gather strength, awaken my inner diva, and layan a bit. Put on a wee little bit of eyeliner and smudge on some lipgloss. Hahahaha.

Wah, I really like the lighting in my new wardrobe. Perfect for selfies!

Mee and I, all dressed up, and on the way to church to serve!

Driving also can smile and pose. LOL.

Next few photos, courtesy of Jo.

Mee in action.

Worship team in action with a thorn amongst the roses.

Give me an award cos I'm in heels! 👠

All the not-so-single ladies. 💃💃💃

Style guru, Elizabeth Hor.

"You can't be who you are if you

can't see who God meant you to be.

Are you being who you are meant to be?"

– Elizabeth Hor, Founder and CEO

of Elizabeth Image Branding

She has an amazing testimony of how God's Word helped her see herself in a different light in spite of the past she was dealt with during her formative years. Learned a lot from her today and also confirmed that I am a small pear. 🍐 LOL. No points for guessing who's Big Pear. 🤪

Pearing up.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful I know that full well."

– Psalm 139:14 –

TOP 2019 Watchnite Service Testimony Mini Series – Part 6: God Knows Your Limits

NOTE: This testimony is the last of 6 instalments. Click on the links below to read the others that came before it.

• Part 1: God's Timing
• Part 2: Trust Him
• Part 3: He Answers Prayers
• Part 4: God Uses People
• Part 5: God Provides

And my final testimony in this mini series is this:


PART 6: GOD KNOWS YOUR LIMITS

God doesn’t give us more than we can bear. I'm a practical person. Realistic. Pragmatic. A doer. A hope-for-the-best-prepare-for-the-worst, do-whatever-it-takes-to-make-it-work kind of person. Maybe that’s why God felt that – ok la. Of all people, she can take it. Then she can help others. I don’t know. 🤷‍♀️ But what I do know is this:


1 Corinthians 10:13 says that God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted [tested] beyond your ability [beyond what you are able], but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

So, if you’re going through a bad patch, remember this:

God gives the hardest battles

to his strongest soldiers. 💪

He gave you this challenge because he knows you CAN handle it… IF you go through it being dependent ON Him. And after He helps you through it, it’s your turn to use what He has equipped you with so you can help others through their pain.

I have so many more mini testimonies to share from this chapter in my life but I shan’t take up so much of your time. The conclusion to each and every story are all the same anyway. In all things, I give thanks, and through all things, I look to Him. For my God is good, and He is faithful. Year 2020 will be a good year. Amen.

TOP 2019 Watchnite Service Testimony Mini Series – Part 5: God Provides

NOTE: This testimony is the 5th of 6 instalments. Click on the links below to read the others that came before it.

• Part 1: God's Timing
• Part 2: Trust Him
• Part 3: He Answers Prayers
• Part 4: God Uses People

Which brings me to my next testimony...


PART 5: GOD PROVIDES

Chemo wasn’t easy on the body but I tried taking it in stride. Before my second round of chemo, my mom and I were talking over dinner about what I would need to bring along with me to make my many hours undergoing treatment, more comfortable.

We talked about two things in specific – bringing a Thermos along so I have a hot drink on hand, and keeping warm with something to put on. (The treatment room is pretty chilly and it feels colder still when the cold IV fluid runs through my veins.)

All my Thermoses and hot water bottles were still in KL. And we couldn’t decide between a jacket and a shawl because a jacket is warmer but I would be stuck wearing it all the time cos of the line in my hand. A pashmina, on the other hand, isn’t quite warm enough.

Well, little did we know that while we were discussing this, God had already provided me with a poncho – the perfect chemotherapy outfit that’s warm without sleeves to get in the way of the IV line. A friend of mine from KL had sent me a care package and it was sitting in my mom’s car as we spoke. I just hadn’t opened the parcel yet.

And as for the Thermos, another friend visited a few days later and gifted me one! So by the time I went in for round 2 of chemo, I was all set. Coincidence? I think not. The Bible tells us in Philippians 4:19 that our God shall supply all our needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

Let me also read Matthew 6:26-32 to you.

26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

So, yes. I am so grateful for friends who act when the Holy Spirit prompts them. And through them, I know that my God is taking care of me. He knows what I need before I even know it myself! So, why should I worry when the God of the universe is watching out for me?

TOP 2019 Watchnite Service Testimony Mini Series – Part 4: God Uses People

NOTE: This testimony is the 4th of 6 instalments. Click on the links below to read the others that came before it.

• Part 1: God's Timing
• Part 2: Trust Him
• Part 3: He Answers Prayers

After the lumpectomy, we decided to seek a second opinion in Singapore. Even with regards to this, I have a testimony.


PART 4: GOD USES PEOPLE

This story began in KL. I signed JZ up for CCF in his school in KL and somehow always thought that it was run by Christian teachers in the school. Only in his last semester there did I discover that it was actually parent-run. So blur, right?? I immediately offered to help out.

