Good News + Bad News

The good news is that the lump that was discovered is not considered a cancerous lump. Hooray! 🥳  #Godisgood The bad news is that it's a ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS), which is defined as a pre-cancer. Boo-hoo. 😞 #cancersucks Either way, it means that we'll have to proceed with surgery. How drastic and how major... well, that's up for discussion.

Time to do some research and pray for wisdom! 🙏 

Standing Outside Your Door

...waiting to know if I should laugh or cry. 😅 

This 4-day medical cliffhanger was no fun at all. Truly, The Wait is the worst part la, I tell you. Sitting around just stressing about the many possible scenarios that await me once I walk through those doors and say, "Hi, Doctor." Ugh. Really can go crazy just thinking and thinking while being none the wiser.

Thank goodness I've got some company today. 🥰

We're planning on finishing The Queen's Gambit while we wait!

His Mercies Are New Every Morning

Great is His faithfulness. 🙏

-----------

I was hoping to get an early callback from my Breast Surgeon yesterday with my biopsy results. But the only one who called was a J&T Express delivery man who set The Husband's heart racing. 😅😂 Guess I will be keeping my Saturday morning appointment after all.

Having said that, I'm feeling a lot better about things today. His Word tells me that all things will work together for good. So why should I fear or be weary, and face the day with dread and sorrow? Have a great day, guys! I will, too! 🌅 

Finding Hope With Faithful Friends

God has truly blessed us with good friends during our time in KL. One group of such friends is our SIBKL cell group, who are aptly named Faithful Friends.

Because faithful friends they truly are.

I was feeling pretty out of it since my biopsy on Tuesday. Disconnected and disinterested with things. Overall just down and depressed. I was also nursing a bad headache and just wanted to shut out the world and go to bed by 8pm.

But Faithful Friends core group asked for a Zoom call to pray with us tonight at 9pm so... paiseh ma. People ask to pray for you then you reject – how can right?? So I ma said, ok lor. Just out of obligation and paiseh-ness. 😅

But deep down in my heart,

I was actually dragging my tiny little ticker feet

over having to "meet" people and tired of having to

verbalise my sad sob situation all over again. 😣

It started with me explaining what was going on to the cosy group of 9 leaders, with The Husband by my side. When asked how I felt, I confessed aloud for the very first time – I feel... less hopeful this time around. 😔 #letsbehonest

They listened quietly.

Then one by one,

they took turns to uphold us in prayer.

Some cried, I cried. It was a real sob fest when we started. 😂 But midway through, the spirit shifted. The heaviness lifted. God spoke to me through his people and I was reminded to be happy. And joyful. And to fill myself with laughter instead of sadness.


The Zoom call ended on a high note. My head was still pounding... but my spirit was lifted from the outpouring of love and care from these people who – to be honest – are no longer obligated to shepherd and care for us, now that we've left KL. Our cell leader even told us:

"You see la. I ask everybody for core meeting,

everybody say tonight cannot. Suddenly I said,

"Core, let's pray for Pam," everybody is online."

LOL.

I feel so fortunate and grateful to have friends who will rally around me like this in times when I am weak and my spirit is downcast. Truly, I am blessed. ❤️

Photo taken during our KL farewell organised by Faithful Friends

@ Italia & Ribs, Plaza Damas on 20 July 2019.

A lululemon Surprise

Got me a delivery today. And it wasn't sent to my home, but to KRPG. 🤔 I wondered why since I'd not bought anything and sent them to the office in a long, long time – not since the first round of MCO. More surprisingly though, the delivery was from Hong Kong! #curiouserandcuriouser

Turned it over to check out the receiver information

and the name was really mine. How strange!

And then I saw it...

😱😱😱

l-l-l-lululemon?! No way!

But heck! I was holding the parcel in my hands! That would make any sane woman doubt herself. And so, I did. Like, waiiiitttt... 🤔 Takkan my chemo brain so bad until I shop online from 5-star celebrity sportswear store without even remembering anything at all??? 😬 #chemobrainisreal

Ripped it open when I got home and discovered that,

although I was the receiver, the sender was Irene!

