Operasi Train Jantan: Part 20

*blink blink*

Wow, we're at Part 20 already?! Not bad
for a part-time, side-dish blog adventure, huh?


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Topic of the Day: FIGHTING FAIR.

You think that just because you're up for a fight with somebody you're mad with, everything you say or do becomes fair game? Well, let me give you the heads up – it's not. If you care enough to fight about it, you better care enough to care. Really c-a-r-e. You've got to want something good to come out of the fight. It can't be purposeless. It can't be to kill your opponent. It can't be to tear them down. The has to be something more noble behind the argument – a bigger, greater cause, if you will. No matter how angry you are, it's not go-all-out-and-rip-off-your-opponent's-tongues.

There are rules to fighting.

So here they are. A list of simple, easy-to-do steps to follow when fighting to ensure that, above all, you fight fair – at least that's what adults with conscience and a clear head do.


RULE #1: AVOID GOING ON THE OFFENSE. Blaming the other party for making you feel the way you feel may be gratifying... but it's not going to help make things better. In fact, I can pretty much assure you that things WILL GET WORSE. Why? Because when you blame and point-fingers, you immediately set the situation in a way that puts the other person on the defense. And you can't blame them for being defensive, really. It's a natural reaction towards what you've presented to them.


RULE #2: DO NOT ABUSE. And that includes emotional, psychological and verbal abuse, aside from the obvious forms of physical abuse monsters out there have come up with. I don't get how people who say they love a person can bring themselves to lash out on the very person they're supposed to hug to sleep at night in such inhumane ways. And no matter how you put it, abuse is inhumane. ANY form of abuse is inhumane. In fact, verbal bashing scars lie deeper and stay much longer than those of physical battering. Just cos one person uses his or her mouth to inflict intentional pain on another does NOT make them any better than a person who raises his or her fist in anger. If you're that person, you're just as bad... if not worse.


RULE #3: DO NOT LIE TO GET YOURSELF OUT OF TROUBLE. Lying is a BIG no-no for me. It's not bending the rules... it's downright throwing the Rule Book into Eternal Damnation... with a big-ass grin on your face. If you find the need to lie, then you must have done something (committing a Sin of Commission) you're not proud of, or perhaps have NOT done something (committing a Sin of Omission) you should have and you're also not proud of it. Whatever the case, it just plain means that you screwed up... and you better well be ready to step up, and own up to it like a man. Or else, she deserves a REAL man and would do far better without you in her life.


RULE #4: DO NOT PASS-OFF THE OTHER PERSON'S CLAIMS AS A LIE WITHOUT FURTHER INVESTIGATION INTO THE MATTER. Now this rule, is the total opposite of Rule #3. Don't jump the gun. Cos when people jump guns, they die. And in this case, whatever you share with the girl you call your own, WILL. DIE. because there's no trust. It's as simple as that – trust. If it's that hard for you to believe what she has to say to you, then... I don't know what else it is that you both share. Really. Because trust is such a integral part of a relationship. Don't let's talk about trusting and believing that your partner is not a cheat. Or that they'll never walk out on you when you need them most. Or that they'll never screw you over by telling your arch enemies on you. That kind of trust has got to already be a given.

But here, I'm talking about the every-day-stuff kinda trust. Trust in the small things. Like when they tell you they've fed the goldfish. Or when they tell you they went to bed before midnight. Or that they tell you that they didn't intentionally forget the time... they just forgot. You know? That kind of trust. It sounds simple but many people fall short because they start doubting the word of the woman they say they'd give their lives for. Freaking hell, if you really trust her enough to give your life for her, can't you just trust that she's already locked the garden gate!? Unbelievable.


RULE #5: AVOID FIGHTING WHEN ONE OR BOTH PARTIES AREN'T READY AND/OR AREN'T WELL-RESTED. If you pursue an argument when your partner is stressed about issues they're facing, tired after a long day at work, fatigued from time spent at the gym, hungry from not having had dinner, or sick with even just the common flu, it just shows that You. Don't. Care. You don't care about the day they've just had, you don't care about how they feel, you don't care about their well-being... and, most importantly, it shows them that you don't care about them as a person and partner. And with that, you give them no reason to fight for what you both share.

