Sunday, April 07, 2019

To Move Or Not To Move?

...that is the question. πŸ€” 


Have been toying with the idea of manually transferring all my previous Dayre posts back to TinkiTalks here on Blogspot. Simply because I hate having all my posts scattered everywhere in every location on the net. I'm already heartbroken that I somehow lost YEARS of postings and comments when Friendster killed of Friendster Blogs so, I really don't want that to happen again with whatever I put on Dayre between 17 Dec 2013 and 13 Oct 2016.


BUT...


The thing that frustrates me is that I didn't "blog" on Dayre cos of its nature and formatting. I just verbal diarrhoea-ed my day as I went through it. So how do I transfer those posts and classify them here on Blogspot? 🀷🏻‍♀️ By day? By topic? What topic!? There was no topic! Not other than that Breastfeeding 101 post I wrote to help other moms who were struggling with breastfeeding. 🀦🏻‍♀️ And what about the stickers? Do I just transfer them over like pictures and use them to punctuate my posts? Or do I just leave them out altogether?


Argh! The OCD in me cannot take it!!

Frustrates la. Many, many frustrates.

Monday, April 01, 2019

Living A Life Where Change Is Constant

University Hospitals lists the top 5 most stressful life events as follows:
  • Death of a loved one. 
  • Divorce. 
  • Moving. 
  • Major illness or injury. 
  • Job loss.

I'm grateful to not to have had to deal with the stress from 4 of the life events mentioned above. (Not counting Kong Kong and Princess' deaths. 😒) But the only one that I have been through – moving – well, I've done that so many times I've more than made up for the lack of the rest.


Was talking to an old friend from Penang this morning when it suddenly dawned upon me that I've moved homes 12 times since I was 17. That's TWELVE TIMES in the last 17 years of my life, yo. No exaggeration. Let's recount just for kicks.


πŸ“¦ MOVE #1 @ January 2002 – Moved from my family home in Penang to a triple-sharing rented room in KL to begin my college life at Taylor's College, Subang Jaya (TCSJ). 13 girls in 1 rat-infested, flasher-frequented house. Yay!


πŸ“¦ MOVE #2 @ January 2003 – Moved to a twin-sharing room in a small shoplot that's closer to class. 10 girls, 1 shower, 1 toilet, total fire-hazard. But who cares? GOT WASHING MACHINE! Woohoo! No need to carry 8kg of laundry from home to the laundrette or hand-wash anything ever, ever, ever again amen!


πŸ“¦ MOVE #3 @ Early 2004 – Tenanted The Husband's aunty's empty double-storey house in USJ 9 with some friends and had an awesome degree life there. My own room, at last – whoopee! My first time having a queen bed to sleep on, too – yay! This place was quite a distance from TCPJ Bali campus so my parents ended up buying me my first car for easy commuting. All things considered, it was definitely a good year for a teenager. Haha. πŸš—πŸ’¨


πŸ“¦ MOVE #4 @ 3rd Quarter 2007 – Moved into the master bedroom of a unit at Damansara Perdana that was tenanted by a colleague from MCKL. This was my first time living out of Subang area since moving down to KL. No choice but to move lah because the USJ 9 house was to be sold, but also glad to move cos Damansara Perdana was so much closer to MCKL – my workplace at the time. That meant no more hour-long car rides to and fro from work, and no need to pay toll. No complaints also cos I finally had an adjoining bathroom! Wheee!


πŸ“¦ MOVE #5 @ January 2008 – Moved to a double storey house in Ara Damansara with the same MCKL colleague. (Our previous home owner wanted to sell the place.) Got a bigger room so yay! Only horror was finding out that the water pressure was super shit after we moved in. 😰🀦🏻‍♀️


πŸ“¦ MOVE #6 @ January 2009 – Moved in with The Owner – the easiest-going housemate I ever had, who was also the first housemate who was neither a friend, nor a colleague, nor a college-mate. We basically had nothing and no one in common but heck, I was really blessed to have the best time of my life with the E0506 gang. (Yup, with The Owner, it was "Buy 1, Free 5" because his group of college friends were tight and we ended up hanging out together often during the weekends.)