Aww, this sweetheart!!!

I sent her a small care package to motivate her

to chase and achieve her dreams at the end of October.

Mana tau, this woman go and gift me balik in good measure,

pressed down, shaken together and running over. 🥰 (Luke 6:38)

This next part is just for my own memory's sake so please feel free to just scroll on by while two crazy 30-something-year-old aunties talk nonsense. 🙈🙉🙊 

Yup, will try it on and let her know how it goes

when I pop my lululemon cherry! 🍋🍒 #girltalk

I’ve been hearing fantastic things about this brand of sportswear from my exercise-crazy friends in KL for years now. It seems to be all the rage for those who're really into the "fashionable" active lifestyle. (Read: Yoga, Flycycle, Pilates, etc.) I've even participated in gifting a set of their clothing to Kara for her birthday together with the other #ChilternMoms a few years ago. But me, myself? I balked at the price of a simple pair of yoga pants and never bothered finding out more or even visiting the store though it was just minutes from my home in KL. Haha. Now, I can’t wait to try it for myself now to see what the hype is all about!

Wheee! My first lululemon! 🍋🍋🍋

Hoping For Hope

It's been a difficult couple of days. I feel like I'm doing okay – all things considered – but not okay at the same time. I'm doing everything I need to do, saying everything I need to say, and smiling when I need to smile with everyone around me but, inside... my heart is heavy.

Why?

Because I find it hard to see my future now. I no longer believe without a doubt that I'll grow old with my husband. I worry I won't be alive long enough to see my kids grow up. I wonder if I'll go down the same path as those who fought the good fight and died anyway. 😢 

It was never like this before.

Even after Cancer marked me for the first time last August, I remember feeling positive about my outcome. I knew it was early-stage cancer. I knew the prognosis was good. I felt like it was a cold Winter that would eventually pass. I was going to beat the odds and come out of this stronger than before. 

But it's not the same this time around.

I feel down. Desolate. Depressed. Honestly, I feel less hopeful. 😔 It feels like I escaped Death once already. How many times can I escape it again and again as it claws at me? How many times can I outrun this disease? How many times will my life be spared? Will it ever let me go?

So many questions crowd my mind.

And none of the answers, I like.

Happy Food

I need me some happy food

after being shot in the boob three times.

Back in the day, it would have been a McDonald's Double Cheeseburger (Plain) Value Meal. Up till mid-2019, it would have been a zesty, greasy Coke & Fries combo at Plan B, Publika. Today, it's this:

Cheesy Quesadillas @ Kafka.

A VEGETARIAN quesadilla with a side of salad, no less! But I still have more growing up to do la. It's still greasy and I left more than half that salad. Haha. Give me some time, ok. Bagi chan a bit please. 

Keith Kee "Lady in Pink" Limited Edition Masks From MODA "Pink Merchandise" 2020

#PinkOctober has taken on more meaning now that I'm a survivor. Last year, I lusted after the pretty pink broaches they were selling to raise funds and bring awareness to breast cancer through #BAZAARPinkProject2019 but didn't end up getting one because... well, I just couldn't be bothered to try while undergoing chemo. Tired la. 😪 

This year, however, is a different story.

Malaysian Official Designers Association (MODA) has partnered with Estée Lauder for its Breast Cancer Awareness 2020 project and 20 "Pink Merchandise" by 16 local designers have been launched. 

The designers involved in this project are Ashley@kapas, Brian Khoo, Celest Thoi, Chee of GOCHEEKS, Double U by Jimmy Wong, Ellie Lim, Keith Kee, Key Ng, Kit Woo, Leslie Variyan, Lue Syn, Melinda Looi, Melson Kuala Lumpur, Stephanie van Dalen, Styled by Peter Lum and YULEZA by YouSheng. 

