30 Minutes Does It

I've been timed and told that I take 30-minute baths.

Instructions For A Satisfactory 30 Minute Bath

1^st & 2^nd minute: Step into the shower, turn on the Hot & Cold water faucets and get the water temperature right in preparation for your impending bath. For safety purposes, be sure to only temperature-test the bath water with your fingertips.

3^rd & 4^th minute: Stand directly under the shower and let the water run down the length of your body from the crown of your head to the tips of your toes. Tilt your head back so that the water makes its way down your face. Breathe through your mouth to avoid dying from inhalation of bath water.

5^th to 8^th minute: Pick up your shampoo bottle and squeeze a dollop the size of a tablespoon into your palm. Slowly massage shampoo into your hair and onto your scalp. Close eyes while shampooing to increase feelings of satisfaction.

9^th & 10^th minute: Rinse hair throughly. To ensure that all suds have been rinsed from your hair, look down at the water that's pooling at your feet. If it's clear, you've done well. If it's bubbly, rinse again, you dirt bag.

11^th & 12^th minute: Get distracted and start playing with water for a little while. Enjoy the flow of warm water that's running across your skin. Mmm. Feel it. Let the water embrace you. Let the warmth seep into your soul.

13^th to 16^th minute: Wash your face (with face wash, not body wash). Dig your nose and remove all boogers. They tend to adopt a jelly-like texture in warm water so it should be easy enough for you to handle even with your other hand holding the shower head steady.

17^th to 19^th minute: Grab some that bar of soap or squeeze some body wash into your hands. (Personally, I think that bar soaps aren't as self-cleansing as the manufacturers would like you to think they are. Hence, if you're not the only one using it, I'd recommend Johnson's pH5.5 body wash.) Work up the suds into a good lather and wash yourself all over. Try making sure that you don't miss a spot. It's just gross if you do.

20^th to 22^nd minute: Rinse, rinse, rinse and rinse some more. Look down and do that no-bubbles-on-the-water check, just like before. Ensure that the skin between the folds of your body (i.e. underarms, behind the ears, behind your knees, between your toes, etc...) isn't home to dirt and soap.

23^rd to 25^th minute: Take some time out to play with water again. This is what I'd like to call the second bath time out. The first was after your shampoo.

26^th to 28^th minute: Give your body one last rinsing – a good one, from head to toe. This is your final chance to rid your body of grime and dirt. If you wanna give your pits a whiff, give it a good one right now because after this step, there's no turning back. Should you find that your pits fail the whiff test, knock yourself over the head and repeat all steps from the 17^th minute onwards.

29^th & 30^th minute: After you're nice and clean, always look around and ensure that you leave the shower stall as you entered it. Replace all shampoo, conditioner, face wash and body wash bottles and give the floor a good once over with water. When you're done with that, give your body another final rinse and turn off the faucets (turn off the warm water first, you doofus) and you're good to go!

And that, my friends, is how you make 30-minute baths count.