A Hug And A Kiss!

Although I was blessed with two boys, my mother–son routines and expressions of love with each of them are different.

Back when I was the only one doing morning runs, I would drop Ethan off at class, kneel down on one knee and spread my arms wide open, and he would run into my arms for one last big hug and a quick peck on the lips. (It started when he was 2y3m.) We would both chant in unison, “A huggg… and a kiss!” (The “hug” was long-drawn, but the “kiss” was staccato. Haha.) Every. Single. Schooling. Morning.

Sadly, Cancer and Covid stole this routine from me. 😞

They say as mothers, we remember all the firsts but never the lasts. But I remember this last. It was 3 September 2019 – the day I started chemo. That was the last time Ethan and I said goodbye our special way. ❤️‍🩹

Chemo lasted until 17 December 2019, but immunotherapy continued until 25 August 2020. By then, we were in the thick of MCO and the boys were at home doing Zoom school. No goodbyes necessary. And even after they went back to school, they had masks on. So, no kisses either.

Before we knew it, two years had passed. 

And somewhere in that time, Ethan grew up. 🥲

Hugs were still okay, still enjoyed… but pecks on the lips, no matter how quick, felt like too much. He also used to hold onto my cheeks and smoosh his face into mine, but after Covid, something shifted. Smooshing felt germy. And my baby wasn’t a baby anymore. Somehow, daytime smooshing was no longer a thing, and nighttime cuddles were rushed cos of school the next day.

But I'm not blogging sadness today; it's joy.

Because today, we had an interaction

 that took me by surprise. 

Ethan was playing Rivals online with his buddy from school when he asked me to make him Milo. I did, and after placing his mug next to him, I leaned forward to look at his screen. To my surprise, he gave me a peck on the cheek, flashed me the biggest smile, and then turned back to his screen to continue gaming. 

That small display of affection may have meant nothing to him. But it meant the world to me and my mommy heart skipped a thousand beats. I can't even remember the last time he did that!

I was instantly brought back to a beautiful past 

my mind had forgotten even existed,
but my heart hadn’t. 🩵

Sure, it wasn’t the same hug-and-kiss we used to chant. But didn’t need to be. It was quieter. More fleeting. Almost accidental, perhaps? But in that small, carefree peck on my cheek, I felt the same love. Just older, more contained, and somehow... the same, but evolved.

Yes, it's clear, my baby has grown. But I'll continue to appreciate and accept every expression of love he offers me, in whatever shape or form it appears, no matter how frequent or fleeting.

Baby Best Friend

Ethan made my night. He made my day. My week. My month. Or even perhaps my year! We were going through bedtime. Just lying in each other arms, chatting about his day in the semi-darkness of the room. When suddenly, he turned his face to mine and gave me a tight hug.

“You’re my best friend,” he said.

“You’re mine!” I replied.

And then he hugged me tighter, snuggled in deeper, and slept.

Random Questions On A Random Day

Pam Song: Actually, what is your ideal house?

The Husband: Nah… *points at me* You. It’s a person. Pam Song.

🤭

When My Boys Were All Mine

I remember a time when the boys were all mine, 

When morning to dusk, it was just they and I. 

Every moment was ours – just my two boys and me, 

A mom and her sons, running wild and free.

We’d laugh, we’d play, we’d sing through the day,
At home, in the car – all along the way.

To school and to classes, we'd dash to and fro,

From home to Alice, Chiltern or Publika, we'd go, go, go!

Car rides begin with, "What are we listening to today?"
Then a loud Disney singalong, all the way.

A quick park, a mad dash and a crazy run, 
We'd race along the corridors to class – it was fun!

Every two hours, a quick change of venue,

Every night, we'd rush home just to meet curfew.

A shower then dinner, then bedtime at seven, 

Caden hugging my legs, Ethan in my arms – it was heaven.

Whether early or late, whatever the wait,
Always together, no matter the date.
Through every detour, every little delay,
I cherished the moments, every step of the way.

I was their world, just as they were all mine, 

That fleeting season, that sacred moment in time. 

Now echoes remain where chaos once played,

Still deep in my heart, those memories will stay.

Had To Stop For A Picture...

