What Adults Do When Kids Fall Asleep In The Car

😂😂😂

Yes, shopping with Mummy and Kong Kong is a tiring affair. And the trip back from Queensbay Mall is too long a way for a tired 5yo to bear.  😆

When Bad Days Strike

Chemo may render me weak.

But in my weakness, I must remember:

Children don’t need a perfect mom;

they need a present mom.

Chemotherapy + Immunotherapy Round 3

I really wanted to just quickly get things over with and go home early today. But considering how this morning's episode with the setting of the line went, I wasn't feeling too optimistic about it all by the time I was in the bed ready to be Herceptin-ed and chemo-ed up. But still... what needs to be done, needs to be done. So, just diam-diam and do it la!

My pre-chemo cocktail going in.

I knocked out for a little while after Piriton
cos that one's a real good sleeping drug. 🤣🤪

The day wore on after that. Nothing too eventful happened in between. (Thank God.) I listened to some music, blogged a little, stoned a lot, and before I knew it, the sun had gone down and I was done with my IVs. Only thing left was Zoladex, which is another crazy painful SC jab with a super BIG needle. 💉 So I asked for my usual Zoladex BFF:

Best. Numbing. Spray. Ever!

Of course, still sakit la. So big ma, the needle. Heck, I still have two big "moles" on my tummy from the last two Zoladex jabs cos that's just how big the skin punctures are. But Zoladex is the last thing I need to do before I bolt so I'm quite ready to just take the pain and say "goodbye". LOL.


At this point, I usually leave the hospital with just two puncture wounds on me – one on the back of my hand where the line was put, and one on my belly. But today, I've leave with double that amount – a grand total of four. 😭

No thanks to this. 👆

But what the hew. I can handle the pain. What matters is this: Chemotherapy + Immunotherapy Round 3 – KAUTIM! ✅ With this, I'm finally 50% done! Wheeee!!! #achievementunlocked #chemomilestoneachieved #letsbeatcancer

A Mother's Role

So, this is that blog post

I promised I would write.

Here goes...

I'm in my 30s – a time largely considered to be the prime of my life by many and most. That means that if I'm to hope to amount to anything great or achieve anything amazing at all in this lifetime, THE. TIME. IS. NOW. Right?? Wrong.

Problem is – a scattering of freelance jobs aside – 

all I was doing for the better part of this decade of my life...

...was mothering.

Every scroll through Facebook showed me that my peers in advertising were all doing envious things – moving up the corporate ladder, winning awards, starting agencies and making creative waves wherever they were at.

But me?

I was perpetually in gym clothes (most comfortable), rushing for school pick-ups (always late), packing snack boxes (school lunches are too expensive), cooking dinners (eating at home is healthier), cleaning cuts (birthed accident-prone kids), wiping drool (back then), and washing poop (every. single. day). 😞

I kept going through periods where I felt like I was going nowhere and doing nothing of consequence with my time here on Earth. I felt like my days were just blending into one another and my jam was Ecclesiastes 1:1 on repeat, day in and day out. I questioned my purpose and came up with no answer. I was just a glorified chef, maid and driver who worked day and night without pay. At least it felt that way to me for a long while.

Until I got cancer.

Spending time away from the kids and seeing them stumble where they once shone made me and The Husband realise that my role as a mother is so much more important than what we ever thought it was. I don't know about him but I always saw my roles as morning waker, breakfast maker, lunchbox packer, food feeder, car driver, bandage applier, poop cleaner, homework driller, toothpaste squeezer, and so on and so forth. Functional. Practical. Domestic.

But I was wrong.

I've discovered that though through my eyes I may function as all of the above... to my kids, my role and my identity as a mother is wrapped up in more than just what I'm doing; it's in my being. To them, I am comfort giver, heart healer, love sharer, joy bringer, worldview shaper, memory maker, and so much more. My role is to meet their needs emotionally. Psychologically. Mentally. 

When I bandage a cut after a fall, I show my boys that life can knock us down but love can build us up again. When I put them to bed, I'm not just a warm body for them to hug, my presence reminds them that no matter what happens during the day, they can always find rest, security and acceptance in Mommy's arms. When I pick them up, I don't just carry their bodies, I cradle their hearts.  ❤️

The Husband and Mama have been pitching in and I'm eternally grateful for their help during this time. The kids are being fed, they're being sent and picked up from school, their bums are being cleaned, their teeth are being brushed, they're being put to bed, and yet... both boys still know and feel like something's amiss when Mommy's not there.


So if you're a mom like me and you ever feel too tired to smile, remember this: You do more than feed, clean and fetch; you do what no one else can – you mother. And that's more than anything anyone else in the world can offer. 

If You Fail, Try And Try Again. Literally.

