Random Questions On A Random Day

Pam Song: Actually, what is your ideal house?

The Husband: Nah… *points at me* You. It’s a person. Pam Song.

🤭

The Little Twist Tie That Wrapped Itself Around My Heart

Last week while I was on a work call, JJ quietly crept into my room handed me this little heart he made out of twist tie and immediately tiptoed out without making a sound. 🤫

It made me smile cos only he would do something like this. 🥰 

I didn't have the time to take a proper pic when it happened so I no longer remember the exact date, but I'm blogging this now so I remember that it happened anyway. That in the middle of a busy work day, my almost-9-year-old took the time to tell me that he loves me... without having to say a word. ❤️

My Husband Is Better Than Yours

Some husbands shower their wives

with flowers as an expression of their love. 💐

My husband changed the game. 🤩

Oh yeah... #myhusbandisbetterthanyours

p/s: This is not an ad. 😂

A Love Letter From JJ 💌

JJ isn't really the verbally expressive kind when it comes to saying lovey-dovey stuff. He doesn't say "I love you" much – not even to me – and usually doesn't respond in kind when being told so by The Husband. 9 out of 10 times, the man's I-love-yous are met with silence from JJ. Haha. 😅 #sadcase

BUT... JJ does seem to enjoy sending written notes. 💌 He's given me many drawings, messages and texts over the years. They're usually pretty sweet, quirky and cute. He's got a good knack for colour-mixing and draws well. He also has very legible handwriting and is able to spell most easy words on his own. Those he cannot, he manages to wing it phonetically. Haha. #justpakaihentamonly

This was today's love letter...

Awww. 😍🥰

I know he'll grow up someday and when that time comes, it won't be cool writing Mommy love letters anymore. Some other lucky lady will probably be on the receiving end of these love notes, too. But I'm glad today is not that day. So I'll enjoy this moment. Because today, the son I love, loves me. My heart is full. ❤️ 

What It Means To Be A Brother

The boys don't always go poopy at the same time but if and when they do, they always, always, always talk to each other while they poop. 🙄🤭 (More like shout at each other from different bathrooms across the corridor. 🙉) I suppose it helps them feel like they're together so they're less afraid about being in the bathroom alone. 🤷‍♀️ 

But even when they don't poop together, it's become quite the norm that one patiently waits for the other in the room. Today, was such a day. Nothing surprising there. But then suddenly, I overheard this conversation between the brothers that made my heart swell with pride and joy. 

JZ: *from inside the bathroom* Di? Are you there? (Checking to make sure that he's not alone.)

JJ: *without hesitance* I'm always with you. Because you're my brother what.

JZ: Thank you, Di.

I snuck into the stinky room to capture

this shot of JJ waiting for JZ.

It takes a real brother to selflessly stand outside your open toilet door while you poop with the fan off and all the windows closed. And an even better brother reassures you that he'll always be there... even when it stinks. 🙊💩 If this isn't the true meaning of #brotherlylove, I don't know what is. 

Kids These Days

Some days, it feels like JZ is seven going on 18. The things he says these days frequently makes me go 🤨 and his response sometimes causes me to go 🤯 Like, who is this kid?! Seriously.

Today, I realised that it's not just him.

It's a whole generation of kids who are maturing much more quickly than kids my day did. Teenage primary-schoolers. 🤯 Kids infinitely more worldly than we ever were at seven. I mean, look what JZ brought home from school today!! 👀

Mystery love letters?? 💌 You gotta be kidding me.

Dude and his classmates are SEVEN ok!!
What are they teaching these kids in school!?

Things That Matter More

If I were to hold up a piece of paper that had a single dot on it and asked you what you saw, you'd probably say – a dot. Why? Because our perspective is usually skewed towards noticing the bad and not the good. The blemish, stain and speck on the otherwise flawless environment it rests on. Because it's easier zooming in on a single, teeny-tiny, dark spot on a white piece of paper, instead of focusing on that entire white paper itself. Easier to bemoan the cloud than to appreciate the silver lining. Abhor a pimple than admire a pretty face.

Now, here's the reason to that analogy...

