THE END

Just finished my last chemo,
Now I feel like a true war hero.
Would live it up and throw a party,
But feeling so tired like an aunty.

Guess I'll celebrate this milestone later,
After these tired post-chemo days blow over.
Just can't wait till I feel stronger,
And my days get better and better.

For today, I'll just lie down and pray,
And thank the Lord that He has stayed,
By my side through good and bad,
And for that, I shall be glad.

Bo Hua Hee

I’ve been feeling pretty down lately.

Just looowwwww in spirits and not quite "feeling it", you know? I guess the high of I-can-do-this is slowly giving way to when-will-this-ever-end? 😩😢 #Ihatechemo #chemosucks

Dumplings Vs. Dimples

JJ is highly motivated by stickers. Like, he super LOOOOVES stickers. He would do his homework, eat faster and sleep earlier just for stickers. Hahaha. #whenyoure5

He earned a sheet of reward stickers from me over the weekend for doing his homework and has been using it sparingly since then. One here, one there – very precious. Today, he picked a big one and showed it to me while we were in the car. 

After that, this conversation ensued...

JJ: Mommy, why does he have that pink dot on his face? *points to a rosy cheek* What’s that on the face?

Pam Song: Rosy cheeks. Like your face when you're hot.

JJ: Is it the same as the one that’s on your face also? Dumplings?

Pam Song: 😳 Urm... no. 😂 Those are DIMPLES!!! 😅

I Wish That...

1. Chemo didn't take quite so many moons to complete and that I was already done with treatment by now.

2. My cancer wasn't HER2+ so we didn't have to spend so much money and we would be done with treatment by Christmas instead of having it drag on till the 3rd quarter of 2020.

3. Renovating a home didn't take so long and wasn't this messy.

4. There were creative classes I could take here in Penang. Like calligraphy or oil painting or flower arrangement – something fun for me to indulge my creative side a little.

5. I had one of those vacuum mouths all those mukbangers seem to have. SLUUURRPPP!

What Adults Do When Kids Fall Asleep In The Car

😂😂😂

Yes, shopping with Mummy and Kong Kong is a tiring affair. And the trip back from Queensbay Mall is too long a way for a tired 5yo to bear.  😆

When Bad Days Strike

Chemo may render me weak.

But in my weakness, I must remember:

Children don’t need a perfect mom;

they need a present mom.

Chemotherapy + Immunotherapy Round 3

I really wanted to just quickly get things over with and go home early today. But considering how this morning's episode with the setting of the line went, I wasn't feeling too optimistic about it all by the time I was in the bed ready to be Herceptin-ed and chemo-ed up. But still... what needs to be done, needs to be done. So, just diam-diam and do it la!

My pre-chemo cocktail going in.

I knocked out for a little while after Piriton
cos that one's a real good sleeping drug. 🤣🤪

The day wore on after that. Nothing too eventful happened in between. (Thank God.) I listened to some music, blogged a little, stoned a lot, and before I knew it, the sun had gone down and I was done with my IVs. Only thing left was Zoladex, which is another crazy painful SC jab with a super BIG needle. 💉 So I asked for my usual Zoladex BFF:

Best. Numbing. Spray. Ever!

Of course, still sakit la. So big ma, the needle. Heck, I still have two big "moles" on my tummy from the last two Zoladex jabs cos that's just how big the skin punctures are. But Zoladex is the last thing I need to do before I bolt so I'm quite ready to just take the pain and say "goodbye". LOL.


At this point, I usually leave the hospital with just two puncture wounds on me – one on the back of my hand where the line was put, and one on my belly. But today, I've leave with double that amount – a grand total of four. 😭

No thanks to this. 👆

But what the hew. I can handle the pain. What matters is this: Chemotherapy + Immunotherapy Round 3 – KAUTIM! ✅ With this, I'm finally 50% done! Wheeee!!! #achievementunlocked #chemomilestoneachieved #letsbeatcancer

A Mother's Role

So, this is that blog post

I promised I would write.

Here goes...

I'm in my 30s – a time largely considered to be the prime of my life by many and most. That means that if I'm to hope to amount to anything great or achieve anything amazing at all in this lifetime, THE. TIME. IS. NOW. Right?? Wrong.

Problem is – a scattering of freelance jobs aside – 

all I was doing for the better part of this decade of my life...

...was mothering.

Every scroll through Facebook showed me that my peers in advertising were all doing envious things – moving up the corporate ladder, winning awards, starting agencies and making creative waves wherever they were at.

But me?

I was perpetually in gym clothes (most comfortable), rushing for school pick-ups (always late), packing snack boxes (school lunches are too expensive), cooking dinners (eating at home is healthier), cleaning cuts (birthed accident-prone kids), wiping drool (back then), and washing poop (every. single. day). 😞

I kept going through periods where I felt like I was going nowhere and doing nothing of consequence with my time here on Earth. I felt like my days were just blending into one another and my jam was Ecclesiastes 1:1 on repeat, day in and day out. I questioned my purpose and came up with no answer. I was just a glorified chef, maid and driver who worked day and night without pay. At least it felt that way to me for a long while.

Until I got cancer.

Spending time away from the kids and seeing them stumble where they once shone made me and The Husband realise that my role as a mother is so much more important than what we ever thought it was. I don't know about him but I always saw my roles as morning waker, breakfast maker, lunchbox packer, food feeder, car driver, bandage applier, poop cleaner, homework driller, toothpaste squeezer, and so on and so forth. Functional. Practical. Domestic.

But I was wrong.

I've discovered that though through my eyes I may function as all of the above... to my kids, my role and my identity as a mother is wrapped up in more than just what I'm doing; it's in my being. To them, I am comfort giver, heart healer, love sharer, joy bringer, worldview shaper, memory maker, and so much more. My role is to meet their needs emotionally. Psychologically. Mentally. 

When I bandage a cut after a fall, I show my boys that life can knock us down but love can build us up again. When I put them to bed, I'm not just a warm body for them to hug, my presence reminds them that no matter what happens during the day, they can always find rest, security and acceptance in Mommy's arms. When I pick them up, I don't just carry their bodies, I cradle their hearts.  ❤️

The Husband and Mama have been pitching in and I'm eternally grateful for their help during this time. The kids are being fed, they're being sent and picked up from school, their bums are being cleaned, their teeth are being brushed, they're being put to bed, and yet... both boys still know and feel like something's amiss when Mommy's not there.


So if you're a mom like me and you ever feel too tired to smile, remember this: You do more than feed, clean and fetch; you do what no one else can – you mother. And that's more than anything anyone else in the world can offer.