The concept is really interesting this time around as these items are sold in Campells Soup cans in eight vending machines that are located in five shopping malls – namely, Pavilion KL, MidValley Megamall, Sunway Pyramid, Avenue K, and MidValley Southkey in JB.

Why no Penang malls??? 😩 

Penang got survivors, too, maaaa...

Thank goodness last year, I happened to get to know Keith Kee through a mutual friend. 🥳😏🤓 So I got in touch with him and he so very kindly got his team to help me buy me his "Lady in Pink" masks! Collected them from Keith Kee Couture today. You see, you see... 🤩

Such pretty shades of pink! 😍

Based on what I can see on their FB page, it looks like "Pink Merchandise" sales via vending machines in those aforementioned malls have been extended until 15 November 2020 so, it's not too late to get your hands on these designer items that Breast Cancer Awareness, too! 

Prices are RM30 or RM50 per item and a whopping 80% of all sales will be donated to four organisations, namely the Breast Cancer Welfare Association of Malaysia, Cancer Research Malaysia, College of Radiology Malaysia and National Cancer Society of Malaysia. Go support, kays!

Biopsy #2 – Done & Dusted

LA + three shots into the boob. Ouch.

Now, to wait. Again. 😞

Mai Kek Sim, Ciak Ais Krim

So, they spotted a new lump in my CT scan. 🥺💔 Biopsy is set for tomorrow morning. Yup, we don't waste any time waiting around. We move fast and we get things done. With cancer, it's always chop chop, people. Sigh. I feel numb and sien. I know I shouldn't, but heck it la. It's time for some ice cream.

The Worst Part...

...is the waiting.

Got a call from the hospital while I was on the way back. 😥 I don't like how I feel about that. No news is always good news. Calls from the hospital? Usually not so good. 😓 Why are they in such a rush for me to be back? What do they have to say to me that can't wait all of 5 minutes? What was in the report? What is wrong? Is something wrong? 🥺😢😭

Pink October 2020 @ Gleneagles Hospital, Penang

During my final Herceptin immunotherapy IV back in end-August, I was asked to contribute a hand print and an uplifting message to spur my fellow survivors on this #PinkOctober Well, today, I saw it up at the hospital for the first time and it just occurred to me that I HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE HOSPITAL IN ALMOST 2 MONTHS! Shocker. Haha. Can't believe that I used to have to go in every 3 weeks or less, for a whole year and three weeks – that's 1 August 2019 (my first appointment with the Breast Surgeon to assess the lump) through to 25 August 2020 (my last Herceptin IV). Felt endlessly long at the time but... Time does fly by.

 

I'm back because I have my scheduled monthly CT scan again today. Didn't want to get my line put in by the folks at the Imaging Department cos I've had some painful misses there before. 😣 So, I hopped on up to Level 4 and got my line put in by the nice folks at the chemo wing. Haha. 

You see la. So pro. Even give me hot water baggie

to help plump up my veins so that they can insert

a CT-friendly (read: BIGGER) needle.

p/s: More on that orange baggie later.

Hi, Fitri! We meet again!

Ouch.

Done. Going back down to the Imaging Department to wait for my CT.

Got changed, gulped down my CT cocktail, then sat down to wait.

And wait and wait and wait.

It took so long for them to get my blood-work results this time around. Not sure why. I ended up waiting the whole morning away in that green gown. Results out later so I'll be going back to the hospital again after this. On a happier note... 

FREEBIES sempena Pink October 2020! 

The chemo staff so very kindly kept my goodie bag and passed it to me when I happened to go to the 4th floor to get my line in today. (The orange baggie seen in my hot water pouch pic above!) Contributors were supposed to come back to the hospital to collect these but... aiya lazy lah. Also didn't wanna risk the additional exposure to potential germs at the hospital, so I just didn't bother. But thanks to these kind nurses, I got my goodies anyway. Wheee! 🎁🎉🌈

My favourite of all the goodies.

