Tak Jadi. Always Tak Jadi.

Okay, so you know how I told you I'd be putting myself through the torture of going for a medical screening last Saturday? Well, big news! It didn't happen. -_-'


Went all the way there only to discover that Pathlab was closed. Damn suey. Wake up early on Saturday morning for nothing. (Ok, fine. Not nothing. I had breakfast for the first time in months.) But... haih. No surprise lah, really. Not considering my history with medical check-ups.

Told you that things always go wrong, right?
Well, you have no idea how wrong
Wrong can get with me.

Come, I tell you story.

My last medical check-up was a fiasco. Like, no kidding. From beginning to end, anything that could go wrong, went wrong. We go from one test to another, ok? Systematic a bit. (Che wah.)


1. GETTING MY URINE SAMPLE


I went to the hospital bright and early. Had my morning pee upon waking up then made sure I didn't visit the toilet anytime after already. Just in case I couldn't pee upon request. Unfortunately for me, registration took a LOT longer than expected so I ended up having to take a leak while waiting in line with my mom. As soon as I came out of the toilet, a nurse comes over with a cup and says,

"Nah, girl. Pee into this. Middle stream. Thank you."
T_T Perfect timing lah, aunty nurse. Just perfect.

So... what to do? Drink water lor. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug – I tell you I never drink so much water before in so short a time. Really can vomit, man. Finally, after 8 cups or so, I felt like... ok, think can pee already. Grabbed the cup and headed for the nearest toilet.


Here I've gotta give you a bit of background or else you sure tak faham and think I'm half-spastic. You see, I was training for a show at the time and I'd gotten myself very bad lower back (semi-slipped disk) and thumb-slash-wrist injury during dance training that week.

So...

Back Tak Boleh Bend + Hand Tak Boleh Guna
= Super Useless + Pathetically Disabled

Now, back to the story at hand. So there I was, in the toilet stall, staring at the toilet seat before me. Eee. Look a bit stained. Since my back's toast and I can't do that half-squat-half-stand stance, I've gotta clean it up before plonking my bum on it. With my good hand and so much toilet paper that environmentalists would have stoned me to death, I cleaned the seat.


Wipe, wipe, wipe until I was satisfied it wouldn't give me instant butt cancer. Then I layered some toilet paper on the seat, and proceeded to take off my jeans. Not an easy feat with one hand, I tell you. Especially not when that one hand's also holding a pee cup. -_-


Finally, SUCCESS! I did it! Sat down, and started to pee lor. Full concentration, man. Not easy. Waited till mid-stream then decided that it was time the pee cup got introduced to my pee.

AND THEN I FREAKING DROPPED
THE FREAKING PEE CUP INTO
THE FREAKING TOILET BOWL!!!

LIKE WTH!? WHAT NOW!? ARRRGGHHH!!!
TIME! TO! STOP! THE! PEE! FROM! COMING! OUT!

Pure torture! You know what it's like starting to pee and then having to hold it back??? It's hell, I tell you! They should have practiced this during war time. Sure a lot of people bongkar stories of their alliances wan.


But I did it. I stopped the pee. Mind over matter. Left brain rules. Right brain doesn't get her way. The body obeys. The bladder wanna die. The person dunno what to do cos still sitting on the toilet bowl with the pee cup in the bowl. Damn fail. -_-'''


I looked around. Shit! No sink! WTH!? What kind of private hospital designs toilets with no sinks wan!?! So I thought to myself:

Ok ok, relax. F-o-c-u-s.
What would MacGyver do?

MACGYVER WOULD FREAKING PUT HIS PANTS ON
AND RESCUE THAT FREAKING PEE CUP FIRST LAH!

So I had to do the impossible – put on my underwear and jeans with ONE HAND. -_-''' Dunno why I wore jeans also lah, I tell you. Damn bodo. But somehow... I managed the impossible. It was at this point that I started feeling really thankful that I was anal about the cleanliness of the toilet seat. The pee cup wasn't floating in pee and water. It was sitting on top of a dry heap of toilet paper. YAY! Thank God for small mercies! So I picked it up and proceeded to exit the toilet stall.


Opened the door, peeked outside and saw the sink just across the corridoor. Ok. Time to device a plan. Quick and fast, Pam. Nobody will see you if you're quick and fast. BUT I CANNOT BLOODY RUN WITH A BAD BACK HOW TO QUICK AND FAST??? -_-''' Ok, fine. Light and dainty, then. Tiptoe and nobody will notice. Pink Panther does it all the time. You can do it too.


So... I half tiptoed, half ran to the sink, rinsed the pee cup and half tiptoed, half ran back to the toilet stall. (I think my mom said she saw me. -_-) Then, of course, I had to go through all the pain of taking off my pants again lah. Haih. But this time, I came out with a successfully filled pee cup. YAY!

Wah. That was a freaking long story. Maybe I should have episodes. Hmmm. Yeah, think I should. Lunch hour's over. Time to get back to work. Hope you enjoyed Episode 1: Getting My Urine Sample. Stay tuned for more!