When Everything Is Nothing

I have everything.

And yet… I feel like I have nothing.

How is that even remotely possible? I mean, I don't think it's dissatisfaction. I don't think it's discontentment. At least it doesn't feel like it's any of those. It's just… unhappiness. Yeah. Unhappiness.


I'm just having one of those days, you know? I hate these days. Days when I get hit by unexplainable bouts of loneliness and sadness. Days when I mourn, but for what and whom, I do not know. Days when I just feel all alone and all forlorn. Like I have nothing and no one.

But that's not true. I know it isn't. I have everything and I have people around me who care for me, who love me, and who miss me. Yeah, I say it. But why is it so difficult for me to believe what I say?

I get a feeling of hopelessness. Like everything we do eventually becomes yet another futile attempt at correcting and righting the many wrongs in our lives. We exhaust all efforts even with the full knowledge and awareness that the Game of Life we play is actually a pointless, purposeless, and an ultimately vain attempt to do something to fill our time, as we watch the years creep slowly by. It's a pathetic way to go through life but we do it anyways, for it beats sitting by doing nothing at all.


I feel forsaken and forgotten. Could it be that I have been? I hope not. Hah. Hope. How ironic that that word popped up just a paragraph after.

Sigh.

I dunno what it is. I'm just not happy. And it's not Dark Queen's struck back. It's nowhere near anger. Just... sadness. I feel... Incomplete. Unfulfilled. =( I just wish life were different, you know?


Perhaps it's cos I miss some people I care about. People whom I haven't seen in awhile or hadn't had the chance to really sit down and catch up with. Or perhaps it's cos I miss the places I used to frequent. I miss the constants in my life. I miss doing what I'm used to doing at the times I'm used to doing them. It has been three months, after all. I really shouldn't be surprised. And honestly, I'm not. But still, it doesn't ease the pain.


I miss the midnight movies with the Movie Crew. I miss the ever-so-often McDonald's visits. I miss Monday nights with Lorenz & Preston. I miss the late night talks. I miss the never ending suppers. Yeah, I miss it all.

Sigh.

I feel like I've lost touch with the world. I've lost touch with my world. It's like I dropped out of the ballgame and nobody even noticed a missing player. Like I've been left behind while the world just moved on ahead without me.


So, I escape that reality. I escape it, and I run to where I know I am given the freedom to write and express myself. It is here that I clear my mind and assess my thoughts and emotions. It is here that I let what I feel flow onto the screen before my eyes – no holds barred. And then, I read back on what I've written to understand what I'm really feeling on the inside. Yes, I write, then I read, in an effort to dissect what my emotions have allowed my fingers to reveal.

Blogging is therapeutic.

And now, it's time to read.


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*blink blink*

Wow. So that was it. I actually figured it out.