A: Flight
It's always been that way with me. Particularly when it comes to my friendships, relationships and associations with others. (Bad, I know.) That is, of course, if no prior commitment (i.e. status = in a relationship / married) or tie (i.e. blood) binds me and those said persons together.
You see, I don't like relationship meltdowns, emotional dramas, b*tch fits and petty fights. In fact, I loathe the lot. I'd rather you gave me the death penalty. So, my MO whenever I find myself getting freaked out is to do a swift 180 and head for the first exit I see. Hup hup.
Sigh. Put it this way lah, okay. When I'm scared, I run. (Figuratively speaking, of course. I think I'd pancit if I really ran.) When I get jittery about the circumstances and situations I'm in, I run. When I'm doubtful or uncertain, I run. When I'm cornered, I claw my way out/bite off ears/rip off hair/scratch out eyes (pick one)... and run.
I've grown to become very fearful of the unknown. Of the things people claim to be but I do not yet see. Of skeletons (we've all got them, I'm sure) in closets. Of vague pasts, shady presents and untold futures. Of whatever may be, or worse... may not be.
I've forgotten what it means to take a leap of faith. I've forgotten how to jump with careless abandon. I've forgotten what it's like being able to trust in things I do not know. And to do the same with people I do not yet fully understand.
To be honest, I miss the thrill of leaping before I look. I do. Because back when being impulsive and wearing my heart on my sleeve came naturally to me, I was free. Free to feel. Free to embrace. Free to accept that which is still blurry in my eyes. Because that which was blur was simply clearly unfocused.
Back then, clarity was subjective. And that subjectivity was good. Because it gave me room to take in Life and all the wonders it brought without first, having to dissect it in my head or make sense of the madness that surrounds.
We were never meant to know everything. Neither were we meant to understand everything. I write it now but I just wish I could tell myself that... and believe it. Because maybe then I'd stop running.
10 comments :
Hi babe, i recognize what you are feeling and i've got just the cure for you ...you need ... to... go ..... bungee jump!! hah, you will come out of it a different person i tell you :)
ATTN: Leonard
– Hey there, Leonard. Haha. Bungee jump? You want me to shower holy water on everybody down below? =p I'd rather go zorbing. Haha.
Face it and deal with it.
Eventually, running will never solve the knot in your heart, mind, etc... =)
ATTN: Boon
– Ah, but you see, I'm a left-brainer. People like us don't get worked up by these things much. So... I usually have no "knots" to solve. I'm run FROM knots. Haha. Other people's knots.
Cos hor... when I "run", I don't even get stressed about the situation anymore. I extract myself from the problem. From all the drama. Mind over matter. When I decide to stop the subject, I just drop and forget. That's why running is so easy for me.
Im a left brainer too. (I reckon)
Certain things can run, but not all because it remain unsolved.
But then again, what is it that you want to run? =)
Run is good as not to give stress on yourself, but do remember this, you might be running around in circle. haha...
Maybe you need to be like Woodpecker. Beep! Beep!
Yeah, I know what you mean having been there and all..
The thing is, we only get one life. One teens, one twenties, one thirties and so on. And once a stage in our life is gone, it is gone. I mean, you must know people who are stuck at one age in his/her life. The one who peaked at high school..
So I guess, what I'm getting at is that, perhaps by running, you would have missed something beautiful is you would have stop and stayed by. Then again, there's equal probability that you would be smothered in *enter disgusting thing of choice*.
But it does seem that as human beings we tend to forget the bad easily. So I'll vote for staying put when it gets ugly. Because who knows?
Life is not the amount of breathes you take, it's the moments that take your breathe away. Like when garbage truck passes...
ATTN: Storyteller
– I know what you mean. Just that... it's not easy. Cos I automatically shut off. Don't wanna deal with the mess. I hate mess. Especially emotional mess – the worst kind. It tires me out. Doesn't help that I think it's absolutely unnecessary, too.
I think some things can be dealt with common sense and courtesy. Not everything needs to be said or discussed. Sometimes, feelings need to be controlled. If I'm upset, I don't always show it. You guys on my blog see it (cos I'm more transparent here) but usually, the people I'm with don't.
I know we only have one life to live and we better make the most of the time we have here. And if anything, there are two sides to a coin. You say I should stay put. Ride it out. But to me... I have one life. I better make the most of it. Why get pulled down by drama, why drown in mess?
It's about knowing which battles to fight and which to walk away from. That's why I say if I am bound to the person. Like if I'm dating a guy or if it's family, I will fight it out. That wan, my resolve I have to say, is far stronger than most people. After all, I did stay in a long term relationship that spanned the continents once. Been there, done that, fought and won the battle against my inner demons.
Then I left him. Walked away (not run). Because... I learnt to pick my battles. Not every battle is worth the fight. And when I discover that, I pick up my feet. Or else I'd be standing right behind the garbage truck when it gets emptied.
ATTN: Boon
– Haha. Just saw your comment. =p
Yeah, I agree. As you can see from my comment to Storyteller, I choose what I want to fight for and what I don't.
What do I run from? Haha. Emotional drama lor. And no circles wan. Haha. When I run, I usually run in a straight line. The only time people catch up is when I stop.
Beep! Beep!
Yes, not all battle worth to fight. But to prevent more misunderstanding, a talk will be gd.
that's life. =) u can run, but u can't hide. (sound so FBI/CIA wor)
Enjoy ur day and dun brood over these.
Cheer up! Mid wk to wkend!
wah long reply. Thank you thank you. Paiseh pulak.
I agree very much with you. My point was not that you stop and deal with every mess that you come across but since you have a natural aversion to it, I was merely pointing out that maybe sometimes it might be worth your while. But since you're already doing that, then I also don't know why I said what I said. Hahaha
May I also commend you on walking away from a relationship that is going nowhere. It takes a lot of courage to do that. Most people just go on and that IMHO, is just plain wrong.
But what you said which I really loved is the following.
pamsong: Sometimes, feelings need to be controlled.
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