A Full Life & A Free Wax

Catheter out yesterday. Peeing came naturally – thank God. (I've had previous experiences where peeing is hard work after being catheterised. 😅) Went to the bathroom a few times but didn't bother looking at myself. Finally looked at my face in the mirror today. Almost fainted.

Thank you medical professionals for saving my life...

...and for waxing 10% of my eyebrow off. 🤨

Bo mor, bo pian la. Teng mia tu ho. 😅
(That's Hokkien for "No hair, nothing you can do la. A long life is enough.")

Hooked Up Right, Left & Center!

Finally got my fuzzy wraps, catheter and drip removed. Big hurrah even though the line on my left hand is to be kept in till I'm discharged. BUT. THAT'S. OK! Cos earlier, I was hooked up to so many things, I could barely move! So this is a very welcomed improvement. On a whole, I’m finally feeling more human and less bionic woman today. 

Me and my three drains to remove excess fluids from my insides.

My plastics doctor calls these my "medallions". 🏅🏅🏅 LOL.

On a separate note...

#crazyhairdontcare 💁‍♀️

Earlier, I had both arms and both legs all wrapped up in what looked like quilt stuffing, a drip on my left hand, a catheter between my legs, three drains coming out from my upper body (one from each boob and one from my right pit)... *deep breath* ...and both my legs (knees down to my ankles) wrapped up in the adjustable attachments of a machine called the VenaFlow® system, which helps with my circulation while I'm not moving. 😅

La familia.

The doctors expect me to be hospitalised for a week. But just a day post surgery and I'm down to the three drains + the line on my left hand (for antibiotics and emergencies) + the VenaFlow® system at night during bedtime so... I'm liking my odds! Slowly slowly la. We're getting there, Pam. We're getting there! 💪💪💪

All Wrapped Up Like A Fuzzy Bunny

 

Looks all warm and cosy but it's actually

quite itchy once the body warms up. 😅

Having said that, I'm finally properly awake post-surgery and I just (barely) survived what felt like the worst night of my life. 😖  Can't deal with much screen time right now, plus every bit of me is hooked up to some tube or another so... story you guys later la, okay. Bottom line is... surgery's over and I'm alive! Hurrah!

Ready, Steady...

Was woken up at the ungodly hour of 5am today for another pre-surgery anti-microbial shower. *groans* Am soooo tired, it's not even funny. 😣

Right now, I'm just sitting around waiting for another drawing session, this time by my Breast Surgeon. (Yesterday's drawing was by the Plastic Surgeon.) Am totally torn between dreading the surgery and looking forward to my upcoming "best nap ever" in a little less than 2 hours. LOL.

Ready and waiting!

Roommates!!!

Not a fan of spending the night alone in the hospital so...

I got me a roommate for the week!

Me and Mee.

Bedtime Messenger Calls With The Boys

Having some FB Messenger fun with the boys

before they head off to bed. #thankGodfortechnology

Ugly faces galore! Wheeee!!!

Hang Up The Phone?

So there I am, sitting down just chilling out alone in my hospital room, on my hospital bed, when I look at my phone and realise I missed JJ's video call. Tried calling him back but couldn't. That's when this chat ensued.

And this is how you know you're old. 😅

Having said that, I'm really glad that both boys are now able to read and write. And that they have their own Messenger Kids accounts to text and call us anytime. Loving this aspect of modern technology. Especially now that I'll be away from home for awhile.

All Settled In

You know you're officially one of the gang

when you've been tagged. LOL.