Really. It's just as painful to know that while you're going through something tough and draining, the person who's supposed to be there for you just doesn't care enough to support you through it... and even goes out of their way to pick a fight with you and make life that much more stressful and difficult. You can't resolve a problem on the fly. No one can. And no matter how civil the conversation is, the whole thinking and problem-solving process IS draining. If you begin the argument with one party already half-drained, no good can come of it.


RULE #6: PICK THE RIGHT PLACE. Even if you feel like ripping your hair off and slapping your partner silly in the middle of a shopping mall, don't. Go home (or at least make it to the car) before you let your temper flare. Nobody wants an audience. And a relationship on the rocks doesn't need an audience. You're already trying to defend the relationship from whatever cracks its undergoing. Don't cause your partner to have to defend their dignity in a public place.

Another place never to have an argument is at one party's 'territory'. No matter what you say or think, the space you choose to argue at empowers the person it belongs to. For instance, the study has somewhat become 'YOUR' space and the kitchen is, by default, 'HER' space. Argue in the living room where you both SHARE space. Where both of you can be comfortable enough to share your thoughts and feelings without feeling the need to escape the foreboding walls that surround you. This is especially true when couples are in the dating phase of their relationship. Arguing at her house, by default, runs on her terms and vice versa. Imagine her father or your mother behind the door, hanging on to every word you say to each other and you'll soon see what i mean. Go to some place where you can both have a proper, adult discussion on neutral ground.


RULE #7: AVOID ARGUING BEFORE YOU'VE BOTH HAD TIME TO MULL THINGS OVER AND CALM DOWN. Don't argue when you or your partner is still upset and fuming. It doesn't help. Not one bit. Emotions will undoubtedly take over and nothing stays respectful or becomes productive. Shout-fests are absolutely useless and non-constructive but they will arise when one or both parties aren't ready to discuss the issues at hand with a clear head and level shoulders. If you're not ready to talk, tell her. If she's not ready to talk, don't make her. If you can't even talk about whether or not you're both ready to talk to one another, do you really think you're both ready to talk about the bigger, more-worrying stuff? I think not.


RULE #8: LISTEN. Open those ears and make sure they stay open throughout the fight. If all that both parties want to do is talk and not listen, nothing's going to change and nothing's going to get better. You might as well just start preparing for you next fight... cos there's bound to be another one at the rate that you're going. It helps if you speak less and listen more. Don't interrupt. And even when you absolutely have to, don't let it be to accuse, pass on the blame, or defend yourself before you listen to everything your partner has to say. Don't even scoff or roll your eyes.

People fight because there's emotional upheaval underneath a calm facade. And when emotional issues are being unearthed and laid out on the table in plain sight, the person who bears their heart, soul and emotions becomes vulnerable. So nod if you understand where they're coming from. Or at least stay silent if you disagree with the cause of their feelings. (You can't disagree with their feelings cos it's A FEELING. People don't choose the way they feel. They just feel it. And no matter who you are, you can't tell a person to start or stop feeling a certain way.) I read this once: "Honour the emotions behind the words." I couldn't agree more.


RULE #9: DON'T COMPARE YOUR PARTNER OR YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO ANYBODY ELSE'S. Don't ever say, "But Jessica did it for Ben, why can't you do it???" or, "If Liz could agree to that, then she must love Tim more than you love me!!!" Why? Are YOU like Tim? Do you WANT to be like Tim? Do you want your girlfriend to START liking Tim? Then stop comparing her to Tim's girlfriend cos she's NOT Tim's girlfriend and you're NOT Tim.

The grass is always greener on the other side. It's so easy for us to see the good in other people and to point out the worst in the people closest to us. That's only cos we know about the worst in the people we are close to. That's cos they've allowed themselves to be vulnerable with us – to be honest with us about who they really are. And they've allowed us into the parts of their lives that even they themselves don't like.