...because some afternoons are just

more breathtaking than others. 🤩

#seasunsky #islandlife #PenangIsland 🏝️

I ❤️ U

JJ: Will you be my mummy forever?

Pam Song: I will. #momvows

And then he put a ring on it. 💍🥰

God didn’t give me girls. But He more than made up for it by blessing me with this funny, artsy, giggly, loving, homemade-jewellery-gifting second son. I liked the first ring he gave me. But I think I love this one more. 🥰

5ct Ring From JJ

A precious gift of an (imaginary) precious stone ring

from a precious little one after school. 💍💎

A true gem from a heart of gold, duncha think?

This mommy’s heart is full. 🥰❤️

Bedtime Messenger Calls With The Boys

Having some FB Messenger fun with the boys

before they head off to bed. #thankGodfortechnology

Ugly faces galore! Wheeee!!!

The Last Fun Fling

As fate would have it, the night before my admission at the hospital for surgery the following day, I discover my extreme sport of choice – rollerblading. LOL.

Wearing my nephew's rollerblades cos they fit my Size 36 feet!

Just two aunties forgetting they're old and just doing their thang.

We had so much fun rolling around in the porch while the men and daddies talked shop. Now I can't wait to get better from my surgery so I can get me a pair of roller blades from Decathlon and go rollerblading with the kids! #coolmom #coolaunt #bokiasi Now this is exercise I don't mind doing la! In fact, I enjoyed myself so much I impulse purchased a pair of skates each for the boys from Decathlon's online store on the spot. Early Christmas presents from The Husband and I – kautim! Haha!

A Love Letter From JJ 💌

JJ isn't really the verbally expressive kind when it comes to saying lovey-dovey stuff. He doesn't say "I love you" much – not even to me – and usually doesn't respond in kind when being told so by The Husband. 9 out of 10 times, the man's I-love-yous are met with silence from JJ. Haha. 😅 #sadcase

BUT... JJ does seem to enjoy sending written notes. 💌 He's given me many drawings, messages and texts over the years. They're usually pretty sweet, quirky and cute. He's got a good knack for colour-mixing and draws well. He also has very legible handwriting and is able to spell most easy words on his own. Those he cannot, he manages to wing it phonetically. Haha. #justpakaihentamonly

This was today's love letter...

Awww. 😍🥰

I know he'll grow up someday and when that time comes, it won't be cool writing Mommy love letters anymore. Some other lucky lady will probably be on the receiving end of these love notes, too. But I'm glad today is not that day. So I'll enjoy this moment. Because today, the son I love, loves me. My heart is full. ❤️ 

A Moustach-y Movember

Hahaha. 🤣🤣🤣

This boy never fails to crack me up!

#neveradullday

I can't decide if he looks more like

Hitler 😠 or Sherlock Holmes! 🧐 

The Hunt For A Double Scooter

A little over a week ago, the boys went to their friend's house for a playdate. There, one tried skateboarding for the first time, while the other tried double-scootering. After that one afternoon, there was nothing else I heard about for days. Skateboard-scooter fever was ON!

Decathlon was the suggested place for us to get a good quality skateboard. Unfortunately, it's sold out online and there ain't no Decathlon brick-and-mortar store on the island. 😩 #smalltownwoes So, it looks like JZ's gotta wait till Ah Ma and Ah Kong head down to KL. 

So, all I needed to get was a double scooter. And I have to get it ASAP cos I've got surgery coming! How to go scooter-hunting if I'm all bandaged up, right?? 🤕  Plus, I want the boys to be happily and adequately occupied while I'm in the hospital so they don't feel my absence. 😔 

The first place we went to had some double scooters but they were really old, faded and dusty. I wasn't going to spend a good hundred ringgit on that. The shop lady also said she didn't want to sell those scooters to us cos she said that they were old stock. 😅😂  #tautakpe

The second stop... BINGO!

*choir of angels sing*

Trying out the double scooter to decide if he wanted it.

After a few rounds of butt-shaking in-store,

JJ finally made his decision – "I want!"

After discount less than RM100. Not bad la. Can tekan brake summore. Plus, it was totally worth it after I saw how happy and excited he was. 😍 #happysonhappymom

It fit in the boot so I put it there.