On another note, tea has arrived! But I'm not having any of it. The barley is cold and there's ham in the sandwich. I usually love ham and cheese sandwiches but since I've started reducing my intake of processed meats, Imma skip this and save my sin quota for BACON! 🥓😈 

Mandi Bunga Cara Moden 🌸

With this. LOL.

 octenisan® wash lotion – hypoallergenic antimicrobial hair

and body wash that I used from my head to my toes. 🧖‍♀️

Am dressed in my electric blue hospital gown now (as seen in the reflection) and will just be lounging on the hospital bed ala Miss Rose from Titanic. You know, while waiting for someone to draw me. 😏😂

Cuti-Cuti Malaysia

Sort of. 🤣

Patient toiletries plus the latest in hospital fashion. 💃

And so my hotel stay begins. 🙆‍♀️

This is gonna home for the next 7 days

at the very least. Might as well get comfy.

My bedside drawer stuffed with all my kachang.

Didn't bother packing a fully-equipped toiletry bag cos I probably won't use anything other than my toothbrush and toothpaste anyway. Was informed that I'm to take a antimicrobial bath later today. Then I doubt I'll be doing any showering post-op. So... yeah. No need toiletry bag la. #packinglight Also, I doubt I'll have any visitors anyway. #sadbuttrue Hence, look like crap also nevermind la! Hahaha. 

Oh, Hello There!

Dear Gleneagles patient file,

We meet again. Please bagi chan

and don't grow so much this round, ok? 😅

XOXO,

Me.

This file contains pretty much every detail of my medical history since my birth on 21 November 1984. Yup, it has all the details of my birth in it, too, cos I was born in this hospital! 36 years of history all lumped together in a paper pile. Haha. Just look at that, man. Can you imagine how much I've spent on medical bills??? 💸💸💸 Can go ciak hong in Japan for a year liao lor... 😅

D-Day, On The Way!

Empty streets all the way to the hospital

cos everybody kiasi Coronavirus. LOL.

God Speaks

In the early days that we discovered this new mass, The Husband and I decided to embark on some couple scripture reading. Meaning, we both read the same books in the Bible – he suggested Psalms and Matthew – but not necessarily sit down and read it together at the same time. I agreed. I followed the plan as diligently as I could. If I missed a day, I made up for it the day after. I didn't plan the timing of it all, and I don't believe it's coincidence that this was tonight's chapter:

There is so much encouragement to be found in Psalm 16,

especially considering this is my last night at home, pre-surgery.

From His safety and refuge (i.e. a safe operation), to pleasant boundary lines (i.e. no spread of cancer beyond the DCIS), to not being abandoned in the realm of the dead (i.e. won't die on the operating table 😅), to no decay (i.e. the tissues and flaps will survive the op) – it all comforts me so.

Also, I somehow keep getting reminders to stay joyful as I journey along this narrow path. And I must admit, that as the days go by, it's getting easier and easier to smile and rejoice, in spite of all that is to come. 

Do I not fear the surgery? Sure I do. Do I not wonder if life will ever be the same again post-op? Of course! But I know that I have a good and faithful God whose plan for me is perfect. And though the journey is tough, He will never leave me nor forsake me. It is well. 

The Last Fun Fling

As fate would have it, the night before my admission at the hospital for surgery the following day, I discover my extreme sport of choice – rollerblading. LOL.

Wearing my nephew's rollerblades cos they fit my Size 36 feet!

Just two aunties forgetting they're old and just doing their thang.

We had so much fun rolling around in the porch while the men and daddies talked shop. Now I can't wait to get better from my surgery so I can get me a pair of roller blades from Decathlon and go rollerblading with the kids! #coolmom #coolaunt #bokiasi Now this is exercise I don't mind doing la! In fact, I enjoyed myself so much I impulse purchased a pair of skates each for the boys from Decathlon's online store on the spot. Early Christmas presents from The Husband and I – kautim! Haha!

A Love Letter From JJ 💌

JJ isn't really the verbally expressive kind when it comes to saying lovey-dovey stuff. He doesn't say "I love you" much – not even to me – and usually doesn't respond in kind when being told so by The Husband. 9 out of 10 times, the man's I-love-yous are met with silence from JJ. Haha. 😅 #sadcase

BUT... JJ does seem to enjoy sending written notes. 💌 He's given me many drawings, messages and texts over the years. They're usually pretty sweet, quirky and cute. He's got a good knack for colour-mixing and draws well. He also has very legible handwriting and is able to spell most easy words on his own. Those he cannot, he manages to wing it phonetically. Haha. #justpakaihentamonly

This was today's love letter...

