...but I can't find it.
You know, it's disturbing when you have conversations with a person whom you feel isn't really there. Like, they're there but... they're not there. On MSN, on the phone, in the same room, or even physically lying by your side, on the same bed, holding your hand... but still MIA. It happens. You talk, and then you realise... they're there, but they're just not connecting with you. Not mentally. Or worse... not emotionally. That conversation you think you're having, it's called 'going through the motions.' And to me, that's not communicating. That's not a conversation. It's just soulless dialogue.
I don't know what to make of it. It's like a switch suddenly gets flipped and the lights just go out. Sometimes, even without warning. And it frustrates me. This state of incommunicado. It frustrates me a lot. Why isn't there a connection? Why am I not allowed in? Why am I being shut out? Why am I left to wonder about these whys? Why?
And the worst part is this: Knowing that it's not unintentional. That there's no, "I'm actually pretty tired," no, "It's been a long day," no, "I've got a splitting headache right now," to blame. That's when you know that the doors have closed. And they're not behind you.
12 comments :
This reminds me of what i would call 'frequency' that we so often seek in people to bond. You could be going all FlyFM to that person about your day while he/she is just being LiteFM. Super the frustrating.
While some other people put up walls to see if anyone cares enough to tear them down.
Hang in there.
This, I can so relate!! 'Soulless-dialogue', yes, yes yes! They don't realize it! But you see, some people are not so 'expressive' when it comes to communication on the 'net. Seriously, I've come across many like that. They're totally funny and stuff in person, but when you see them online (MSN, YM, email)... they only communicate what needs to be communicated. I realized this some time ago, and stopped harbouring hopes of seeing people online the way they are offline. As for me, I totally immerse myself into the cyberspace and 'be' in there. I think most bloggers are like that. Haha.
ATTN: Nigel
– I so get your FlyFM and LiteFM comparison. It's true! And it just gets really demeaning. Like you're trying like hell to connect but the other side just refuses to comply. You're there knocking on those damn doors but they stay shut even if you knock till your fingers bleed.
ATTN: narrowband
– I agree with the net communication thingy. And yes, I suppose bloggers are little more 'out there' then many other people. That's cos our lives are so intertwined with the internet. Imagine a day without it... instant breakdown.
But... I feel the most painful kind of incommunicado is one where while using the SAME means of communication, suddenly there's no more emotional attachment. It's like yesterday while you were chatting, the person was so ON. Then today, it's gone already. No longer there. It pains me lah. Oh, and frustrates me, too. -_-
I've been searching for that 'connection' my whole life. Sometimes Sometimes, I get envious when I look at friends talking to each other, coz I'm usually the one siding soulless dialogue. For some reason, I do not to expose my expression in conversations.
ATTN: 3POINT8
– Why? It makes it very difficult for ppl to reach you. And if the always end up banging their heads on walls, some people just stop trying altogether.
If the person next to you is not listening, you 'CUBIT' la...=P
If online, use the nudge feature la...
ATTN: Adrian Lim
– Doesn't work. You get to enjoy the pain of being ignored.
hmm...
hey my dear.. are you ok? I really hope this post is not a full fledge emo one.
ATTN: Freethinker
– Hmmm.
ATTN: Aronil
– So emo, right? I also feel so emo. WHY YOU NOT HERE TO UN-EMO-FY ME???
i hate it when that happens! sometimes i wonder if the person that does it knows how much it hurts and still they do it on purpose. the amount of hurt is directly proportionate to how much u care about that person.
ATTN: amb3r1te
– EXACTLY!!! The amount of hurt IS directly proportionate to how much the person means to you. Blah! So unfair!
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