You Say I Am, So I Become

A false accusation. 

Unfair. Unjust. Unwarranted.

With one careless sentence, 

you decided who I am and how I am 

– with “always,” “every” and “never.” 

So why bother fighting it? Nope, I'll leeeean into it. Because there’s no point correcting this skewed version of me you’ve already committed to. Your mind is made up, and your judgment is louder than the truth. Decision made; conclusion set. So yes, I'll make it easier for both of us. I’ll wear the label you stuck on me. 

I am who you say I am.

After all, if I’m going to be punished for the crime, 

I might as well stop pretending I’m innocent. 🤷‍♀️

Random Questions On A Random Day

Pam Song: Actually, what is your ideal house?

The Husband: Nah… *points at me* You. It’s a person. Pam Song.

🤭

You Can Run But You Can't Hide 💦

So, Penang is bracing for water cuts, starting tomorrow. Taiping, on the other hand, is known as the wettest town in Malaysia – rains almost every day, cloudy skies, beautiful lake gardens – it’s practically a walking waterpark. So what does Taiping Meeku do? Zoom on home today, of course! Strategic escape plan engaged. Goodbye, Penang... 👋 Hello, Taiping! 

But guess what she discovers???

 NO. WATER. IN. TAIPING. 

LOLOLOLOL!

I mean... You cannot make this stuff up lah. 😅😂

You know what they say about running from your problems, right? Sometimes, you just run straight into them. 😅😅😅 With a suitcase full of towels and a dry tap. 🤭

You Smell

Sometime last week, I was sitting down with JJ somewhere forgotten doing something unforgettable when, out of the blue, a mosquito started attacking me. ZzzZzzzzZzz – I kept hearing it and seeing it come dangerously close to my bare arms and legs. That deadly tease! 😡

I attempted a murderous clap at it... but missed. I dodged... and escaped. But constantly swinging between clapping and dodging, fighting and flight-ing, is hella tiring! 😮‍💨 "Why is it attacking meeee???" I wailed – a question to no one in particular. 😫 But the answer came swiftly: 

"BECAUSE YOU
SMELL SO GOOD!"

JJ burst out angrily and stomped off 

leaving me to fend for my life alone.

😳

Uh... Sorry, Son. 🫤 But thank you? 😅😂

p/s: I should really remember blogging things I would like to remember before I start losing details. This just happened last week but #ChemoBrain is real! #TheStruggleContinues

The Word "Piano"

JJ has always had a way with words.

JJ: Do we have piano today? 

Pam Song: Yes

.JJ: WHATTTTT??? I hate piano!

Pam Song: You still have to go.

JJ: Why?? Even the word "piano" has NO in it! Pia-NO!

Pam Song: 😅😂🤣 Hahahahaha... Good one. Let's go.

JJ: NooOoOoOOoooOOoo!

LOL. This boy cracks me up!

The Parental Guide to Answering Unanswerable Questions

And so, after a busy and tiring day, it was bedtime again in the Kan household. It was late and I was JUST. SO. READY. for the kids to quieten down and knock out (so I can sneak a wee bit of Me Time before I crash 😝). But right after turning off the lights, Ethan goes, "Mommy..."

🙄

Aiyoooo... This boy really has a knack of talking when he shouldn't. In fact, he talks the most during meal times and bedtimes. Tsk. Anyway, without waiting for me to respond, he cepat-cepat asked his question...

"If a person is fat, does that mean

they have more blood?" 🩸

😳

*blink blink*

Hmmm... Truth be told, I have no idea. LOL. Logically I suppose that makes sense? But I don't know for sure and I just couldn't be bothered to Google at the time because... well, late already la kan. So, I snuck him this reply instead:

"Ooo... Good question!

I can't wait for you to find out and tell me!"

😅😂

Satisfied that he had thought of a good question, he went to bed. Haha! Works every time. 😎 So, if your kid ever asks you questions you don't know the answers to, you know what to do. Happy parenting!

