Traumatised

*breathe in, breathe out*

Okay, this is not good. It is not good at all.

*breathe in, breathe out*

CUMMON PAM!!!
YOU CAN DO IT!

*clamps eyes shut and says sinner's prayer
about a hundred thousand times*

I'm not kidding. I really did that. And I'll bet you would too if you were where I was at the time I wrote this post.

Read on...

So here I am, sitting in Firefly flight F-something-something, which boarded at Gate 14 at the Penang International Airport... and I'm one step away from pissing my pants. Literally. And mind you, it's NOT that I didn't pee beforehand. It's NOT that I didn't plan ahead. And it's NOT that I didn't have foresight in the matter.

Before we begin, let's get one thing straight. I am NOT afraid of heights and I do NOT have a fear of flying. But let put it this way: things are just different with Firefly. You'll soon see why. Moving on.

Firstly, Firefly starts with an F because it means you have to walk Far Far to get to the plane. (Which, also means you have to walk Far Far to get out of no-man's-land and into a surprisingly un-deserted Terminal 3, Subang.) Sure, you exit at Gate 14. But that doesn't mean that Gate 14's where you board the plane. No no. You walk right onto some runway-platform-empty-space area where the plane is parked, and THEN you board the plane. Correction, you board some toy-ish looking plane.

It's small. Like very. Puny. Pathetically so.
They make school buses bigger than this plane I'm in.

13 rows altogether. 4 seats per row. That makes a total of 52 seats on flight. Plus 2 flight attendants. (Air Asia attendants are prettier and slimmer, if you must know. Nicer uniforms, too!) And 2 pilots. (I really hope it's 2.) That makes it a flight of 56 persons in total. Little phee sai (that's Hokkien for "booger", if you didn't know). Pfft. Child's play lah this one.


It's like riding the bus, actually. Except with less leg room and breathing space. When you first enter, the initial shock of being in such a cramped space for a whole hour takes a total of 10 minutes to get over... before sheer panic sets in. You see, there is no room for anything but seats. And once you're in those seats, there's no going anywhere. Not even if there was an emergency and you really, really had to run for your life. Picture this. When the stewardess stretched her arms to her sides to show us the emergency exits, she did it with her elbows at her sides. That's how small the plane is. So kia lang. For the first time, I paid close attention to the safety announcement made. Like my life depended on it, man. (This time really life depending on it di. Cannot siao siao. I very kiasi wan.)


Oh, and did I mention? The plane is super-uber-old-school. It uses propellers. IT USES PROPELLERS FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD!!! Like, hello!? Who the heck uses propellers these days!? Panic. And then summore this brilliant bozo seated next to me told me that he read somewhere that MAS finally found a way to recycle Malaysia's old war planes... DURING TAKE-OFF!!! Double, triple, quadruple panic. Heart almost stop. No joke.

*breathe in, breathe out*

How lah to tahan one hour in a plane liddat? Plus, the plane looked older than I am, man!? And I'm like freaking old now loh!!! Si liao lah zhi pai. I sket. Hair stand; leg shake; armpit sweat.

*breathe in, breathe out*

Oh, and another freaky thing was that I could see land the whole way through to my destination. Quite scary loh. Penang very bright at night = very happening place to live in. Ipoh very dark = not happening at all. KL's... well, KL's KL.

Anyhew, they passed us survey forms to complete whilst on board with questions like... Uh, questions like... Like... Hmmm. Tough one. I don't know the questions. I didn't read it, actually. HAHA. But that's besides the point. I WANTED to fill it in. I did. As did the guy seated next to me. But we, plane-using, high-flying people, are a generation of avid travelers who believe in the concept of traveling light, you see. *cough cough* And when I say light, I actually mean "without pens in our pockets." So what we did was ask Ms Stewardess in the signature orange and white uniform if she had a pen to lend us to fill in the survey forms SHE passed us. Guess what. MISS ORANGE-AND-WHITE-STEWARDESS-WOMAN TAK ADA PEN!!! Haiyo. What is the meaning of this lah. Fail. So fail.


All in all, I'd say that Firefly is not for the faint-hearted. Pregnant women, the elderly and passengers with heart problems are advised to kick up big fusses and insist that they get to take a ride in REAL planes cos MAS' baby brother is obviously not old enough to fly.


Take my advice. You'd do well by keeping far, far away from this one... unless you're from Penang and you're really, really kiasu – want fast fast, summore want cheap cheap – so much so that you're willing to jampi yourself into forgetting about being kiasi cos you're just so darn kiam siap.

Go, Firefly. Whoop-dee-doo.