Awww. 😍🥰

I know he'll grow up someday and when that time comes, it won't be cool writing Mommy love letters anymore. Some other lucky lady will probably be on the receiving end of these love notes, too. But I'm glad today is not that day. So I'll enjoy this moment. Because today, the son I love, loves me. My heart is full. ❤️ 

A Moustach-y Movember

Hahaha. 🤣🤣🤣

This boy never fails to crack me up!

#neveradullday

I can't decide if he looks more like

Hitler 😠 or Sherlock Holmes! 🧐 

A Royal Supper

I'm usually a Quaker Life cereal or General Mills Cheerios cereal kinda girl. But tonight, I'm having Kellogg’s Special K – Queen Elizabeth's favourite breakfast cereal – for supper. Why? Because The Husband did his googling a few of weeks ago and discovered that Her Majesty – the world's oldest, longest-living and longest-reigning monarch – eats this particular cereal for breakfast.

Wiki tells me that...

She is the longest-lived and longest-reigning British monarch. She is the longest-serving female head of state in world history, and the world's oldest living monarch, longest-reigning current monarch, and oldest and longest-serving current head of state. [Source]

And I don't know about how things are this year with this COVID-19 pandemic casting a dark cloud over 2020... but despite being 93-years-old, the Queen attended a whopping 295 engagements in 2019. 😱😱😱 At 93, ok!! Talk about living a long, active, productive and healthy life! She and Mahathir really can shake hand. #workaholicsunite

Anyhoo, I may not have perfect curls in white hair or paint my nails a pale shade of pink with Essie's Ballet Slippers, but what I can have is Kellogg’s Special K. Lai... Mai kong liao. Ciak!

First taste of Kellog's Special K cereal. It's not bad. Not bad at all.

Home Learning Like A Baws

You see? Duduk macam taukeh. 😅

Today we just discovered that JJ's actually in a Year 2 English Phonics class in spite of just being in the first term of Year 1. So proud of him! 👏 He's usually pretty chatty about the going-ons in school but he never mentioned this! And if not for home learning, we probably wouldn't have known either! So I guess home learning... got good got bad la hor. 😅 #consolingmyself #makingmyselffeelbetter

8.30am Zoom Class

No need to shower, no need to brush teeth.

Just wake up, log on and Zoom! 😁

Smiles all around cos it's only time

it's ok to be "in school" in pajamas. 🤗

Home Learning – It. Begins. AGAIN.

Yup. And so it begins AGAIN. JJ's jumping for joy. JZ, on the other hand, is upset that he won't be able to go to school and meet his friends face-to-face. Well, dear firstborn... I feel you. Mommy is sad, too!!! LOL! #notfunny *cries* 😭

Check out my appointments

and alerts for November 2020. 📆

Can you tell at a glance when

school online learning begins???

😩🥴😓

Looks like it's going to be a crazy closing to an equally crazy year. #madnessoverload Sigh. Year 2020, you really horrible la, you! 😠 #cantcatchabreak

New Hair, New Look, New Beginning

I initially planned on scarfing my way through chemo. But after telling the kids about my then-impending hair-loss one night, JZ cried buckets and begged me not to lose my hair. 😢 (JJ took it well. #bochup)

I gave it some thought and decided that this was one thing I couldn't be selfish about. Because he was a new kid in a new school, in a different state, at an impressionable age. I didn't want him to enter school with the stigma of being that kid – the one whose Mommy has no hair. 😔 It would shake his confidence and affect his friendships. I couldn't do that to him.

But wigs are crazy expensive.