We've pretty much given up on live-in helpers. We've had them on and off ever since JZ came along but after a few crazies and a handful of bad apples, we've decided that enough is enough. 🙅‍♀️ Enough agency fees spent; enough frustrations endured. The kids are older... I was just two shots shy of being done with Herceptin (at the time)... It was time to go it alone. We were ready. All the best, good riddance, bye-bye. 👋

Well, I'm happy to say that in the past 2 months since we started playing house, our home is majorly neater but marginally dustier, the kids are doing more and grumbling less, I'm happy to not have to deal with any drama while The Husband is happy to not have to spend RM1960 a month, and I'm usually so tired by the end of the day that I sleep better now than ever before. LOL. All in all, it's been good. Really good. This step towards independence has worked out quite well for us, if you ask me.

But of course, there are days when things just. don't. work. out. the way they should. Those one-off black-dot kind of days when there's just too much laundry to be done, too many toys on the floor and too little time to do it all. On days such as those, I tend to internally groan and grouch the situation that has befallen me. BUT... there's always one thing that never fails to return a smile to my face:

When I see my boys quietly enjoying

each others' company and entertaining themselves

(as they steer clear of their monster mom).

My house may be messy, but my heart is full. ❤️ 

And if you ask me, I think the latter matters more.

Let's Go Lay Some Kids

JJ: Who is Por Tai’s son or daughter, Mommy?

Pam Song: Ah Ma lor. Ah Ma is Por Tai’s daughter. 

JJ: *thoughtfully* So she lay Ah Ma... Then lay Papa... Then lay you... Then lay me...

Actually the logic is also salah maximum

but the grammar... the grammar, I just cannot.

Pam Song: Eh. Lay what lay?? We’re not eggs ah! 

JZ: *interrupts me* EH!! I'M OLDER THAN YOU! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY LAY ME FIRST!!

Pam Song: 🤦🏻‍♀️ I give up.

Raising Our Children Near Their Grandparents

One of the major factors that spurred our move back to Penang was the fact that we would be raising the boys near their grandparents. To finally being close enough for them to see my parents and my in-laws often enough to be able to build healthy, strong familial relationships with them.

I think we've achieved that.

We moved out of my in-laws' place and into our own home on 4 January 2020. Even so, the boys still frequently ask for yummy dinners and cousin sleepovers at Ah Kong and Ah Ma's house. They also always ask to visit Kong Kong and Por Por's house to do random fun things like gardening, playing fireworks, or even discussing Pocket Frogs strategies.

16 February 2020 – JJ showing Ah Ma some love one random afternoon.

8 January 2020 – JJ tickling Kong Kong's ear on the way to lunch.

29 September 2019 – Exploring the Penang Botanical Garden with Por Por.

22 November 2019 – JJ and JZ chilling out with Ah Kong after dinner.

Looking back at these pictures while I organise my Google Photos into albums, I really think we did the right thing by coming home. #familymatters #familyfirst

A Mother's Role

So, this is that blog post

I promised I would write.

Here goes...

I'm in my 30s – a time largely considered to be the prime of my life by many and most. That means that if I'm to hope to amount to anything great or achieve anything amazing at all in this lifetime, THE. TIME. IS. NOW. Right?? Wrong.

Problem is – a scattering of freelance jobs aside – 

all I was doing for the better part of this decade of my life...

...was mothering.

Every scroll through Facebook showed me that my peers in advertising were all doing envious things – moving up the corporate ladder, winning awards, starting agencies and making creative waves wherever they were at.

But me?

I was perpetually in gym clothes (most comfortable), rushing for school pick-ups (always late), packing snack boxes (school lunches are too expensive), cooking dinners (eating at home is healthier), cleaning cuts (birthed accident-prone kids), wiping drool (back then), and washing poop (every. single. day). 😞

I kept going through periods where I felt like I was going nowhere and doing nothing of consequence with my time here on Earth. I felt like my days were just blending into one another and my jam was Ecclesiastes 1:1 on repeat, day in and day out. I questioned my purpose and came up with no answer. I was just a glorified chef, maid and driver who worked day and night without pay. At least it felt that way to me for a long while.

Until I got cancer.