Quit Playin' Games With My Heart

The boys have been begging us for a pet for a long while now. And not like a guppy or a terrapin that you contain in a glass box and feed once a day. No, no. They want a cat. 😺 Or a dog. 🐶 Like, wth? I blame all those playdates at friends' houses. One of JZ's friends has 7 pets of various kinds. Another has a new British Shorthair kitten. Craziest story is this: One of JJ's buddies has *drumroll please* 28 cats in his condo. 😵😵‍💫 #siaoliao


While The Husband (who's never really had a pet) is leaning towards ok-ing idea, I, on the other hand am not. Pets are A LOT of work! Living with two sporty pre-teens without a live-in helper is enough work as it is. I am not at all motivated to add more things to my to-do, to-wash and to-clean list, thank you. These people don't clear, wash and clean so they don't understand the amount of work that already comes with running a household of 2 adults and 2 kids. 😤 

Now, you wanna make it

4 adults and 2 kids PLUS 1 pet??

Aiya, mai laaaaa...

Don't trouble Trouble if Trouble 

hasn't trouble you la, come on! 😩

We visited CTY in Penang once with the intention of getting a pup for the boys. But after seeing the dogs step all over their poop, The Husband quickly made a mental U-turn and changed his mind. But today, while heading towards DPULZE Shopping Mall, Cyberjaya (that also has a big pet store), this conversation ensued:

The Husband: Ok la, boys! Let’s go get a dog! 

 JZ & JJ: Yayyyy!!! 

 The Husband: We buy from DPULZE! 

 JZ & JJ: Yayyyy!!!

 The Husband: Just kidding. 

 JZ & JJ: Booooo… 

JZ: Papa, if you want to say anything, and it’s a lie, don’t say it. Because you make us excited. Then you break our hearts. 

 JJ: Words of wisdom, Kor Kor. 

 The Husband: Haha. Okay. Sorry. 

 JJ: Yes. Then you make us want to cry and die.

😅😅😅

Needless to say, we left DPULZE without a pet.

You know, it's too bad my boys 

aren't familiar with the Backstreet Boys.

Otherwise, they'd be singing this tune right about now:

"Quit playin' games with my heart 

Before you tear us apart (my heart) 

Quit playin' games with my heart 

I should've known from the start 

You know you got to stop (from my heart) 

You're tearing us apart (my heart) 

Quit playin' games with my heart:

– Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)

by Backstreet Boys

Me, I'm definitely more of a dog person than a cat person.

And I do secretly love the idea of having a puppy at home. 🤫

But I've been there and done that with Princess. 🥲 I now understand that although having a pet has its fun and emotional upsides, the cleaning up after each poo and pee... the weekly baths... the nail-cutting and toothbrushing... the daily feeding and water filling... the inconvenience when going on holidays... and not to mention the heartbreak and emotional trauma that follows in the days after their deaths because, well, we'll definitely outlive our pets at this point... it's just not worth it. 

I would be perfectly happy to go through life

without having to go through all this again.

That's not to say my kids should never get pets. They can get their own pets when they have their own homes. Then I'll go over for some doggy playtime. 😎

Food Rationing

It's not easy managing the kids when they're so competitive all the time. Maybe it's a boy thing. Or maybe it's just a sibling thing I wouldn't know about. 😅 #singlechild


Somehow, there's always that tendency for one-upmanship – no matter what! Smarter! Better! Quicker! More! Thing is, when it comes to food, both always fight for LESS. Why? Because with less food on their plates, they can finish faster. 🙄 (Still with the one-upmanship, duncha think? #neverendingstory)

Pam Song: JJ, hurry up and finish your food.

JJ: But you gave me MORE than Kor Kor!

Pam Song: Nonsense! I gave you the SAME. 😠

JZ: Ya laaaa... (Adding fuel to fire. 🔥) Mummy gave ME more at the start ok! *smug face*

Pam Song: Wait. What?? NONSENSE!! I am FAIR!!! 😡

Does this stop when they're older?

Or will it always be like this? 😅

Whatever the case, it's true though.

Mommy's always fair. 😁

Why Would Best Friends Fall Out?

Somehow or another, the topic of best friends coming and going came up again tonight before bedtime and I told the boys about my one-time best friend Ming, who was still a friend but no longer a "best" friend over the course of time passing. To which, JJ curiously asked:


JJ: Mommy, why isn’t she your best friend anymore?