And so is chemo + immuno. 😩💸

So when Mee offered to bless me with a good wig – yes, there are many types – I gratefully accepted. 🙏 I must admit that it's been the best investment so far. No regrets. Because, in hindsight, having a good wig really helped me integrate myself seamlessly in the kids' school as "Pam" instead of "that cancer mom with no hair", you know? #letsberealistic #thetruthhurts

I initially planned on wigging until my natural hair length either (1) was long enough for me to tie, or (2) matched my wig so the change in length would be unnoticeable during the switch – as it was when I started wigging. But... with my upcoming surgery and hospitalisation, I thought – heck it la. Let's just ripoff the bandaid and go natural since I won't be able to wig there anyways.

So... hi, guys! This is me with my new hair. 💁‍♀️ 

It's gonna be my first day out without a cap or wig

so... wish me and my frail confidence luck! 😬

Word In Season; Friend Indeed

Some people you don't know very long but end up bonding with very quickly. Sometimes it's because you're at the same stage of life, sometimes you're in similar situations, sometimes it's shared goals or interests... it can be anything and everything that sparks an instant friendship.

Have you had friends like that?

Like connection online and

channel just very flow liddat. ⚡️🔥

I find my friendship with Josephine somewhat like that. Even until now, I've only met her face to face like... I dunno, a dozen times max? But even then, conversation is easy and the friendship is relaxed. We're nowhere close in age – as she would like me to remember 😒 – but some days, it feels like I inherited a younger sister. (She knew my dad first.)

Before dinner together last night,

Dee pulled out a little purple pack

from his pocket and passed it to me.

Comforting words from Do It Again by Elevation Worship.

I recognise these stickers from Prince of Pins.

Inside?

Karangan panjang lebar (P&C) 🤓

+ a beautiful pin from Prince of Pins. 😍 

"God is within her, she will not fall.

God will help her at break of day."

– Psalm 46:5 (NIV)

Amen.

Thank God for good friends,

long messages and pretty pins. 🥰

The Hunt For A Double Scooter

A little over a week ago, the boys went to their friend's house for a playdate. There, one tried skateboarding for the first time, while the other tried double-scootering. After that one afternoon, there was nothing else I heard about for days. Skateboard-scooter fever was ON!

Decathlon was the suggested place for us to get a good quality skateboard. Unfortunately, it's sold out online and there ain't no Decathlon brick-and-mortar store on the island. 😩 #smalltownwoes So, it looks like JZ's gotta wait till Ah Ma and Ah Kong head down to KL. 

So, all I needed to get was a double scooter. And I have to get it ASAP cos I've got surgery coming! How to go scooter-hunting if I'm all bandaged up, right?? 🤕  Plus, I want the boys to be happily and adequately occupied while I'm in the hospital so they don't feel my absence. 😔 

The first place we went to had some double scooters but they were really old, faded and dusty. I wasn't going to spend a good hundred ringgit on that. The shop lady also said she didn't want to sell those scooters to us cos she said that they were old stock. 😅😂  #tautakpe

The second stop... BINGO!

*choir of angels sing*

Trying out the double scooter to decide if he wanted it.

After a few rounds of butt-shaking in-store,

JJ finally made his decision – "I want!"

After discount less than RM100. Not bad la. Can tekan brake summore. Plus, it was totally worth it after I saw how happy and excited he was. 😍 #happysonhappymom

It fit in the boot so I put it there.

But all the way home,

he occupied himself by playing

with the handles and brakes quietly.

 

And then, it got quieter...

I turned around to check on him and discovered that he had fallen asleep! 😴 Guess the excitement of the day wore him out. But even in sleep, he hung on to his new toy all the way home.

Another Day Spent Waiting At The Hospital

The view of the street from my OBGYN's waiting area.

...while the world just passes on by. #cancersucks

Day Off!

