Blood: The Last Vampire

NOTE: Worry not. This review does not contain spoilers. Can't promise you you'll still want to watch this movie after reading the review though.


As most of you may already know, I got an invitation to attend the party and premiere screening of Blood: The Last Vampire at Cathay, Cineleisure Damansara some time earlier this week.

And since I was like, beyond late, I was a no-show for the Cosplay-styled Undead Costume Masquerade party that happened before the screening. No loss to me though. Weekday costume parties aren't really my thing. With work and all, where got time?? I consider myself fortunate to be able to make it there before the movie started. Haha. Even more surprised that I actually had time to grab an O'Brien's Chicken & Bacon Triple Decker Tootsie – YUMS! Had to sneak it into the cinema, of course. Haha. No time to sit and eat.

So what was my favourite part of the entire
movie-cum-premiere screening experience?

Well, if I'm honest, I've gotta say that
it's glossy laminated hard card invites.

-_-

The movie was totally B-grade to me.

Okay. Time to slice and dice.

1. ACTING – FAIL!
The acting was downright amateurish. The female supporting actress and the dude who played her dad were possibly the most tak boleh pakai ones. I didn't buy their father-daughter conversation at all. At. All. Then the good-guy-meets-bad-guy thing just didn't cut it for me.


2. BLOOD – FAIL!
You know how there's chunky peanut butter? Well, this movie only serves chunky blood. And in case you were wondering, the blood was not chunky in the cool, artsy-fartsy 300 or Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street kinda way. More like chunky in a ate-something-wrong-for-dinner-and-have-to-lausai kinda way.


3. ENGLISH – FAIL!
The bad guy (woman, actually) spoke like Amber Chia. Same accent. Same type of English. Sama sama England tak boleh pakai.


4. PLOT – FAIL!
The plot came with about a gazillion loopholes. I didn't watch the anime so half the time, I was guessing. And half the time, things didn't add up. There were bits that just didn't quite fit in terms of the sudden bond and loyalty between the female lead and the supporting actress. Haiyo, all off lah. And, like I said, I didn't watch the anime, right? Well, even with that in mind and with all the guessing I had to do, the plot was predictable.


5. LOGIC – FAIL!
The entire movie defies all rules of logic. Big fights take place, lots of commotion, lots of ruined houses, lots of blood, lots of strewn body parts, lots of flying heads, lots of dead people-slash-vamps... and nobody else in the tiny town notices anything amiss. Not even the coppers of the army. In fact, I think that this is what the conversation was like between the Director and the Producer prior to filming:

Director: Eh, Producer! What is logic ah?

Producer: Heh? Lo-what-gik wor? What talking you?

Director: LOR-GIK. Haiyo, that... that... word in the Dictionary lah, summore what??

Producer: Oh! Lorh-jeek ah. I know! I know! I know the word. I heard before.

Director: Then the meaning you know or not leh?

Producer: Dunno. You know ah?

Director: Dunno.

Producer: Then how?

Director: Dunno also.

Producer: Oh.

Director & Producer: Hmmm.

Producer: Nevermind lah. If we dunno maybe other people also dunno. Just shoot lah!

Director: Ok, set. TAKE 1!

6. COSTUME & STYLING – FAIL!
You know what? I think that Saya's Japanese school girl skirt should have been shorter. (Saya's the name of the good vamp-slash-vamp killer-slash-female lead, by the way.) For the sake of aesthetics lah. A bit tak sama from the anime nevermind wan wat. Maybe that would have saved the movie. FYI, Saya wears boy cut panties though. Just an observation on my part. Oh, and she should totally do something about that fringe. So annoying!


7. CONSISTENCY – FAIL!
Look out for black "beards" on "bad guys". Nuff said.


But... In spite of that failed consistency mystery, I tell you this: Unless you're really into the anime and you just HAVE TO watch this movie, don't. Give it a miss. Your RM10 would be better off spent on a nice tub of Vanilla ice-cream from Häagen-Dazs. Can get 50 sen change summore.