πŸ“¦ MOVE #7 @ Mid-2010 – Moved back into my family home in Penang and started work at KRPG. That meant bye-bye, friends! 😭 Bye-bye familiar hangouts! 😭 Bye-bye, KL shopping! 😭 Bye-bye, 4As agencies! 😭 Bye-bye, global accounts! 😭 Bye-bye CHCKL! 😭 Bye-bye, adjoining toilet! 😭 But hello, family + free meals. LOL.


πŸ“¦ MOVE #8 @ Mid-2011 – Moved in with my in-laws when I began married life. Lots of adjusting to do and discoveries to make in my newly minted marriage and with living in an unfamiliar family home. Not easy considering The Husband was away for work 5 days out of 7!


πŸ“¦ MOVE #9 @ End-2011 – Moved down to live in Mont Kiara, KL to be with The Husband as post-marriage LDR just wasn't ideal for us after having already gone through 10 YEARS of LDR. Cukup la, bro!


πŸ“¦ MOVE #10 @ 2nd Quarter 2012 – Moved back into Subang as Mont Kiara was the worst hell hole ever! I hated living there. The toilet stank, the house was perpetually dusty, the roads were badly paved, food was expensive, and the traffic jams were horrendous! Day and night – always jammed! What the heck!?! I dunno why I still have so many friends living there. No un. πŸ€”


πŸ“¦ MOVE #11 @ October 2014 – Moved to our current condo which is closer to the city and also closer to JZ's preschool. This move was exceptionally trying and tiring for me because I had all of 2 days to pack up and move everything because I was in Penang before that to deliver JJ. This also meant that I was moving homes fresh out of confinement with 1mo JJ πŸ‘ΆπŸ» and 1y23mo JZ πŸ‘¦πŸ» with me. Perfect timing, right?? πŸ˜…πŸ€ͺ #caripasal


πŸ“¦ MOVE #12 @ January 2015 – Moved next door. Like literally right. Next. Door. Hahaha. Ciak pa bo su cho, right? No la. Not really la. Got reason wan. We decided to rent the house next door the year before while our actual unit was finishing its tenancy agreement.

But even though it was just next door, move is still move la. Still have to pack up E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G and then unpack E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G wat! Summore we were packing and moving and living there while reno was being carried out. OMG, things were so crazy, messy and dirty that JJ ended up having to nap in a stuffed luggage bag because the beds were already moved over but weren't set up yet. LOL. You look and see! Siao or not?? Hahaha.






πŸ˜…πŸ˜‚πŸ€ͺ

This one started life rough.
He'll be tough. Hahahaha. 


Anyhoo... that's the long and short of it all. My next move is coming. And because the kids are both in school now and I've already got a dozen moves under my belt, I'm going with experience and starting my packing early. I can't pack all of it, of course. But whatever I can, I'm doing.




Under-utilised kitchen gear and serving dishes – packed.
Kids' old toys – packed. Kids' old clothes – packed.
My too-small-for-me-now clothes – packed. πŸ˜…πŸ™†πŸ»


Honestly, I'm beginning to look forward to this move. It won't be easy considering I've got three lives to pack, not including my own. But I'm silently praying that it will be the last move I'll make in a long, long time. πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™


So that I can unpack all our things without the thought of having to keep boxes around for the next move. So that I can make plans without an impending future move lingering at the back of my mind. So that my family and I can finally grow roots and find permanence and belonging where we're at. So my kids can grow up without the insecurity of instability and the stress of constant change.


 Yes, I'm looking forward to this move. ☺️

Thursday, September 27, 2018

From Here To Infinity... And Beyond!




Just sent off my first invoice
in 2 years and 10 months
and I feel GRRRRREEAAT!