Plus, if you think that Jessica or Liz make great perfect partners, then it obviously means that you're dating the wrong person or that you've married the wrong girl. If you think that someone else's girlfriend is better in your eyes than the person you're seeing, I feel sorry for you. I do. You lost out and he's got the girl... not you.


RULE # 10: DON'T USE ABSOLUTES LIKE 'NEVER' OR 'ALWAYS'. These include variations of the word 'never' such as 'forever' and 'ever'. "You NEVER pay attention to me wan." "You ALWAYS put football ahead of me." "You don't listen. EVER!" "Late again? FOREVER wan lah you!" Is that true? Is it true that they've NEVER paid attention to you? Can you honestly say that you've ALWAYS been taken for granted? That can't be so.

You see, when you make absolute statements, you close the door to reasoning, logical explanation and hearing the point of view from the other party involved. Steer clear of these accusatory absolutes. They may stress your point better but in actuality, they end up doing more harm than good. Plus, if you really think about it, there are very few places we actually get to inject these words in the midst of an argument without rocking the boat.


RULE #11: DON'T PLAY 'THE EXPERT'. Nobody likes to go into a discussion with Mr Know-It-All or Mr Holier-Than-Thou or even Mr I-Am-Always-Right (ooo, an absolute has shown its ugly self). Don't behave like you know better... cos who's to say you really do? Perhaps you don't. That's the point of the argument after all, right? To come to a decision TOGETHER... and not to come to YOUR decision.

Honestly, nobody cares if you're smarter, or wiser, or more intelligent. In an argument, everybody's the same. You fight to be heard, and you fight for your point of view to get across. That's it. It's as simple as that. Doesn't matter if you've got and IQ of 180 or an IQ of 90. Anyway, just cos you're smarter doesn't make you right by default. It doesn't make your idea better than hers by default. (Plus, not all guys are that smart anyways. I've met my share of dumb ones... and I know a lot of smart girls.)


RULE #12: DON'T THREATEN TO WALK OUT ON THE RELATIONSHIP. This is one where I'll use an absolute. Don't EVER threaten to walk out on her because of a disagreement. Sure, love isn't all about things being lovey-dovey all the time. But what's so wrong about agreeing to disagree? So she might not think of things the way you do. So maybe she's not as like-minded as you hoped she'd be with what you proposed. Then work on it! To say you'll walk out of it is just you taking the easy way out instead of staying back to solve the problem. It's escapism.

Such threats leave marks, my friends. Seriously. She'll always wonder when that next conversation will take place. When it will be. When those words will come pouring out again from the same mouth that so frequently tells her you love her. When you'll next tell her you want to walk away again. When you'll next decide that she's not worth staying back for... when she's no longer worth fighting for anymore. It stays. It always stays.

So there you have it.

A dozen rules to practice when fighting fair.

Okay, so they're not all that easy to do and practise. Especially not when you're upset with the person you want to maul. But we've all gotta do it if we care about the people we bother fighting with. It results in more constructive arguments.


p/s: Girls, we'd do well by observing these rules in a fight, too. I'm sure we've fallen short in more ways than one no matter how uber-fantasticly goddess-y we all are.

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Read Operasi Train Jantan: Part 1, Operasi Train Jantan: Part 2,
Operasi Train Jantan: Part 3, Operasi Train Jantan: Part 4,
Operasi Train Jantan: Part 5, Operasi Train Jantan: Part 6,
Operasi Train Jantan: Part 7, Operasi Train Jantan: Part 8,
Operasi Train Jantan: Part 9, Operasi Train Jantan: Part 10,
Operasi Train Jantan: Part 11, Operasi Train Jantan: Part 12,
Operasi Train Jantan: Part 13, Operasi Train Jantan: Part 14,
Operasi Train Jantan: Part 15, Operasi Train Jantan: Part 16,
Operasi Train Jantan: Part 17, Operasi Train Jantan: Part 18,
and Operasi Train Jantan: Part 19 that's somewhere in cyberspace
(sorry lah, I can't for the life of me link this post) first if you
haven't read them yet and you'll soon understand what I'm getting at.