Celebrating one day where

I don’t have to go to the hospital

and I don’t have to stress about

deciding anything. Wheee! 🎉

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt like this. Haha. After 2 months of hospital-free days, these past 2 weeks have just been a whirlwind of crazy. Days filled with multiple appointments with multiple doctors for multiple reasons, which resulted in multiple visits to the hospital and a staggering amount of medical bills paid. Painful on the mind, the body and the pocket! 🤯💉💸

Check out my 1-month hospital diary. 📝

WEEK 1

MON 26/10: 6-month CT + Blood Test + Appointment with my Oncologist + Ultrasound + Appointment with my Breast Surgeon

TUE 27/10: Core Needle Biopsy + Appointment with my Breast Surgeon 

WED-FRI 28-30/10: Sit tight and stress. 😰

SAT 31/10: Appointment with my Breast Surgeon + Appointment with my Plastic Surgeon 

WEEK 2

MON 2/11: Appointment with my Breast Surgeon

TUE 3/11: Zoladex hormone therapy shot + Appointment with my Oncologist 

WED 4/11: Appointment with my Plastic Surgeon 

THU 5/11: DAY OFF! 🎉🎉🎉

FRI 6/11: Appointment with my OBGYN

WEEK 3

MON 9/11: Echocardiogram + Appointment with my Cardiologist 

TUE-FRI 10-13/11: Standby for pre-surgery Covid test 

WEEK 4

MON 16/11: D-Day! 🔪

TUES ONWARDS 17/11-?: My 2020 Gleneagles staycation 😂

Very happening hor? 😂😅

It’s been a long, tiring, and emotionally draining 2 weeks. But – in the words of my Plastic Surgeon – everything I‘ve been through is like kindergarten compared to what’s coming next. 😳 *gulp* So keep me in prayer, guys! I’ve got a heck of a ride coming up!! 🎢

Dressing Up For Zoladex 10.8mg

Got my new lululemon joggers on

and I'm feeling ready-steady to take on

my very-painful instant-menopausal-aunty shot. 💪

😂 

Blood pressure – check. Heart rate – check.

Painful subcutaneous shot into the tummy – check. 🥺

This is my first time taking Zoladex without any other IVs. Can't believe I've taken 9 of these shots so far. 6 x 3.6mg during chemo, and 3 x 10.8mg post-chemo because my aunty started to visit when she was supposed to stay away. 🙄🤐😒 Damn painful, ok. 😢 My whole belly is dotted with needle puncture scars right and left and it looks like I've got a bunch of faded moles scattered around. But... if it keeps cancer away, them scars are worth it la. #priorities

Now, to go home and prepare to feel

like I'm 35 going on 60. 👵

*groans*

Good News + Bad News

The good news is that the lump that was discovered is not considered a cancerous lump. Hooray! 🥳  #Godisgood The bad news is that it's a ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS), which is defined as a pre-cancer. Boo-hoo. 😞 #cancersucks Either way, it means that we'll have to proceed with surgery. How drastic and how major... well, that's up for discussion.

Time to do some research and pray for wisdom! 🙏 

Standing Outside Your Door

...waiting to know if I should laugh or cry. 😅 

This 4-day medical cliffhanger was no fun at all. Truly, The Wait is the worst part la, I tell you. Sitting around just stressing about the many possible scenarios that await me once I walk through those doors and say, "Hi, Doctor." Ugh. Really can go crazy just thinking and thinking while being none the wiser.

Thank goodness I've got some company today. 🥰

We're planning on finishing The Queen's Gambit while we wait!

His Mercies Are New Every Morning

Great is His faithfulness. 🙏

-----------

I was hoping to get an early callback from my Breast Surgeon yesterday with my biopsy results. But the only one who called was a J&T Express delivery man who set The Husband's heart racing. 😅😂 Guess I will be keeping my Saturday morning appointment after all.