Spending time away from the kids and seeing them stumble where they once shone made me and The Husband realise that my role as a mother is so much more important than what we ever thought it was. I don't know about him but I always saw my roles as morning waker, breakfast maker, lunchbox packer, food feeder, car driver, bandage applier, poop cleaner, homework driller, toothpaste squeezer, and so on and so forth. Functional. Practical. Domestic.

But I was wrong.

I've discovered that though through my eyes I may function as all of the above... to my kids, my role and my identity as a mother is wrapped up in more than just what I'm doing; it's in my being. To them, I am comfort giver, heart healer, love sharer, joy bringer, worldview shaper, memory maker, and so much more. My role is to meet their needs emotionally. Psychologically. Mentally. 

When I bandage a cut after a fall, I show my boys that life can knock us down but love can build us up again. When I put them to bed, I'm not just a warm body for them to hug, my presence reminds them that no matter what happens during the day, they can always find rest, security and acceptance in Mommy's arms. When I pick them up, I don't just carry their bodies, I cradle their hearts.  ❤️

The Husband and Mama have been pitching in and I'm eternally grateful for their help during this time. The kids are being fed, they're being sent and picked up from school, their bums are being cleaned, their teeth are being brushed, they're being put to bed, and yet... both boys still know and feel like something's amiss when Mommy's not there.


So if you're a mom like me and you ever feel too tired to smile, remember this: You do more than feed, clean and fetch; you do what no one else can – you mother. And that's more than anything anyone else in the world can offer. 

The Old Days

During the drive home yesterday night, The Husband told me that I was right – that JJ was going through Mommy Withdrawal Syndrome. In that same conversation, he also told me about a sad conversation he had with JZ when he picked JZ up from school on Friday.


JZ: I miss the old days, Papa.

The Husband: What old days?

JZ: When it was you, and me, and Mommy and Didi together. Always.

The Husband: Oh. ☹️

😢 Well, I miss the old days, too, Baby. 😢

After that, The Husband and I had a heart to heart about how important a mother's role is. Then he said that I should blog about the conclusions we made tonight so I never forget, and so that I can also encourage other moms out there who need a morale boost – moms much like myself once, who feel drained and all tired out from loving and giving and caring for every one around them but themselves, every single day, with no gratitude to expect, and no end in sight. Yes, I shall blog that someday sooner than later. Stay tuned. 

Love Notes From My Little One

JJ came home from school with some

surprise mail for the family today. 📮

This is mine. 💌

"IT IS for..."

"IT IS for mI mummy"

He loves drawing and had started to spell phonically

so this came as a wonderful surprise for me. 😍

A bee, a flower and a sun.

This boy may look all rough and tough on the outside but he's a real sweetheart kind of cuddly marshmallow on the inside. He's always making me things and drawing me stuff. 😘 But I wasn't the only one on the receiving end today.

The Husband received a

somewhat odd looking dino, too. 🦖

Though his Ah Kong received a nicer looking one

(much to The Husband's dissatisfaction). 😅

And Ah Ma got some pretty flowers. 🌸🌸

I don't know about everyone else on his love letter list but Imma keeping mine from now till forever because I know these days don't last a lifetime. They pass in a blink of an eye and before I know it, he'll grow up and grow out of this stage. Too soon, I'll get text messages and emoticons which, you must admit, aren't quite the same as a hand-drawn picture that comes in an envelope that says:

"IT IS for mI mummy." ❤️

ABC – Easy As 123

Lunch is here! And guess who made it?

THE HUSBAND! 👏👍👏👍👏👍

Can you believe that?? Man has made soup from scratch! From going to the market to boiling up all the ingredients – no stock cubes involved! This is truly a #hariinidalamsejarah moment and I'm so grateful and proud of The Husband for doing this for me. And that, my friends, is how you do marriage. When one goes down, the other steps up. 🤝 How to not love this man, I ask you?? 😘

When "Thank You" Does Not Suffice

Everybody's gone down to KL so it's just me and the kids, today and tomorrow. Just like the good, old days when we were living in KL – no driver, no maid, busy husband. It was always just me and the kids, day in and day out.


Suddenly felt so fortunate to be blessed with two boys to call my own. 👩‍👦‍👦 And if I've learned anything at all during this time, it's this: DON'T JUST THINK IT, DON'T JUST FEEL IT; MAKE SURE YOU SAY IT, EVEN BETTER, SCREAM IT!