#PinkOctober #BreastCancerSurvivor

Star(s) of the Week

I'm the Star of the Week!

Aww... JZ got one, too!

Both certificates and angpows, courtesy of JJ. ❤️

(We received some KidZania currencies. 🤣)

What It Means To Be A Brother

The boys don't always go poopy at the same time but if and when they do, they always, always, always talk to each other while they poop. 🙄🤭 (More like shout at each other from different bathrooms across the corridor. 🙉) I suppose it helps them feel like they're together so they're less afraid about being in the bathroom alone. 🤷‍♀️ 

But even when they don't poop together, it's become quite the norm that one patiently waits for the other in the room. Today, was such a day. Nothing surprising there. But then suddenly, I overheard this conversation between the brothers that made my heart swell with pride and joy. 

JZ: *from inside the bathroom* Di? Are you there? (Checking to make sure that he's not alone.)

JJ: *without hesitance* I'm always with you. Because you're my brother what.

JZ: Thank you, Di.

I snuck into the stinky room to capture

this shot of JJ waiting for JZ.

It takes a real brother to selflessly stand outside your open toilet door while you poop with the fan off and all the windows closed. And an even better brother reassures you that he'll always be there... even when it stinks. 🙊💩 If this isn't the true meaning of #brotherlylove, I don't know what is. 

Designing Brand Identity By Alina Wheeler

Eight pages in and I'm loving this book so far. 👍

I'm learning lots and it feels good to update my knowledge after being away from actively immersing myself in the advertising / marketing / branding industry for awhile. (Freelance Copywriting doesn't really make me feel like I'm a part of the creative community, if you ask me. No agency life, no kick la. 😆)


Sometimes I can't believe that I'd sidelined my career and have actually dedicated almost eight years of my life to motherhood. I guess when you're busy, you really don't have time to check the clock (or the calendar. 😆) But I must admit – while focusing on growing and nurturing my little family is fulfilling in its own way, I do miss the excitement, pace and buzz of agency life. 

But jumping back into the game after so long seemed like an uphill task. I felt like the extent of my knowledge was a decade behind time. And although I think I've got a good gut for these things and am quick enough on my feet to adapt to the changes that have taken place, I still wanted the data, the methodologies and the tried-and-tested, proven-to-work processes industry experts have come up with over the years to steer and guide our community.

That's where Wheeler comes in.

And so the studying begins...

You know, I once considered taking a Masters or a second degree in Psychology. Many years back circa 2007. Or was it 2010? Hmmm. My memory fails me. #chemobrain Anyway, fast-forward to life after kids and I eventually stopped seeing myself going back to school, be it part time or full time. Just... no, thank you; I'm done. 😅 

But now, I think I was looking at the whole idea of studying wrongly. You see, I still don't think I'm cut out for a life of cramming for tests and rushing assignments at this point in my life. But gaining knowledge is a lifelong process. And self improvement through lifelong learning appeals to me greatly. Also, the subject of BRANDING very much relates to my previous field of study and interest.

And that's why I'm actually happy doing this.

 

Notes I took from key learnings gained from

Designing Brand Identity By Alina Wheeler, Pages 1-8.

Guai guai sit down thak chek. 🤓

Notes From @kenny.kenray's 1st Live Interview On Instagram

Check out his IG account here!

It's been awhile since I've doodled. 😊

I used to take sermon notes this way back in the day before smartphones and online sermons. Not sure where those notebooks have gone though. 🤔 They somehow got lost in my many moves around Penang, Selangor and KL. 😢 

Anyway, it felt really good to use my hands again

and go back to exercising my creative muscles. 💪

Homeschooling Round 2, Day 1

We decided to divide and conquer. The Husband got JZ and I got JJ. Armed with the workbooks we bought during the MCO, I was prepared for JJ to breeze through the pages considering it was one year below his current year group. 

But of course, with my son,

that's wishful thinking. 🙄

These were the questions...

