Hoping For Hope

It's been a difficult couple of days. I feel like I'm doing okay – all things considered – but not okay at the same time. I'm doing everything I need to do, saying everything I need to say, and smiling when I need to smile with everyone around me but, inside... my heart is heavy.

Why?

Because I find it hard to see my future now. I no longer believe without a doubt that I'll grow old with my husband. I worry I won't be alive long enough to see my kids grow up. I wonder if I'll go down the same path as those who fought the good fight and died anyway. 😢 

It was never like this before.

Even after Cancer marked me for the first time last August, I remember feeling positive about my outcome. I knew it was early-stage cancer. I knew the prognosis was good. I felt like it was a cold Winter that would eventually pass. I was going to beat the odds and come out of this stronger than before. 

But it's not the same this time around.

I feel down. Desolate. Depressed. Honestly, I feel less hopeful. 😔 It feels like I escaped Death once already. How many times can I escape it again and again as it claws at me? How many times can I outrun this disease? How many times will my life be spared? Will it ever let me go?

So many questions crowd my mind.

And none of the answers, I like.