Pam Song: I LOVE MY CHILDRENNNN!!!

JJ: THANK YOU, MUMMYYYYY!

Pam Song: 😕🙁☹️😒

Thank you??? WTH, man. What happened to "I love you so, so very much, too, my favourite, bestest, most awesome mummy in the whole wide world"??? Pfft. Melampau betui budak ni. But at least this one answer. The other one just buat tak tau and tak dengar pun. 😤

Testimony: Love In A Bottle

A couple of weeks ago, my ex-college-mate-turned-ex-client-turned-ex-church-member-turned-friend Irene – yes, we have a long and complicated history 🤪 – texted me to ask if I would be free for a quick meet up while she was up in Penang.


She's one of the very few friends I have who are in-the-know about my situation. I was really glad she wanted to catch up but was uncertain about how I would feel post-chemo so I pretty much told her we would have to play it by ear when the time came. 😅 #badfriend

Well, thankfully she didn't cancel her trip and did come anyway!

And so did the haze.  😅😷

I didn't want to risk falling sick – what with low immunity and all – so we forwent all hawker and outdoor options and went to Gurney Plaza for a cup and a bite where its relatively safe indoors instead. (How un-Penangite, kan? But bo huat la. I kiasi!)

Our tea at Frank Laurent, Gurney Plaza.

Us before we tucked in. So grateful that she always reminds me

to take pics whenever we meet up. 😂 #failedblogger

It's funny cos although we have quite a few people whom we both know, we have very few mutual friends that we hang out with. None, in fact, if I'm being honest. 😂 LOL! Our kids don't go to the same schools or tuition centres. She's a FTWM, I'm a SAHM. We're not in the same cell group. Truthfully, we have very little reason to ever meet or hang out.


But somehow, she became one of the very few friends I would take time out of my day to meet and catch up with about once every month on average, when I was in KL – always one-to-one, and always a date set weeks in advance. (She's no less busy than I am. Probably busier, in fact! 😜) But when it's a friendship that matters, you do what it takes to nurture the relationship. It doesn't happen by chance; it takes time and effort.

And I'm so grateful for this woman of God

who has made the time and put in the effort to

catch up with me and to show me the love
of a friend in spite of her busy schedule.

And you see!!! She came bearing

a surprise gift summore!! 🎁

Aiyo, this woman! How to not be shy. 😅

I carefully opened it up
and just couldn't believe my eyes
when I saw what she had bought me. 😳

Ok, testimony time: Remember that conversation I had with Melsong about what to wear during my next chemo session? The other thing we discussed then was me bringing along a hot water bottle. Cos the onco ward is kept quite chilly and the body gets pretty cold when cold IV fluids run through it. 

Thinking we'd go down to KL again soon, I'd left all my hot water bottles there and only brought up the kids' night Thermoses. So, we were out of options up here in Penang except for me to borrow Melsong's (share saliva and germs 🤢) or buy new ones (spend money 💸). And if you know me, I'm very anti-sharing when it comes to water bottles. I don't even share water bottles with The Husband or my kids. LOL. #extreme

But look what Irene gave me:

A pretty, pink Thermos!!

Like wha-??? No way! 🤯

Just what I needed plus it totally matches my perfect poncho from EJ! Another coincidence?? No way! If this isn't God doing His magic behind the scenes to meet my every need – albeit through friends who are going above and beyond to show me they care – I don't know what is. My God is good, He is faithful, He is with me, and He will see me through. 🌈

No More "Mummy"

Brought the kids along with me to TESCO today. While we were there, JJ turns to me and says...


 JJ: Ah ma? *while reaching out to hold my hand*

 Pam Song: 😳 Wait... WHAT!? 

 JJ: *quick save* Ah Ma sayssss... when she comes to TESCO... *fades off*


Wah... Call me "Ah Ma" then immediately U-turn, tukar topik and cover-line kau kau?? Tsk tsk tsk. But good save la, good save. Very smooth. Brain work very fast also. Can be lawyer next time. LOL. But to be honest with you, I was actually taken aback and a little bit heartbroken when JJ called me "Ah Ma" by accident.