The good days are over and I'm back at the hospital

with my #gamefaceON to suck it up and kickstart the bad.

I was so ready today. Went in bright and early to get my blood-work done, feeling real confident about everything, but... unfortunately, the veins in my good hand didn't get the memo. 🤦‍♀️ Cos... tadaaa... FAIL!

Ouch.

I was given a comfort pack

thereafter to soothe my hand.

Top part look pretty and pink but the underside is quite jijik. 😬

I also think the nurse felt a bit bad for me la cos she looked like a young trainee in her white, regular-ward uniform. (I was told those in such uniforms were just standing in cos the unit is understaffed.) She called in one of the usual lady onco nurses after that – blue uniform. Well, guess what? FAIL AGAIN! 😩

Looks (and feels) to me like

Chemotherapy + Immunotherapy Round 3

is NOT off to a good start! 😠😤

That lady onco nurse then called in the pro – Fitri – a male onco nurse who seemingly never misses. When I saw him head over, I breathed a sigh of relief. And true enough... bingo. Success at last.

Third time's the charm.

Had my blood taken and sent off to the lab,

then sneaked out for a quick breakfast with Mee.

All ready and in place for IV-ing later.

The Last Of The Good Days

I’m desperately trying to get better quick from the flu I picked up last week so that my blood test tomorrow gets an A+ from my onco, resulting in me getting the go-ahead to proceed with chemo. (What a mouthful of a sentence!)


That means lots of rest, lots of water, and lots of YLEO oiling all day yesterday and today. Overall, the rest has been good but I must admit, I feel like I’m just “wasting” away my “good days” by staying at home and lying in bed doing nothing fun and/or productive. 😕


Also, I’ve been getting subtle waves of emotional lows on and off throughout the day at the thought of this being my last good day in at least a week from tomorrow. Like, already?!? Has 3 weeks gone by ALREADY??? No way!! Where did all the good days go?? And then I remember:

 Oh yeah, I squandered them away

by getting the flu. Bah! 😒

Post-Chemo Side Effect Log: Round 2

I thought that logging it the first time would be enough. But as it turns out, the meds and dosages administered were slightly different so the side effects seemed to differ a little, too. So, here's Round 2's log before I start it all again tomorrow.


24 SEPTEMBER 2019 (Tue): D-Day a.k.a Day 1 

• 280mg Herceptin IV + Taxotere IV (Chemo) + Carboplatin IV (Chemo) + Zoladex shot 💉 
• Tired by the time I was done but suffered horribly from insomnia and couldn't sleep till 5.30am. 😵
• Diarrhoea, noticeable hair-fall. 

25 SEPTEMBER 2019 (Wed): Day 2

• Started taking Motilum 10mg (nausea/vomiting) + Kytril (Granisetron) 1mg (nausea/vomiting) + Dexamethasone 4mg (vomiting/swelling) as prescribed, and will continue to do so for the next 2-3 days.
• Constipation, noticeable hair-fall, extreme tiredness, digestive discomfort, weird tastebuds. 

26-28 SEPTEMBER 2019 (Thu-Sat): Days 3-5

• Daily Nivestim immunity booster shots. 💉💉💉
• Wore a holter for 24 hours to monitor my heart rate as Herceptin tends to make it race. Heart gets the all-clear thereafter. YES!
• Constipation, severe bloating, increased hair-fall, extreme tiredness, digestive discomfort, weird tastebuds, body aches.

29-30 SEPTEMBER 2019 (Sun-Mon): Days 6-7

• Constipation, increased hair-fall, sudden onset of tiredness, digestive discomfort, weird tastebuds, body aches, major Kin Chi Bee Hoon craving.

1-2 OCTOBER 2019 (Tue-Wed): Days 8-9

• Diarrhoea, increased hair-fall, sudden tiredness, weird tastebuds.

3-7 OCTOBER 2019 (Thu-Mon): Days 10-14

• Good days. 🎉
• Increased hair-fall, unsustainable productivity (kinda like an old iPhone battery – it depletes very quickly even after a full charge). 🔋

8-9 OCTOBER 2019 (Tue-Wed): Days 15-16

• Good days. 🎉
• Reduced hair-fall, acne (due to Zoladex shot), unsustainable productivity. 

10-14 OCTOBER 2019 (Thu-Mon): Days 17-21

• Bad days 😪🤧😭 – technically not chemo related cos I caught the flu BUT... I also probably caught the flu cos chemo caused my immunity to drop. 😒
• Rate of hair-fall seems to have slowed down (only a few strands come off in the bath and in bed each time – WHOOPIE! 🤸‍♀️🎉🌈), acne, extreme tiredness, unsustainable productivity. 