Having said that, I'm feeling a lot better about things today. His Word tells me that all things will work together for good. So why should I fear or be weary, and face the day with dread and sorrow? Have a great day, guys! I will, too! 🌅 

Finding Hope With Faithful Friends

God has truly blessed us with good friends during our time in KL. One group of such friends is our SIBKL cell group, who are aptly named Faithful Friends.

Because faithful friends they truly are.

I was feeling pretty out of it since my biopsy on Tuesday. Disconnected and disinterested with things. Overall just down and depressed. I was also nursing a bad headache and just wanted to shut out the world and go to bed by 8pm.

But Faithful Friends core group asked for a Zoom call to pray with us tonight at 9pm so... paiseh ma. People ask to pray for you then you reject – how can right?? So I ma said, ok lor. Just out of obligation and paiseh-ness. 😅

But deep down in my heart,

I was actually dragging my tiny little ticker feet

over having to "meet" people and tired of having to

verbalise my sad sob situation all over again. 😣

It started with me explaining what was going on to the cosy group of 9 leaders, with The Husband by my side. When asked how I felt, I confessed aloud for the very first time – I feel... less hopeful this time around. 😔 #letsbehonest

They listened quietly.

Then one by one,

they took turns to uphold us in prayer.

Some cried, I cried. It was a real sob fest when we started. 😂 But midway through, the spirit shifted. The heaviness lifted. God spoke to me through his people and I was reminded to be happy. And joyful. And to fill myself with laughter instead of sadness.


The Zoom call ended on a high note. My head was still pounding... but my spirit was lifted from the outpouring of love and care from these people who – to be honest – are no longer obligated to shepherd and care for us, now that we've left KL. Our cell leader even told us:

"You see la. I ask everybody for core meeting,

everybody say tonight cannot. Suddenly I said,

"Core, let's pray for Pam," everybody is online."

LOL.

I feel so fortunate and grateful to have friends who will rally around me like this in times when I am weak and my spirit is downcast. Truly, I am blessed. ❤️

Photo taken during our KL farewell organised by Faithful Friends

@ Italia & Ribs, Plaza Damas on 20 July 2019.

A lululemon Surprise

Got me a delivery today. And it wasn't sent to my home, but to KRPG. 🤔 I wondered why since I'd not bought anything and sent them to the office in a long, long time – not since the first round of MCO. More surprisingly though, the delivery was from Hong Kong! #curiouserandcuriouser

Turned it over to check out the receiver information

and the name was really mine. How strange!

And then I saw it...

😱😱😱

l-l-l-lululemon?! No way!

But heck! I was holding the parcel in my hands! That would make any sane woman doubt herself. And so, I did. Like, waiiiitttt... 🤔 Takkan my chemo brain so bad until I shop online from 5-star celebrity sportswear store without even remembering anything at all??? 😬 #chemobrainisreal

Ripped it open when I got home and discovered that,

although I was the receiver, the sender was Irene!

Aww, this sweetheart!!!

I sent her a small care package to motivate her

to chase and achieve her dreams at the end of October.

Mana tau, this woman go and gift me balik in good measure,

pressed down, shaken together and running over. 🥰 (Luke 6:38)

This next part is just for my own memory's sake so please feel free to just scroll on by while two crazy 30-something-year-old aunties talk nonsense. 🙈🙉🙊 

Yup, will try it on and let her know how it goes

when I pop my lululemon cherry! 🍋🍒 #girltalk

I’ve been hearing fantastic things about this brand of sportswear from my exercise-crazy friends in KL for years now. It seems to be all the rage for those who're really into the "fashionable" active lifestyle. (Read: Yoga, Flycycle, Pilates, etc.) I've even participated in gifting a set of their clothing to Kara for her birthday together with the other #ChilternMoms a few years ago. But me, myself? I balked at the price of a simple pair of yoga pants and never bothered finding out more or even visiting the store though it was just minutes from my home in KL. Haha. Now, I can’t wait to try it for myself now to see what the hype is all about!

Wheee! My first lululemon! 🍋🍋🍋