Year-End Holidays

...make me blue.

I guess it's all that extra time I've got on my hands. I'm not used to it. My brain's obstinately refusing to idle and is looking for things to digest and dissect. And it sucks that, of all things, it's chosen to start gnawing at the pathetic state of my personal life. Or rather, my lack of a personal life to begin with.

Sigh.

Maybe I shouldn't have taken leave at all.

I mean, I know I fought hard for all four days of it so I'd get 10 work-free days. But now, I'm actually semi-glad I only got 2 working days off. (Sorry, Mee and Dee, it's not you, it's me.) Am actually kinda looking forward to going back to work. At least it'll help take my mind off this crap.


Or maybe it's not the work and it's just cos KL moves at a faster pace than Penang does. And although that's a bad thing most of the time (hell knows I complain about it a lot), maybe it's what's best for me at this point in my life. I mean, it's not like I've got anyone or anything to spend all that extra time on anyways. Might as well put it to good use where I'm wanted and needed. Might as well work my days (and nights) away.


But ahh, I dunno. Maybe I'm wrong about all that, too. Maybe I'm already burnt out and what I really need is a change of environment. Something that'll turn things around and make me feel less blah about life. Maybe Penang is the place for me. Hmmm...

But – scary thought – what if it isn't?

I mean, I can totally see myself happily raising a family of my own on this island I grew up in but... to work? I can't say I'm sure that I'll be happier here than I am in KL. What if I move and I find myself worse off cos I can't get used to the pace or the working environment?

And what about the friendships
I've discovered, built and cultivated in KL?

I've pretty much lost touch with most friends in Penang save for a few stray ones I kept since highschool. The others are already down in KL or are happily pursuing their careers in every other part of the world. So the potential problem that could arrive would be this: What if I come back and discover that I miss my social support group in KL?

But as much as I say that I'll miss the people I've grown to love and cherish in KL, a big part of me just wants to up and run away. Far, far away. To be on the go, in search of fresh prospects. For a clean start. A brand new beginning. Not having to deal with the things, thoughts and people who pull me down, rip my self-esteem to shreds and try to suffocate me emotionally.

Ugh.

As you can probably tell by now,
my head's messed up big time.

It just feels like growing up has taken its toll on me. I feel jaded. And burnt out. On so many levels. I need to find my center. Rediscover my zest for life. Learn to love again. I don't know what it is that I want exactly. All I know is that, at the end of the day, it's gotta spell H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S or else, it's just not good enough. Cos cuilin is right. I deserve the best.

Sigh. I look back at 2009 and I can't say that I'm ecstatic over what I see. So, I look toward 2010. But even then, it looks bleak cos all I see is a long, lonely road ahead. Blah. Can't wait for that journey to begin. -_-