But all the way home,

he occupied himself by playing

with the handles and brakes quietly.

 

And then, it got quieter...

I turned around to check on him and discovered that he had fallen asleep! 😴 Guess the excitement of the day wore him out. But even in sleep, he hung on to his new toy all the way home.

Good News + Bad News

The good news is that the lump that was discovered is not considered a cancerous lump. Hooray! 🥳  #Godisgood The bad news is that it's a ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS), which is defined as a pre-cancer. Boo-hoo. 😞 #cancersucks Either way, it means that we'll have to proceed with surgery. How drastic and how major... well, that's up for discussion.

Time to do some research and pray for wisdom! 🙏 

Star(s) of the Week

I'm the Star of the Week!

Aww... JZ got one, too!

Both certificates and angpows, courtesy of JJ. ❤️

(We received some KidZania currencies. 🤣)

Walking The Gardens In A Post-COVID-19 Era

Hi hi! This picture of JJ and I from this afternoon's walk was so very easy to post. Already naturally blog-friendly and pre-censored. HAHA. 😎😷

I tell you, I really dunno whether to laugh or to cry la with this #newnormal – haih. Dah lah, I hate exercise. Now, have to bungkus up half the face to meet SOP lagi. So, end up become super-duper, extra, maximum hot and cannot breathe. Really beh tahan. 🥵

But Penang Botanical Gardens remains as green, grand and glorious as ever. I wish I could say that the grounds were as people-free as seen in this picture but... no such luck, mates. Even at 3-something, it was already teeming with sweaty folk 🤭 all desperately trying to cepat-cepat clock in their exercise time before the real crowd arrives a little later in the evening. I just very clever to sim sim (that’s Cantonese for dodge or avoid) take photo. 😆

Run, my children!

Run wild and free!

Solar flare! 🌈 

I totally kena conned by the weather today la. It really looked like it was going to be cool and windy when we were still at home but nooooo... tipu wan. So damn hot. 🔥🔥🔥  If I knew it was going to be such a sauna, I wouldn't have suggested this for exercise in the first place. 🤐

A Peaceful, Misty Morning

Given that the land is blessed with an abundance of hills and seas, waking up in Penang often results in some pretty breathtaking views. This misty morn was no exception. ❤️ JJ spotted some low-hanging clouds in the distance while dressing for school and was really excited about it. So, we all stopped to just enjoy the calm of this cool morning for a bit.

You know how it is. School Mornings + Kids = Mad rush with lots of parental growling involved. 😅 So it was really nice to just put a pin on things, catch a breather, and enjoy the moment for a bit before the madness resumed. 

Before we let the busyness of everyday life

steal away the calm and quiet of the night.

And ruin the view moment. 🏞 

Yes, it was nice. 🙂

Immunotherapy Round 18 – THE GRAND FINALE!

12.56pm – Cocktail lai liao. I'm really looking forward

to my 10mg of Piriton up my line today. #stim 😆 

1.05pm – Fitri's putting in my line – hurray!

He, Taki and Chong are the bestest best! #nomisses

Kautim!

Snagged myself a bed again today. WIN! Bed over armchair any day.

Brought along my mini hot water bottle, too, so I can stay warm.

Ahhh, comfy. Let's get this over quick!

I'm so not going to miss this view!

------------

I know I've been super slack when it comes to updating Tinki Talks my treatment progress but this is one milestone that cannot be missed no matter how lazy I get. Cos one super-duper, impossibly looooong year and three weeks later, I've finally completed e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g the doctor ordered.

Gosh, I almost can't believe that I'm done! That's right.

DONE!

Hurrah! 🎉🎉🎉

1 ❌ Lumpectomy – CHECK!

6 ❌ Taxotere Carboplatin Chemotherapy – CHECK!

15 + 5 ❌ Radiotherapy – CHECK!

...and of course...

18 ❌ Herceptin Immunotherapy – CHECK!

Of course, this isn't totally the end, in the sense that I still have a good +/- 5-10 years of Tamoxifen pills left to pop, plus a lifetime of check-ups laid out before me but... Hey! One little victory at a time, right? #ImASurvivor

2nd FT Date With EJ

Was exchanging rants with her midway when suddenly, I see her finger floating in front of the screen for no apparent reason at all. I stop and ask, "Eh. What you pointing at??" Then she goes, "Oh! Hahaha. I trying to take a picture!" LOL! 