Just yesterday when I was saying my goodnights to the boys before they went into Mama's room to sleep, I began to wonder if the kids had moved on. They bounded into her room – no fussing, no whining, and without a single "I want Mummy" cry – with all the maturity of carefree teenagers in the bodies of clingy almost-5yos and almost 7yos that I still remember carrying and cuddling with.


And while I'm so very grateful that Mama and The Husband have stepped up to the plate and have so willingly helped out with the kids in light of my current predicament, I'm somewhat surprised at how quickly the boys have adapted to the situation and their new caregivers. Makes me think: That in the flurry of hospital visits and temporary isolation rooms, could it be that Mummy has been… replaced? Forgotten? Left behind? 😢💔😭

*sighs*

I can't wait till January comes. 😢

Of Friendships & Care-Packs

One of the greatest blessings of having been in KL during JZ and JJ's early years is the mommy friendships I've had the good fortune of developing during their time at Chiltern House, Alice Smith, The Little Secret, and Skylace. 

One such friendship I especially treasure is with a fellow-mom-turned-BFF I call EJ. In the private schooling world of posh, jet-setting ✈️, international-shopping 🛍, 5-star-hotel-staying ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️, branded-handbag-carrying 👜, wining 🍷, dining 🍽, organic-only 🥑, yoga 🧘‍♀️ moms...

*cough cough*

🙄🙄🙄

....our love for the arts 👩‍🍳🎨🎭, carbs 🍔, Coke 🥤, online shopping 👩‍💻, fast-fashion brands 💃, quirky nonsense 🤪, discounts 💸, chilling out 💁‍♀️, maid rants 🤬 and McD's 🍟 naturally drew us together. 👯‍♀️ #rebelmoms

When I found out I had cancer, she was one of the first of the few friends I sought out to share the news with and she's been journeying with me ever since. She even made the effort to come up to Penang with her husband to visit me while I was in the hospital the day after my lumpectomy (5cm removed) and axillary lymph node dissection (4 removed). I truly am blessed to call her my friend.

And now, here she goes again...

❤️❤️❤️


--------


Friendship is born when one orders, "Coke, please,"

and the other says, "Make that two, thanks." ✌️
– Pam Song, 10 September 2019

Remembering Love At Bedtime

At bedtime, JJ looks to me with sleepy eyes and says in a soft, quiet voice: Mommy? A long, long time ago, when you were old, you wore glasses. And your hair was very, very long. And you pau pau me and I was a baby. You remember?

Pam Song: 😚 Yes, I remember. ❤️ I will always remember. =')

#preciousmoments

Picture taken on 26 March 2018, in the plane, enroute to Tokyo, Japan.

Just me and my forever baby.

--------

My baby, JJ... 

Mommy loves how you somehow always manage to remember everything. Right down to the very last detail – what was worn, what was said, what was happening, what music was playing, and even what smell was in the air. It gives the assurance that even someday when I'm gone, you'll still remember the person that I was and the relationship that we shared as mother and son. I love you, Baby. 4,120,927 times more than you remember that I do.

XOXO, 

Mommy

Thundercloud Love

JJ has a thing for stickers.

As in, he likes to stick them everywhere and on everyone. I think it's a real waste of stickers and honestly, I'm not too fond of this habit of his. I mean, back in my day, stickers were precious! So expensive and so difficult to come by! Where got simply just stick everywhere wan?? But this generation of kids ah... tsk tsk tsk. Sticker macam no need money liddat. Just stick, stick, stick everywhere. So, this happened today...


Pam Song: JJ, why did you put a thundercloud on my iPad??

JJ: *big innocent eyes* Because I love you.

 😳 AWWWW... Okay.

The thundercloud stays. ⛈

Stick la, stick. 🤗

Because Words Matter

I'm so glad that while The Husband is your typical, everyday Chinaman when it comes to certain things, he's also not your typical, everyday Chinaman when it comes to other things. Like when he says things like this:


The Husband: Honey, I’m so glad you’re in my life.

Pam Song: 🙂

The Husband: I mean... I’m so glad I’m in your life. Not the same, right?

Pam Song: AWWW... *melts*

Ya lor. Not the same. 😘