Thursday, September 29, 2011

Silence Isn't Golden

All through September, I've been in and out of the hospital enough times to last me a lifetime. I've been checked, poked and prodded more times than I can count. And all that checking, poking and prodding? It's starting to wear me down, tire me out, and tear at my resolve. 


I'm tired. I'm tired of this journey I've been on. Tired of pretending that everything's alright all the time. Tired of looking fine and acting tough. But most of all, I'm tired of going through all of this pain, heartache and suffering alone and on my own.


I've been told to keep the main reason for my hospitalisation a secret from a great majority of the people around me. Even you guys. Hence the inadvertent mystery surrounding the matter. If left to my own devices, I'd probably have cued you in on what was really going on from the start. But it's not just me anymore so I'm not the only one with a say on what gets said.


Thing is, receiving Duh Roads' bouquet yesterday made me realise just how important emotional support from friends truly is for the unwell. And I've been missing out on it all this time because of the secrecy surrounding this issue! Sigh. This really is the first time I've ever felt so alone in facing a problem of this magnitude. If only I could share; if only you knew.


Girls often find the need to talk their worries away. Unfortunately for me, save for a few good friends who were told the truth of the matter, many of my other friends are still kept out of the loop and in the dark. But whatever. To go back to the crux of the matter, it really isn't just about the talking and the ranting and the sharing to get things off my chest. Sure, that helps some; but it's not enough.


Personally, I think the real problem with keeping mum about surgeries, medical complications and hospitalisations, is that nobody really knows what's wrong with you or what you're going through. So nobody cares. Or rather, nobody gets to care. Because of that, the potential for emotional support dwindles. And without that, the healing process just naturally becomes a really lonely ride to be on. ='(

12 comments :

nithyakuthiah said...

Song. There's no need to put up a tough front for anyone's sake. If things are not okay, they are not okay. Take all the time you need to come out of it. We'll be here. :)
*thousandgazzillionhugsnadkisses*

Aivlysm69 said...

Aww babe.. I know we aren't really close but you know, if you're all lonely and such I can borrow you my Ipad. It's full of pdf magazines. Haha. Since I live near you. I don't know if you remember who I am since I'm not using my real name :) Anyway I wish you a speedy recovery! Will be praying for you! *hugs*

Melissa said...

I get what you're feeling, babe. Am here for you, always. My treat when I get back in October. Hugs and love. :)

Pam Song said...

ATTN: nithyakuthiah
– Wah! You changed your username! Haha.

And aiya babe, you don't understand. I can be more open and honest here on Tinki Talks but... I can't exactly walk around the house pouting or lock myself in my room to cry, right? And that's what stifling. Pretending that everything's ok. ='(


ATTN: Aivlysm69
– Haha. Don't worry, babe. I remember your google ID. Plus, it's not that difficult to decipher your top secret username "code". =p

Awww, thanks for your prayers and the iPad offer! Appreciate it but I think my MBP will do for now. I've been trolling the net for laughs and watching old episodes of FRIENDS to occupy my time at night. =)


ATTN: Melissa
– Thanks, babe. See you in October. =)

Lissa said...

*hugs tight* Wish I could be there. :(

Pam Song said...

ATTN: Lissa
– Yeah, I wish the same, too. =(

Aivlysm69 said...

Yes, it's very obvious. Haha XD

Pam Song said...

ATTN: Aivlysm69
– Don't worry. I won't tell on you. =p

Zhen Ying said...

you're always in my prayers and in my mind although i can't be physically there for you *big teddy bear hugs*

Pam Song said...

ATTN: Zhen Ying
– Thanks, Gannie. Mish yew. *hugs back*

Lissa said...

During my next posting, I visit you in Penang, k? Then we'll go shopping and have girly chit chat. :)

Pam Song said...

ATTN: Lissa
– Sounds good to me. =)

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