QUESTION 1: Tina collected ________ buttons.

I think the question is pretty straight forward and the answer is equally as clear. Year 1 confirm can answer, right? Shouldn't be a problem, right? Just count buttons only, right?? Easy-peasy lemon squeasy, right??

HAH! WRONG.

Pam Song: So Tina collected how many buttons? 

JJ: *confidently* A LOT! 

Pam Song: 😳 

JJ: Fully!

Pam Song: 🤔  

JJ: *hesitantly* Uh... Many? 

Pam Song: 🤯 Eh, what "many"?? You think you doing English issit?? 🤦‍♀️

          

JJ desperately trying to justify his answers.

Can I send the kids back to school ah? 🤣

Back To Homeschooling

As COVID-19 numbers rise nationwide, our family has decided to return to a state of self-imposed semi-lockdown. 😩 At least for a week or two until the curve flattens. Or until people freak out enough to really start practicing the SOPs that have been put in place to keep us safe, like proper mask-wearing and adequate social-distancing. 😒

As such, after much debate, discussion and deliberation between The Husband and I, we finally sent an email to JZ and JJ's teachers informing them that the boys will be absent from school for awhile. That effectively means that it's back to homeschooling for us. Sigh. 😩 

Parenting is already hard as it is la. Top that with teaching your own kid and maintaining some semblance of structure, order and routine in the home where there are comfy beds, cool gadgets and boys toys aplenty... well, that's a real challenge. And experience dictates that just staying within the four walls of home gets increasingly difficult as the days go by. 

Really all the best to us la. 😅 

#homeschoolingsucks

Kids These Days

Some days, it feels like JZ is seven going on 18. The things he says these days frequently makes me go 🤨 and his response sometimes causes me to go 🤯 Like, who is this kid?! Seriously.

Today, I realised that it's not just him.

It's a whole generation of kids who are maturing much more quickly than kids my day did. Teenage primary-schoolers. 🤯 Kids infinitely more worldly than we ever were at seven. I mean, look what JZ brought home from school today!! 👀

Mystery love letters?? 💌 You gotta be kidding me.

Dude and his classmates are SEVEN ok!!
What are they teaching these kids in school!?

Walking The Gardens In A Post-COVID-19 Era

Hi hi! This picture of JJ and I from this afternoon's walk was so very easy to post. Already naturally blog-friendly and pre-censored. HAHA. 😎😷

I tell you, I really dunno whether to laugh or to cry la with this #newnormal – haih. Dah lah, I hate exercise. Now, have to bungkus up half the face to meet SOP lagi. So, end up become super-duper, extra, maximum hot and cannot breathe. Really beh tahan. 🥵

But Penang Botanical Gardens remains as green, grand and glorious as ever. I wish I could say that the grounds were as people-free as seen in this picture but... no such luck, mates. Even at 3-something, it was already teeming with sweaty folk 🤭 all desperately trying to cepat-cepat clock in their exercise time before the real crowd arrives a little later in the evening. I just very clever to sim sim (that’s Cantonese for dodge or avoid) take photo. 😆

Run, my children!

Run wild and free!

Solar flare! 🌈 

I totally kena conned by the weather today la. It really looked like it was going to be cool and windy when we were still at home but nooooo... tipu wan. So damn hot. 🔥🔥🔥  If I knew it was going to be such a sauna, I wouldn't have suggested this for exercise in the first place. 🤐

Latest Posts

This post will be pegged to the top of the blog for the time being. Just cos I've been jumping here and there playing catch-up with my postings, doing some backdating and... Mee cannot follow. 😅😂🤣

* Latest written posts on top.