So funny though. Job was sent off for printing last Friday and today's already Thursday the week after – meaning, 6 days past job completion. Didn't follow up on payment and had to be chased for the invoice lagi. πŸ˜³πŸ˜… So out of it, man. Just happy to work and glad to be writing again. Really siao liao this time. HAHA. πŸ˜‚ Thank goodness the GM is a kawan so tak kena makan. πŸ™


Anyway... yay! Here's to the start of a new era!
(Or is the the continuation of a great one? 😏)

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Nothing Compares 2U

Artist: SinΓ©ad O'Connor
Song Title: Nothing Compares 2U





It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away

Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues
'Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me, baby, where did I go wrong

I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor and guess what he told me?
Guess what he told me?
He said girl you better try to have fun
No matter what you do, but he's a fool
'Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

All the flowers that you planted, Mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you, baby, was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
'Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you


Heard this song on the radio and suddenly felt reminiscent of my late nights in advertising. I smiled and my heart warmed at the memory. Just the handful of us... working in the dead of the night... having quiet discussions... typing and clicking frantically on our keyboards, mouses and laptops... and that one colleague who would always play this song whenever Emo Hour hit. Haha. Oh, the feels! I remember it like it was yesterday – the good old days of good times past. ☺️


"How apt," I think now, when I bumped into an ex-colleague while waiting for the lift at SIBKL today. I didn't even know we were in the same church! We weren't all that close before but today, I felt oddly excited to see her after such a long while. I felt a connection. A bond that didn't stem from sisterhood or friendship. No, it was passion – a passion for writing. Suddenly, it dawned upon me and I realised...


...that prayer moves the hands of God
and miracles happen when you least expect it. 


I started working on a freelance copywriting job last week. And in hindsight, I realise now that how it happened could only have been possible through God's divine intervention. You see, I had shared with a couple of ladies in my cell prayer group the following message on 12 August 2018 – "...for me to find joy in being a housewife because I find that I miss working a lot lately. I miss my independence and the satisfaction of having a career and a paycheck."


Here's a timeline of everything
that happened thereafter.

12 AUGUST 2018 – Prayer request sent to Faithful Friends' Ladies Club Prayer Group.
13 AUGUST 2018 – Prayed for via WhatsApp.
24 AUGUST 2018 – Ex-partner at MCKL shoots me a text asking if I still do freelance work (I haven't heard from him in YEARS) and we set an appointment for a briefing.
6 SEPTEMBER 2018 – Briefing done and dusted. And so, work begins. 

And with that, my prayer
was sent and answered in 25 days.


It's been 10 days since the day and I feel motivated. Driven. Purposeful. Thankful. Prior to this, I had begun to feel like the days were just beginning to blend into each other. The humdrum of Mommy life is as boring to me as it is tiring. Having said that, I enjoy the time I get to spend with the boys and I like it when we enjoy each others' company. But I don't enjoy the teaching and lecturing and intense eyeballing and threatening in order for anything to get done. πŸ˜…


I perpetually feel swamped and overwhelmed as a mom. But I also feel purposeless. Like my life has lost its meaning. This incongruity between what I want to do, and what I am doing is slowly causing me more and more cognitive dissonance, which then, ultimately results in a growing measure of unhappiness and dissatisfaction within me. And we all know the two rules of having a happy family, right? 😏


RULE #1: Happy wife, happy life.
RULE #2: Happy mom, happy kids.

#truestory #taktipu


Some people feel happiest when they're travelling. ✈️ Or shopping. πŸ’Έ Or gossiping. 😳 Me? I feel happiest when I'm writing. And I've come to realise that when I don't write, I'm less happy. Less satisfied. Less contented. Perhaps it's because I lack an outlet for release. K-dramas can only do so much. πŸ˜†πŸ˜…πŸ˜‚


Anyhoo... enough blogging. Time to kut lat cho kang and get back to my freelance work. πŸ“ God-willing, may this be the beginning of my return to writing / advertising / freelancing / working life. Because nothing compares to it!

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Mommy Blues

Unfulfilled. That’s what I feel now.
Ungrateful. That’s what I feel thereafter.


I love my kids – don’t get me wrong. But some days, I find myself missing the life I lived before they came around and turned my world upside down. I miss my kids when there not around, too – in case you were wondering. Some days more than others. But after that, I slap myself and go, “Hoi! Shaddap and enjoy your fleeting moments of freedom and independence la!” #torn


I used to be independent. In control. In charge. Self-reliant. Self-assured. Self-sufficient. I felt confident. And competent. Filled with charisma and bubbling over with excitement for Life and all its adventures. Positive. Passionate. Psyched to be alive and enjoying every moment of it. And I thought that because I was that kind of a person, I would be that kind of a mother, too.