And that's Round 2, y'all. One more time tomorrow and I'll officially be halfway through chemo. 50% and straight on to the finish line, bay-beh!! Let's do this! 💪

Talking About God Along A Graveyard

While we were driving along Mount Erskine

and passing the many graves along the way,

JJ suddenly struck up this conversation: 

JJ: Some people don’t believe in God, right? 

Por Por: Yes. Some people.

JJ: Like my friend in school. He says he doesn’t believe in God. 

Por Por: Then what did you say? 

JJ: I said, “God is real.” 

My heart swelled with pride at his reply,

while The Husband looked at me

and said, “Our job is done.”

#proudmom #proudpapa #proudparents

#Christians #Godisreal #notashamedofthegospel

------------------------
Deuteronomy‬ ‭6:6-9‬
------------------------
“These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”

It's Tough Being A 2019 Mommy

Growing up, we used to make origami lotus, balls, boats, hats and fishes in early to mid primary school. Dunno how to make? Just skip only – nobody there to teach and no YouTube videos to watch so just turn the page and get back to it when you're older/smarter/cleverer. 

It's only when you hit the double digits do you advance into cranes, frogs and dollar-bill hearts. If still loser, wait till you're in secondary school. Then maybe you'll be able to brain it by then. If still cannot, just give up la. It's ok. Ahh, I miss the simplicity of those days. 

Times have changed, though.

2019 origami is a different ballgame.

I bought a dinosaur origami set for the kids from Daiso. Thought can let them work on it while I rest. I'm proud to say that my kids are not bodoh la. My older boy takes instructions very well and my younger one is an origami fanatic. But guess what? Both stared at it blur blur, dunno what to do. 🤷‍♀️


At first I thought... how hard can it be la??? Just figure it out! Think! Follow the numbers! Follow the lines! Just do it! On your own! You shouldn't need my help! The pack doesn't have an age indication but it can't possibly be made for 12-year-olds, right?? You! Can! Do! It!

But, no. Turns out, even 35yo aunty 🙋‍♀️

have to process long long baru understand. 😅

Each dino uses two sheets of paper. And the paper got printing wan. And lines. And numbers. Not just blank sheets of coloured paper. But those lines and numbers aren't there to "help" per se, cos without them, it really isn't possible to make what you're intended to make. They're VITAL to the whole construction!


And it doesn't help that we didn't notice an instruction sheet before we started. 😂 It was only after numerous failed attempts at making the T-Rex that I went mental on the pack and subsequently found a thin sheet of white paper that contained building instructions. LOL. #fail

So since put in the effort already must show off. 

Tadaaaa!

Meet my T-Rex and my Pteranodon. 

Origami these days many complicates.

Many tireds now. Bye.

More Kin Chi Bee Hoon

The Husband went to tapau Kin Chi Bee Hoon for me again tonight from the Jalan C.Y. Choy stall. Double packet this time cos I'm ambitiously tham ciak like that.

Downed the two packets easy while I

watched [Dorothy]도로시 mukbang videos.

She whack, I also whack. LOL.

Khua Char Boh?

Is it just me or does The Husband's current iPhone lock screen wallpaper look like it's the outline of the face of a sexy girl with sexy hair (ala Jessica Rabbit from "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"), resting her sexy chin on her sexy knees? 😂😏

Same, right?? Yes? No? Maybe so?

I Is Sad So I Mukbang

I've been having a bit of emotional downtime this past few days, just fighting the blues. Dunno la. I think I'm just not a very happy person when I can't eat and enjoy my food because FOOD IS LIFE! Lol. #penangkia through and through. Even when I suddenly crave something and manage to somehow get it onto my plate, I don't end up enjoying it much. Haih. Waste time, waste money, waste effort. Sienz max. #chemosucks

The only food-related thing I find some joy in

is watching Korean mukbang videos

on YouTube and Facebook. 😅

Have you watched any???

OMG, so addictive! 🤩

My favourite YouTuber's channel for awesome mukbang videos is [Dorothy]도로시. Hers is the best of the best of the best. She just makan and review like a NORMAL person who cooks and enjoys food. Portioning also reasonable – doesn't make you think she's eating a lot for added shock factor. The only thing cray-cray about her is that she likes her food extra spicy! 🌶🌶🌶

The closest second to her is Eat with Boki. This girl is ok la. Her videos are well made and the sound is good (ASMR!) but I a bit jelak the way she tries to open her mouth damn big and make herself look sexy *rolls eyes* while eating TOO MUCH food. She eats like a BEAST okay! No normal human being eats like that on an everyday basis. And even if they do, it's impossible that they're healthy.

So yes, mukbang videos are what's offering me comfort

in times of sadness and satisfaction-less eating. 😩

What's your go-to happy to-do?