During the last CCF meeting of that last term, I met up with a fellow parent volunteer – one of the leaders in the team. We had one meal together on my last day serving in CCF, and that was it. I left for Penang after that and we never saw each other again.

Somehow, when I found out I had cancer, she was the only one I actively sought out to journey through this chapter with me. This woman whom I served with for just ONE term and had ONE meal with, whom I probably won’t meet again. I also don’t know why I felt led to share the news with her.

(It was only later that I realised how important her role was

in assuring us that the treatment we were going with was right.)

When I was looking for an oncologist to see, a particular name came up from numerous sources. An acquaintance said that this fantastic onco was her church member and that she could secure us an appointment. Well, she tried and failed.

But this CCF friend of mine just went above and beyond. She took the initiative to ask her high-school mate – who’s currently a specialist at the same hospital as that doctor – to get me an appointment. And she got it, and set it… without even me asking her to do so!

Truly, God brought the right people into our lives to help us see the right doctors to show us what to do next. I learned that sometimes, God uses people to answer prayers and make miracles happen. And sometimes, when we step up to meet a need – just like my CCF friend did for me – we are being the miracle that person prayed for.

I also learned that if you feel prompted to do something – like sharing a word of encouragement, or showing kindness, or perhaps just sending someone a text to ask them to journey with you 😁 – act on it… the Holy Spirit prompts us for a reason. All we have to do is obey, and God will do the rest.

TOP 2019 Watchnite Service Testimony Mini Series – Part 3: He Answers Prayers

NOTE: This testimony is the 3rd of 6 instalments. Click on the links below to read the others that came before it.

• Part 1: God's Timing
• Part 2: Trust Him

So… what happened during the lumpectomy?


PART 3: HE ANSWERS PRAYERS

Well, the lump I had was 3cm in size. Not small at all, especially considering I'm not busty to begin with. But guess what? We discovered that, in spite of the size, there was no spread at all to any other organ or lymph node in my body.

Results of further testing on the cancer post surgery also showed us that the margins of removal were clear. That means that my surgeon managed to remove all cancerous cells even without technology present to double check her work before stitching me up again, unlike what they are able to do in Singapore.

Before surgery, we also prayed hard for there to be no spread so that the next steps would be simple, straight forward and direct. And truly it is as Proverbs 8:29 says – “when he gave the sea its boundary so the waters would not overstep his command, and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.”

We thank God for His mercy and we are grateful that He marked out the areas for us so no cancer cell could go beyond the lump. This meant that I could go ahead with chemo right away without wasting time, or having to go through another surgery, which would have most likely been a mastectomy.

Truly, He is a God who answers prayers.

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Side Note & Additional Information:
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I really thank God for leading us to Dr Teh Yew Ching (my Breast Surgeon) through Dr Shaun Khoo Boo Hock (her husband – also a surgeon) via Dr Yeoh Chee Lim (my OBGYN) those many years ago – seven, to be precise – and praise God she turned out to be a super surgeon!

We really didn't have to second-guess anything that was said to us, and there wasn't even a mad scramble to find a good doctor to begin with. I see now that God led us to the very best doctors in their respective specialities to give us the best advice and care possible during crunch time.

TOP 2019 Watchnite Service Testimony Mini Series – Part 2: Trust Him

NOTE: This testimony is the 2nd of 6 instalments. Read the 1st instalment on God's Timing here.


But how did I find out I had cancer in the first place?


PART 2: TRUST HIM

It all started when I suspected I was pregnant. It was so weird cos I felt a letdown (something you only feel while breastfeeding) out of nowhere. Upon investigating, I felt a lump that resembled a plugged milk duct. I thought it was strange but we had wanted to get pregnant anyway so I didn’t think much of it. In fact, I felt hopeful! (Could it be hormones?) And true enough, 2 weeks later, we tested positive – I was pregnant.

Unfortunately, the joy was short-lived. The helper at home served me some juice a few days later with pineapple in it and, of all people, I’m super sensitive to it. So sensitive that my gynaecologist once instructed me to stop eating it. So, we lost the baby within the hour. I was heartbroken and cried like crazy that day.

But no time to dwell on that for long because the lump didn’t go away after my body went back to normal. So, I set an appointment with a breast surgeon we knew and got it checked out. Many tests and about a week later, I was lying in a hospital bed recovering from a lumpectomy that was performed to remove the cancer.

The lesson is this:

We are micro people who do not

yet see God’s macro plan.

Getting pregnant, losing our baby, discovering cancer, beating cancer. We thank God that all things worked together for the good of those who love Him. Wonder, worry, joy or sadness – whatever you’re going through, remember: it is not the end and you cannot see what’s ahead. So just put your trust in Him. If we hadn't gotten pregnant, we never would have found the lump. If we hadn't lost the baby, we would never have been able to prioritise my health and treatment.

Truly He is in control.