Pam Song: No particular reason. We just drew apart.

JJ: 😳 Wait. YOU DREW HER BUTT??

😅😅😅

That would totally be a legit reason

for best friends to fall out, I guess. 😂😂😂

VIP Vs CPR

Ethan climbs onto me in bed (as he always likes to do)

and I proceed to pretend to struggle to breathe.

Pam Song: *gasp* *gasp* *gasp*

Ethan: Don’t worry, Mommy! I know VIP!! 😁

Pam Song: 🤨 Baby... It’s called CPR. 😂

VIP... CPR... Close, I guess? 😅

Acronyms Are Confusing

JJ climbs onto me in bed during bedtime and I dramatically pretend to struggle to breathe like the Oscar-winning actress I'm not. 

Pam Song: *gasp* *gasp* *gasp*

JJ: *calmly and reassuringly* Don’t worry, Mommy. I know VIP. 😏

Pam Song: 🤨 Uhhh... Baby, it’s called CPR. 😂

Best Friends Come & Best Friends Go

JZ made a best friend in school when he was in Year 2. A nice Taiwanese boy with a smiley disposition. During the two years that they spent together as classmates, the boys were thick as thieves. They played really well together and enjoyed each others' company a lot, in and out of school. His mom and I were friends so we were comfortable setting up playdates for the children over the weekends and during the holidays, too.

They both stayed best of friends all the way till the end of Year 3 when, very unfortunately, this friend moved to another school across the state. When his mom first broke the news to me, I was stunned and overwhelmed with emotions. I didn't know how JZ would take it! Later in the week, this friend made sure to let JZ be the first to know that he was leaving the school. It was a sad day that was heartbreaking for both to say the least. 💔

I was so desperate to help ease JZ's pain of losing yet another best friend 😩 that I reached out to two old friends to help me offer him some words of comfort and prove to him that friendships do last when both parties put in the effort to keep in touch no matter how many years have passed or how many state lines and immigration counters stood between us. 

Two of my oldest friends in the world (we've known each other since nursery!) came to the rescue with kind words of encouragement for JZ 🥰 on the 6th of May 2021 – the day he heard the news. At the time, this boy and his family had plans to return to Taiwan. Thankfully, that plan was shelved. 😅 #smallmercies

In hindsight, it was really unfortunate that the boys had to spend so many precious months apart due to the nationwide lockdown and COVID-19 school closures all through 2020 and 2021. Even when school eventually reopened for in-face studies, the boys were intentionally kept apart in class by their teachers because, well, best friends tend to chat when they sit side by side so... yeah. 😅 Only once did they get a week to sit together in the entire school year seating rotation. 😢

But of course, Time heals all wounds. ❤️‍🩹 The boys do still play well together whenever they have the chance to meet, which is rare nowadays with everybody's busy and clashing schedules. Having said that, I should really put in the effort to plan another playdate for him someday soon but am so unmotivated due to COVID risk, a lack of a live-in helper to help clean up after, and just general laziness and unsociability on my part. 😩 

In the mean time, JZ has come to accept this shift in his relationship with his once-best friend. He has yet to find a new best friend but is also not short of friends in school so... I guess it's alright. It'll be alright. He will be alright. Because no matter who comes and goes, he will always have JJ, Papa and me. 👨‍👩‍👦‍👦 #wearefamily

Living In A World Where You Can Buy RM2,000 Cars You Can't Gift-Wrap 🎁

Ethan's turning 7 next month. This boy never wastes an opportunity to ask for a gift so, as per his usual pre-birthday MO, Ethan put on his biggest, brightest, most-charming smile and asked:


Ethan: Papa. what are you getting me for my birthday? 😁

The Husband: What you want?

Ethan: A car!

The Husband: What kind of car?

Ethan: This car!! *points to The Husband’s car*

Caden: Are you crazy??

Pam Song: 🤨 You can’t even drive yet.

Caden: Yeah!! Plus, it costs like, RM2,000 or something!! (LOL. If only. 😅)

Ethan: Oh ya... Plus, they can’t wrap it. 🎁

😂😂😂

#kidlogic #8yowisdom

Hang Up The Phone?

