To Love Is To Give

I learned this lesson today.

I learned that to love is to be able to sacrifice yourself for another. Because the act of loving isn't about you. It's not about receiving. It's about giving. And if you're not prepared to give, you're not prepared to love.

I mean, It's not like I've never heard this being said
or known it before. But today, it really struck me.

Because I came to realise... that I'd stopped giving.

I stopped giving because I stopped believing in people and their intentions. I stopped giving because I thought that all people liked about me and what they wanted from me was only what I had to offer. I stopped giving because I never learned to trust again. I stopped giving because I told myself that I'd given enough once before. I stopped giving because the thought of putting myself out there scares me. I stopped giving because the last time I did, I got hurt. And...

I stopped giving because I needed
to know that other person would
be willing to give even if I didn't.

That the other person would love me enough to give without expecting anything in return. And besides, I always told myself that when I decided on who it was I wanted to share my life with, I'd eventually want to give again. And to be honest, I still believe I would eventually find myself wanting to give again if I found that perfect someone.

So... this whole non-giving thing I practiced
sort of became my little (unintended) test for
the people who dared invite me into their lives.

But that's not fair of me.

I guess I've known it all along – that I wasn't being fair to the people around me. I just never bothered to deal with it. Or rather I never dared to. Because as much as giving of myself is scary, loving is, too. All the more so, in fact. And if I can't bring myself to love another like one should a lover, I can't possibly give. And if I can't give, how can I find love enough for another within myself?


You see, over time, this whole concept of loving being equated to giving became something I knew in my head, but no longer did in the physical. Not because I didn't want to. I mean, I felt the tugging, that's for sure. But I never acted on it because I never found the courage to do it all over again after being put through some tough times the last time I gave my all.


I guess what they say about broken-before hearts is true. The pain goes away (numbs itself, rather) but the hurts never really heal. The scars never quite disappear. We just cover it up real well with fake smiles and phony laughter. Self-preservation and all that other nonsense, you know?

So... I guess what I need now is
to learn to deal with my inability to give.

But how?

I was the girl who burned a mix-CD of sappy love songs and prepared a love-pill-a-day pack (haha, how corny of me) for her best friend-turned-boyfriend-turned-ex-boyfriend-turned-friend. The girl who used to buy her then-boyfriend tennis tees from Nike every time she saw any cool ones just cos she knew he'd love them. The girl who once gave her then-boyfriend a gift every month to celebrate the passing of their monthiversaries. The girl who could find it in herself to send "I love you" and "I miss you" SMS and chat messages that ended with "Muaks" or "Hugs" just because. The girl who wrote and posted an update-letter a day to her then-boyfriend who was miles and miles away from home so he'd never feel alone or out of touch with the people who mattered in his life.


I was once the girl who never failed to remember birthdays, who always sent her best wishes no matter what. The girl who used to love shopping for (or making) birthday and Christmas gifts for the people she cared for. The girl who actually took the time to really think about what people liked and wanted for Christmas or their birthdays, and then did the best she could to give it to them. The girl who stayed up with friends when they were down and needed a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen to what they had to say. The girl who also stayed up with them for nothing more than just to spend quality time together, building the friendship in a car with the music on and the windows down.


I used to be the girl who left others hand-crafted, inspirational notes or surprise cards or bookmarks every other week. The girl who was always first to send a heartfelt SMS when it was Mother's Day or Father's Day. The girl who always sent Christmas and Chinese New Year cards to those who've touched her life. The girl who bought hundreds and hundreds of Hallmark and Memory Lane cards whenever she saw any that struck her fancy even though there was no need for a card at the time because she knew that she'd eventually find someone who deserved one. The girl who not only believed that Valentines was special, but also believed that every day was Valentines when she loved and was being loved in return.

Sigh.

I miss that girl. And I want her back.