So yes, we issa taking

screenshot pichas after that. 👯‍♀️

And then we went right back

to Rant.FM hahaha. #priorities

Seriously though, I felt so much better after our chat. Was feeling kinda down in the dumps earlier. This is why women need girlfriends in life la. Even The Husband noticed the difference later and said: "Eh, you look better today. Happier. Tell EJ she must call and talk to you every day. No excuses." 😂

My Happy Little Chef

I got to spend some quality time alone with JJ this morning while The Husband brought JZ out for Football ECA at school. I wanted to make myself some scrambled eggs on toast and asked if he would like to join me and help me make it. Of course, my little kaypochee jumped at the opportunity to get his hands dirty in the kitchen. No hesitation whatsoever.

Le Grains sun-dried tomato bread in the toaster,

kampung eggs broken into bowls and lightly seasoned,

and there's JJ on the counter, all ready to beat some eggs.

I showed JJ how to make scrambled eggs by making mine first. Dumped the eggs into the pan and started stirring till they were done. He watched, paid close attention and listened to my instructions. After that, I left him to make his own. 

And... here we go!

STIR! STIR! STIR! DON'T STOP STIRRING!!! 😂

And... tadaaaaa!!

The beaming chef with his first plate of scrambled eggs on toast.

Look at that smile. He was so, so happy with what he had achieved! And I was so, so proud of him! He did an excellent job. 👏👍💪 Ok la. My work here is done. From now on, JJ will be our family's breakfast chef. 😆 #cucitangan #passingonthebaton

Yum yum. Chef approved!

All in all, I think my little boy had fun spending time with his mommy. And I'm really glad we got to do this together cos I've really missed spending alone time with him, too. 😘 

You see, back when we were still in KL, JJ finished school at 12pm daily, while JZ finished school at 2pm on days without ECA. That meant that I had at least 2 hours of alone time with JJ every. single. day. from the time he started preschool at CH at 2y4m until 5 July 2019 when we officially left AS.

That's 2 hours alone with mommy – without Kor Kor or Papa around to compete for attention – 5 days a week, for 2 years and 11 months of his 5 years of being alive. Quite a significant amount of time for a child, if you ask me. (And this doesn't even include JZ's ECA extra time in school and the 1.5-hour alone time that we get when JZ is at The Little Secret and he's not!)

In those 2 precious hours during mid-day, we'd eat, catch up, talk, cook noodles, make jelly, play games, watch videos, sing songs, go shopping, and do other random nonsense together. We even went to RedBox for karaoke buffet together before. 🎤 Just the two of us. Twice, I think! LOL!

So yes, coming back to Penang, going to a new school, living in a new home, and dealing with cancer has brought many changes for JJ and I. But one of the biggest changes is the reduction of alone time that we get to spend together. I must remember to create more pockets of precious moments like these for him and JZ, too. I want to continue to be one of the reasons they smile like this:

Love Notes From My Little One

JJ came home from school with some

surprise mail for the family today. 📮

This is mine. 💌

"IT IS for..."

"IT IS for mI mummy"

He loves drawing and had started to spell phonically

so this came as a wonderful surprise for me. 😍

A bee, a flower and a sun.

This boy may look all rough and tough on the outside but he's a real sweetheart kind of cuddly marshmallow on the inside. He's always making me things and drawing me stuff. 😘 But I wasn't the only one on the receiving end today.

The Husband received a

somewhat odd looking dino, too. 🦖

Though his Ah Kong received a nicer looking one

(much to The Husband's dissatisfaction). 😅

And Ah Ma got some pretty flowers. 🌸🌸

I don't know about everyone else on his love letter list but Imma keeping mine from now till forever because I know these days don't last a lifetime. They pass in a blink of an eye and before I know it, he'll grow up and grow out of this stage. Too soon, I'll get text messages and emoticons which, you must admit, aren't quite the same as a hand-drawn picture that comes in an envelope that says:

"IT IS for mI mummy." ❤️