So there I am, sitting down just chilling out alone in my hospital room, on my hospital bed, when I look at my phone and realise I missed JJ's video call. Tried calling him back but couldn't. That's when this chat ensued.

And this is how you know you're old. 😅

Having said that, I'm really glad that both boys are now able to read and write. And that they have their own Messenger Kids accounts to text and call us anytime. Loving this aspect of modern technology. Especially now that I'll be away from home for awhile.

Finding Hope With Faithful Friends

God has truly blessed us with good friends during our time in KL. One group of such friends is our SIBKL cell group, who are aptly named Faithful Friends.

Because faithful friends they truly are.

I was feeling pretty out of it since my biopsy on Tuesday. Disconnected and disinterested with things. Overall just down and depressed. I was also nursing a bad headache and just wanted to shut out the world and go to bed by 8pm.

But Faithful Friends core group asked for a Zoom call to pray with us tonight at 9pm so... paiseh ma. People ask to pray for you then you reject – how can right?? So I ma said, ok lor. Just out of obligation and paiseh-ness. 😅

But deep down in my heart,

I was actually dragging my tiny little ticker feet

over having to "meet" people and tired of having to

verbalise my sad sob situation all over again. 😣

It started with me explaining what was going on to the cosy group of 9 leaders, with The Husband by my side. When asked how I felt, I confessed aloud for the very first time – I feel... less hopeful this time around. 😔 #letsbehonest

They listened quietly.

Then one by one,

they took turns to uphold us in prayer.

Some cried, I cried. It was a real sob fest when we started. 😂 But midway through, the spirit shifted. The heaviness lifted. God spoke to me through his people and I was reminded to be happy. And joyful. And to fill myself with laughter instead of sadness.


The Zoom call ended on a high note. My head was still pounding... but my spirit was lifted from the outpouring of love and care from these people who – to be honest – are no longer obligated to shepherd and care for us, now that we've left KL. Our cell leader even told us:

"You see la. I ask everybody for core meeting,

everybody say tonight cannot. Suddenly I said,

"Core, let's pray for Pam," everybody is online."

LOL.

I feel so fortunate and grateful to have friends who will rally around me like this in times when I am weak and my spirit is downcast. Truly, I am blessed. ❤️

Photo taken during our KL farewell organised by Faithful Friends

@ Italia & Ribs, Plaza Damas on 20 July 2019.

A lululemon Surprise

Got me a delivery today. And it wasn't sent to my home, but to KRPG. 🤔 I wondered why since I'd not bought anything and sent them to the office in a long, long time – not since the first round of MCO. More surprisingly though, the delivery was from Hong Kong! #curiouserandcuriouser

Turned it over to check out the receiver information

and the name was really mine. How strange!

And then I saw it...

😱😱😱

l-l-l-lululemon?! No way!

But heck! I was holding the parcel in my hands! That would make any sane woman doubt herself. And so, I did. Like, waiiiitttt... 🤔 Takkan my chemo brain so bad until I shop online from 5-star celebrity sportswear store without even remembering anything at all??? 😬 #chemobrainisreal

Ripped it open when I got home and discovered that,

although I was the receiver, the sender was Irene!

Aww, this sweetheart!!!

I sent her a small care package to motivate her

to chase and achieve her dreams at the end of October.

Mana tau, this woman go and gift me balik in good measure,

pressed down, shaken together and running over. 🥰 (Luke 6:38)

This next part is just for my own memory's sake so please feel free to just scroll on by while two crazy 30-something-year-old aunties talk nonsense. 🙈🙉🙊 

Yup, will try it on and let her know how it goes

when I pop my lululemon cherry! 🍋🍒 #girltalk

I’ve been hearing fantastic things about this brand of sportswear from my exercise-crazy friends in KL for years now. It seems to be all the rage for those who're really into the "fashionable" active lifestyle. (Read: Yoga, Flycycle, Pilates, etc.) I've even participated in gifting a set of their clothing to Kara for her birthday together with the other #ChilternMoms a few years ago. But me, myself? I balked at the price of a simple pair of yoga pants and never bothered finding out more or even visiting the store though it was just minutes from my home in KL. Haha. Now, I can’t wait to try it for myself now to see what the hype is all about!

