Hoping For Hope

It's been a difficult couple of days. I feel like I'm doing okay – all things considered – but not okay at the same time. I'm doing everything I need to do, saying everything I need to say, and smiling when I need to smile with everyone around me but, inside... my heart is heavy.

Why?

Because I find it hard to see my future now. I no longer believe without a doubt that I'll grow old with my husband. I worry I won't be alive long enough to see my kids grow up. I wonder if I'll go down the same path as those who fought the good fight and died anyway. 😢 

It was never like this before.

Even after Cancer marked me for the first time last August, I remember feeling positive about my outcome. I knew it was early-stage cancer. I knew the prognosis was good. I felt like it was a cold Winter that would eventually pass. I was going to beat the odds and come out of this stronger than before. 

But it's not the same this time around.

I feel down. Desolate. Depressed. Honestly, I feel less hopeful. 😔 It feels like I escaped Death once already. How many times can I escape it again and again as it claws at me? How many times can I outrun this disease? How many times will my life be spared? Will it ever let me go?

So many questions crowd my mind.

And none of the answers, I like.

Happy Food

I need me some happy food

after being shot in the boob three times.

Back in the day, it would have been a McDonald's Double Cheeseburger (Plain) Value Meal. Up till mid-2019, it would have been a zesty, greasy Coke & Fries combo at Plan B, Publika. Today, it's this:

Cheesy Quesadillas @ Kafka.

A VEGETARIAN quesadilla with a side of salad, no less! But I still have more growing up to do la. It's still greasy and I left more than half that salad. Haha. Give me some time, ok. Bagi chan a bit please. 

Keith Kee "Lady in Pink" Limited Edition Masks From MODA "Pink Merchandise" 2020

#PinkOctober has taken on more meaning now that I'm a survivor. Last year, I lusted after the pretty pink broaches they were selling to raise funds and bring awareness to breast cancer through #BAZAARPinkProject2019 but didn't end up getting one because... well, I just couldn't be bothered to try while undergoing chemo. Tired la. 😪 

This year, however, is a different story.

Malaysian Official Designers Association (MODA) has partnered with Estée Lauder for its Breast Cancer Awareness 2020 project and 20 "Pink Merchandise" by 16 local designers have been launched. 

The designers involved in this project are Ashley@kapas, Brian Khoo, Celest Thoi, Chee of GOCHEEKS, Double U by Jimmy Wong, Ellie Lim, Keith Kee, Key Ng, Kit Woo, Leslie Variyan, Lue Syn, Melinda Looi, Melson Kuala Lumpur, Stephanie van Dalen, Styled by Peter Lum and YULEZA by YouSheng. 

The concept is really interesting this time around as these items are sold in Campells Soup cans in eight vending machines that are located in five shopping malls – namely, Pavilion KL, MidValley Megamall, Sunway Pyramid, Avenue K, and MidValley Southkey in JB.

Why no Penang malls??? 😩 

Penang got survivors, too, maaaa...

Thank goodness last year, I happened to get to know Keith Kee through a mutual friend. 🥳😏🤓 So I got in touch with him and he so very kindly got his team to help me buy me his "Lady in Pink" masks! Collected them from Keith Kee Couture today. You see, you see... 🤩

Such pretty shades of pink! 😍

Based on what I can see on their FB page, it looks like "Pink Merchandise" sales via vending machines in those aforementioned malls have been extended until 15 November 2020 so, it's not too late to get your hands on these designer items that Breast Cancer Awareness, too! 

Prices are RM30 or RM50 per item and a whopping 80% of all sales will be donated to four organisations, namely the Breast Cancer Welfare Association of Malaysia, Cancer Research Malaysia, College of Radiology Malaysia and National Cancer Society of Malaysia. Go support, kays!

Biopsy #2 – Done & Dusted

LA + three shots into the boob. Ouch.

Now, to wait. Again. 😞

Mai Kek Sim, Ciak Ais Krim

So, they spotted a new lump in my CT scan. 🥺💔 Biopsy is set for tomorrow morning. Yup, we don't waste any time waiting around. We move fast and we get things done. With cancer, it's always chop chop, people. Sigh. I feel numb and sien. I know I shouldn't, but heck it la. It's time for some ice cream.

The Worst Part...

...is the waiting.

Got a call from the hospital while I was on the way back. 😥 I don't like how I feel about that. No news is always good news. Calls from the hospital? Usually not so good. 😓 Why are they in such a rush for me to be back? What do they have to say to me that can't wait all of 5 minutes? What was in the report? What is wrong? Is something wrong? 🥺😢😭

Pink October 2020 @ Gleneagles Hospital, Penang

During my final Herceptin immunotherapy IV back in end-August, I was asked to contribute a hand print and an uplifting message to spur my fellow survivors on this #PinkOctober Well, today, I saw it up at the hospital for the first time and it just occurred to me that I HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE HOSPITAL IN ALMOST 2 MONTHS! Shocker. Haha. Can't believe that I used to have to go in every 3 weeks or less, for a whole year and three weeks – that's 1 August 2019 (my first appointment with the Breast Surgeon to assess the lump) through to 25 August 2020 (my last Herceptin IV). Felt endlessly long at the time but... Time does fly by.

 

I'm back because I have my scheduled monthly CT scan again today. Didn't want to get my line put in by the folks at the Imaging Department cos I've had some painful misses there before. 😣 So, I hopped on up to Level 4 and got my line put in by the nice folks at the chemo wing. Haha. 

You see la. So pro. Even give me hot water baggie

to help plump up my veins so that they can insert

a CT-friendly (read: BIGGER) needle.

p/s: More on that orange baggie later.

Hi, Fitri! We meet again!

Ouch.

Done. Going back down to the Imaging Department to wait for my CT.

Got changed, gulped down my CT cocktail, then sat down to wait.

And wait and wait and wait.

It took so long for them to get my blood-work results this time around. Not sure why. I ended up waiting the whole morning away in that green gown. Results out later so I'll be going back to the hospital again after this. On a happier note... 

FREEBIES sempena Pink October 2020! 

The chemo staff so very kindly kept my goodie bag and passed it to me when I happened to go to the 4th floor to get my line in today. (The orange baggie seen in my hot water pouch pic above!) Contributors were supposed to come back to the hospital to collect these but... aiya lazy lah. Also didn't wanna risk the additional exposure to potential germs at the hospital, so I just didn't bother. But thanks to these kind nurses, I got my goodies anyway. Wheee! 🎁🎉🌈

My favourite of all the goodies.

#PinkOctober #BreastCancerSurvivor

Star(s) of the Week

I'm the Star of the Week!

Aww... JZ got one, too!

Both certificates and angpows, courtesy of JJ. ❤️

(We received some KidZania currencies. 🤣)