But now? I think... not so much so.


My life today is a showreel of perpetual chaos. A never-ending movie with no trailers, drinks, or popcorn to make a bad show better. I watch myself play the struggling, stumbling protagonist in a B-grade movie where no one listens, nothing gets done, and even if it does – someway, somehow by some miracle – nothing quite gets done right. Yesterday, today and every day.


And it’s all on me.

My fault.
My problem to solve.
My heartache to get over.


I sometimes wonder if this is what motherhood is supposed to be like. I’m never on my own – never alone. But the journey sure feels discouragingly lonely at times. Are my struggles like those of every other mom? Or am I the only unlucky one? Orrr... could it be that things just seem so sucky and unlucky for me because I’m actually just a lousy mom?


I’m plagued by insecurities that stem from my many inadequacies. I’m drowning in judgement piled on by others. I’m overwhelmed by the responsibilities that lay before me because of an unpaid and unappreciated role I’ve somehow come to undertake called “Mommy” – a name I’m called more often than my own now.


Mommy.


I have a love-hate relationship with this word. Is Mommy the only thing I am these days? Is this all my identity is wrapped around? Is this merely a role I play for a time in my life? Or has it become me? What happened to Pam? Where has that girl gone? Are we still the same person? Is she still me? Just somewhere I can no longer see? Hiding in the depths of me?


Some days, I can tell very clearly where Mommy ends and where Pam begins. Some days, I can’t. Most days, these days. And as the days of motherhood drone on and on, forever long, I realise that I see and feel the distinction between the two less now than I did before. The lines are blurring, and it makes me miss knowing who I am. Mostly, it makes me miss the me I was before.

Monday, May 21, 2018

Celebration In Order!!!

Before I begin, let me first say that Caden is currently 5y6mo and Ethan is 3y8mo. That's 5 years and 6 months since The Husband and I have had a night in bed without mini-hims snuggled up in bed with us. πŸ˜‘πŸ˜’πŸ˜“


Well, I'm happy to announce and proud to say that for the FIRST time ever, in the history of parenting in this household, that spans over half a decade...


THE KIDS SLEPT TOGETHER
IN THEIR OWN BED (in our room πŸ™„)
THE WHOLE NIGHT THROUGH,
RIGHT UP TILL I WOKE THEM
UP FOR SCHOOL IN THE MORNING!


Woohoo! #milestoneachieved #achievementunlocked
At long last, there's light at the end of the tunnel! πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰

Sunday, February 25, 2018

Pitsssss...

I don’t understand why any woman in her right mind would prepare for, create, upload, and subsequently publish a video of herself teaching a hairstyle tutorial in sleeveless clothing. Sleeveless! Of all things to wear! Because, like... all the pits, yo!! My gosh! Argh!! Why la, why?!? 😭


It just doesn’t... I just can’t... ugh... just don’t la, ok? Please don’t. Especially not if your pits are black, dark or hairy la aiyo. Really cannot take it. *shiver* But seriously la, I think no matter how pretty your pits also, I wouldn’t wanna have it in my face for the whole 5 minutes it takes for you to teach me a sexy up-do. Cos it ain’t sexy. Kthxbai.

Friday, December 29, 2017

Mommy Pam

Unlike JZ who willingly accepts his day-is-done-game-over fate at bedtime, JJ doesn't go down easily unless he's really tired. He's like a little tornado, rolling around the bed, creating a ruckus. He also talks a lot while doing so. Tonight was one such night...


JJ: Mommy?

Pam Song: *ignores him*

JJ: *patiently* Mommy?

Pam Song: *continues to ignore him*

JJ: Mommy, Mommy, Mommy?

Pam Song: *silence*

JJ: Mommy Pam.

Pam Song: 😳 What did you say?

JJ: *matter of fact-ly* We always call you "Mommy" but big humans always call you "Pam". 

Pam Song: Haha. That’s right!

JJ: Ya. *nods to self* Mommy Pam.


Haha. JJ always cracks me up
whenever he calls adults "big humans".

Sigh.

I know it's things like these that
I'll miss once the kids grow up.