Wheee! My first lululemon! 🍋🍋🍋

Ass Vs S

I was in my study getting some work done when I heard this very loud, one-sided conversation take place between the boys who were outside in the living room. 

JJ: Kor Kor, can you move there?

JZ: *no response*

JJ: Kor kor, I said. Move there.

JZ: No. 

JJ: KOR KOR! MOVE THERE!!

JZ: HAIH!

JJ: Oh nooOOooOo!! My ass!!!

Pam Song: 😳 Wait. What!?

I mad-dashed out of the room, all ready to swoop in and whoop some butt / spank some tushy / beat some a** cos ain't no child of mine's gonna be sayin the A-word at six. 😡 So I got there and...

Ohhh... His S. 😅😂

Lau Gin Na: When Mommies Die... Or Don't They?

It was bedtime and we've had a long day. I was just preparing the kids that I wouldn't be at home tomorrow morning because I had my annual ultrasound and mammogram due – yes, it's been a year 🌈 – when JJ turned to me with earnest eyes and asked...

JJ: Mommy? What happens when you die?

Pam Song: Hmm? What do you mean?

JJ: What happens to us when you die?

🥺 My heart broke when I heard the worry

behind his seemingly innocent question. 💔

Sigh. I feel so sorry that my kids are plagued with such heavy thoughts for children so young. I know I should have gone into how it would be okay and that there are people who will still love and care for him and yada-yada-yada. And that someday, we will meet again after death and be together once more in heaven and bla-bla-bla. But... it wasn't that kind of night. And I felt that he just wanted reassurance that I would be okay. So instead, I said... 

Pam Song: *comfortingly* I will never die.

JJ: 😲 What???

Pam Song: (Nonsense lai liao. 😅😂) Ya. Mommies never die.

JJ: Huh!? Why?! 

Pam Song: Cos when mommies die no one takes care of the kids. So God takes special care of mommies. 

JJ: Ohhhh... That makes sense!

Pam Song: 😂😂😂

And then he snuggled up to me and promptly fell asleep.

Life is short. And every moment is precious. But sometimes we fail to see the truth in those words until we're hit by the tough realities of life – like sickness, suffering and sadness. And as much as I am forever changed by Cancer, I need to remember, so are my kids. They just don't know it yet. 😔 #cancersucks

Dr Teh Vs Bak Kut Teh

In thinking about how to approach the topic of surviving Breast Cancer as a ministry, The Husband and I got into a conversation that led to this bit... 


The Husband: Do interview with Doctor Teh la. (My super awesome Breast Surgeon at Gleneagles.)

JJ: BAK KUT TEH??? Who said Bak Kut Teh???

Pam Song: 😅😂🤣

That's what happens when kids eavesdrop on conversations they're not meant to be a part of. Coupled with the fact that it's dinner time and we haven't yet eaten. 🤣🤣🤣 Having said that, I miss my Klang Bak Kut Teh!!! 😭😭😭 

Lasagne Vs Lazada

As the kids grow up, sometimes it gets confusing talking to them. 😐 Mainly because you assume that topics of conversation will revolve around kiddie contexts. You expect them to talk about things they're familiar with. Things they know about. Like toys and food and hobbies. 

Not adolescent, grown-up things

like tech and online shopping. 

JJ: Mommy, so funny just now Papa asked Kor Kor what he wants for dinner and he said “Beyblade”. 🤣🤣🤣

Pam Song: *confused* Huh? Why? 

 JZ: He wanted to order from his phone. 

 Pam Song: *still confused* Order lasagne from his phone? Why? But we’re not ordering dinner. I'm cooking.

 JZ: No no, he was looking at things to buy. From that shop! The one you buy things. 

 Pam Song: *even more confused* GrabFood? 

JZ: *getting frustrated* Nooo!! The other one! The one you always buy things! The one like that Shopee app!!

Pam Song: OH! Haiyo! It's called LA-ZA-DA! 🤦‍♀️