1. Tea Exchange Programme [SATURDAY, MARCH 07, 2020]
2. My First Time Cold Brewing Tea [FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2020]
3. Ass Vs S [SATURDAY, OCTOBER 03, 2020] 
4. Being Six, Now And Then [FRIDAY, OCTOBER 02, 2020] 
5. A Peaceful, Misty Morning [FRIDAY, OCTOBER 02, 2020] 
6. Chrysanthemum Tea From Miaoli (苗栗南庄), Taiwan [THURSDAY, OCTOBER 01, 2020] 
7. Lunch With Tina @ Kafka, Penang [THURSDAY, OCTOBER 01, 2020]
8. Stepping Out In Penang @ Urban Daybreak [THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2020] 
9. Fingerprint Cracks [MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2020] 
10. Trying Out A New Parenting Hack [SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2020] 
11. Storytime With Kong Kong – The Kampung Boy From Kedah [SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2020]
12. Things That Matter More [SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2020] 
13. Lau Gin Na: When Mommies Die... Or Don't They? [THURSDAY, AUGUST 13, 2020]
14. Lau Gin Na: It's All In The Name [TUESDAY, JULY 14, 2020]
15. Lasagne Vs Lazada [THURSDAY, AUGUST 13, 2020]
16. Dr Teh Vs Bak Kut Teh [THURSDAY, AUGUST 13, 2020]
17. How Old Are You And Yours? [SATURDAY, JULY 11, 2020]

Ass Vs S

I was in my study getting some work done when I heard this very loud, one-sided conversation take place between the boys who were outside in the living room. 

JJ: Kor Kor, can you move there?

JZ: *no response*

JJ: Kor kor, I said. Move there.

JZ: No. 

JJ: KOR KOR! MOVE THERE!!

JZ: HAIH!

JJ: Oh nooOOooOo!! My ass!!!

Pam Song: 😳 Wait. What!?

I mad-dashed out of the room, all ready to swoop in and whoop some butt / spank some tushy / beat some a** cos ain't no child of mine's gonna be sayin the A-word at six. 😡 So I got there and...

Ohhh... His S. 😅😂

Being Six, Now And Then

I grew up being that kid. The one who followed her parents to work and hung out at the office from after-school till sundown. Yep, my family did the whole take-your-child-to-work-day thing waaaay before it was even cool to do so. 😄 And not just on the fourth Thursday in April, mind you. It was all day err day. 

See, my nuclear family lived on our own without grandparent help from the time I was seven, and we didn't have a hired helper around to help watch me. So, it was go to work with Mee and Dee... or stay home alone. (I was an only child and as such, didn't have siblings for company. Haha. #foreveralone) 

Thing is, I find myself somewhat in the same situation now – my two kids are six and eight, our living situation does not include extended family members, and we no longer have a live-in helper to help around with the kids and house either. We're happy with how things are at home. But juggling the kids when it comes to work can be a little tricky. 

So, today, I brought JJ to the office with me for the first time.

I was prepared to have to entertain him a little but, to my surprise, he occupied himself and was happy just being there. And it warmed my heart when I came down from a meeting with "The Boss" a.k.a Dee, and saw him sitting at my seat just doodling away. Exactly 30 years ago, I was also six and doing exactly this! Whiling my time away while my parents made a living at KRPG!

The aunties and uncles who worked at the KRPG in the two decades circa the years of 1990 through 2010 were like my extended family. And they were so very welcoming and kind. They fed me, entertained me, and helped raise me in the same way they say it takes a village to raise a child. I was blessed by their love, care and attention, and never once felt alone, lonely or neglected, despite being an only child.

Of course, the current team is very different. The nice aunties and uncles in the company have mostly moved on, and younger staff whom I have yet to bond with have taken their place. Once, I was the kiddo in the company; today, I feel old just looking at these newbies! And if I'm really being honest with myself, I am now the aunty. 🤦‍♀️😅🙆‍♀️ 

How quickly time flies, doesn't it? 30 years have come and gone in the blink of an eye. One moment I was six, and now my younger kid is the one who's six! Gosh. I guess we've come full circle a whole generation later. 🙃 I really hope JZ and JJ will grow up with as much fondness toward KRPG as I did.