Earned a golden AS Superstar sticker for creating a giant non-fiction super book. (Apparently very rare and very difficult to get – or so he tells me! Like Willy Wonka's golden ticket except it's not based on luck, maybe. Hahaha.)
Received a "BINGO" sticker for a good job done in phonics.
Got a golden house point.
Got a green house point. (I really don't know the difference between the gold and the green but... yay! 😅😂)
Received his Beaver kit of 4 Beaver badges.
Earned his Beaver's Certificate of Investiture. (This picture cannot show cos too much info! Haha.)
I love my drives with my kids (when they're well-behaved and quiet 😆 #conditionallove LOL!). They remind me of the good time when melsong used to ferry me around in her PCH682 faithful ol' Proton Saga. And now that my kids are older, we listen to songs sometimes and chat sometimes. Sometimes, we chat about songs, too.
So, today, in the car, while we were
listening to Tangled OST, JJ said...
JJ: *seriously* Mommy?
Pam Song: Yeah?
Ethan: Rapunzel doesn’t shower. She is a dirty girl.
Pam Song: 😅
Hahahaha. Quite true leh.
Cinderella showers in the morning. Little Mermaid did, too, when she first got on land. Mulan took a bath in the river. The rest... I can't remember somehow. Did Belle shower before her big date with the Beast? Hmmm... 🤔
So funny though. Job was sent off for printing last Friday and today's already Thursday the week after – meaning, 6 days past job completion. Didn't follow up on payment and had to be chased for the invoice lagi. 😳😅 So out of it, man. Just happy to work and glad to be writing again. Really siao liao this time. HAHA. 😂 Thank goodness the GM is a kawan so tak kena makan. 🙏
Artist: Sinéad O'Connor
Song
Title: Nothing Compares 2U
It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues
'Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me, baby, where did I go wrong
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor and guess what he told me?
Guess what he told me?
He said girl you better try to have fun
No matter what you do, but he's a fool
'Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
All the flowers that you planted, Mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you, baby, was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
'Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Heard this song on the radio and suddenly felt reminiscent of my late nights in advertising. I smiled and my heart warmed at the memory. Just the handful of us... working in the dead of the night... having quiet discussions... typing and clicking frantically on our keyboards, mouses and laptops... and that one colleague who would always play this song whenever Emo Hour hit. Haha. Oh, the feels! I remember it like it was yesterday – the good old days of good times past. ☺️
"How apt," I think now, when I bumped into an ex-colleague while waiting for the lift at SIBKL today. I didn't even know we were in the same church! We weren't all that close before but today, I felt oddly excited to see her after such a long while. I felt a connection. A bond that didn't stem from sisterhood or friendship. No, it was passion – a passion for writing. Suddenly, it dawned upon me and I realised...
...that prayer moves the hands of God
and miracles happen when you least expect it.
I started working on a freelance copywriting job last week. And in hindsight, I realise now that how it happened could only have been possible through God's divine intervention. You see, I had shared with a couple of ladies in my cell prayer group the following message on 12 August 2018 – "...for me to find joy in being a housewife because I find that I miss working a lot lately. I miss my independence and the satisfaction of having a career and a paycheck."
Here's a timeline of everything
that happened thereafter.
12 AUGUST 2018 – Prayer request sent to Faithful Friends' Ladies Club Prayer Group.
13 AUGUST 2018 – Prayed for via WhatsApp.
24 AUGUST 2018 – Ex-partner at MCKL shoots me a text asking if I still do freelance work (I haven't heard from him in YEARS) and we set an appointment for a briefing.
6 SEPTEMBER 2018 – Briefing done and dusted. And so, work begins.
And with that, my prayer
was sent and answered in 25 days.
It's been 10 days since the day and I feel motivated. Driven. Purposeful. Thankful. Prior to this, I had begun to feel like the days were just beginning to blend into each other. The humdrum of Mommy life is as boring to me as it is tiring. Having said that, I enjoy the time I get to spend with the boys and I like it when we enjoy each others' company. But I don't enjoy the teaching and lecturing and intense eyeballing and threatening in order for anything to get done. 😅
I perpetually feel swamped and overwhelmed as a mom. But I also feel purposeless. Like my life has lost its meaning. This incongruity between what I want to do, and what I am doing is slowly causing me more and more cognitive dissonance, which then, ultimately results in a growing measure of unhappiness and dissatisfaction within me. And we all know the two rules of having a happy family, right? 😏
RULE #1: Happy wife, happy life.
RULE #2: Happy mom, happy kids.
#truestory #taktipu
Some people feel happiest when they're travelling. ✈️ Or shopping. 💸 Or gossiping. 😳 Me? I feel happiest when I'm writing. And I've come to realise that when I don't write, I'm less happy. Less satisfied. Less contented. Perhaps it's because I lack an outlet for release. K-dramas can only do so much. 😆😅😂
Anyhoo... enough blogging. Time to kut lat cho kang and get back to my freelance work. 📝 God-willing, may this be the beginning of my return to writing / advertising / freelancing / working life. Because nothing compares to it!
I love my kids – don’t get me wrong. But some days, I find myself missing the life I lived before they came around and turned my world upside down. I miss my kids when there not around, too – in case you were wondering. Some days more than others. But after that, I slap myself and go, “Hoi! Shaddap and enjoy your fleeting moments of freedom and independence la!” #torn
I used to be independent. In control. In charge. Self-reliant. Self-assured. Self-sufficient. I felt confident. And competent. Filled with charisma and bubbling over with excitement for Life and all its adventures. Positive. Passionate. Psyched to be alive and enjoying every moment of it. And I thought that because I was that kind of a person, I would be that kind of a mother, too.
But now?
I think... not so much so.
My life today is a showreel of perpetual chaos. A never-ending movie with no trailers, drinks, or popcorn to make a bad show better. I watch myself play the struggling, stumbling protagonist in a B-grade movie where no one listens, nothing gets done, and even if it does – someway, somehow by some miracle – nothing quite gets done right. Yesterday, today and every day.
And it’s all on me.
My fault.
My problem to solve.
My heartache to get over.
I sometimes wonder if this is what motherhood is supposed to be like. I’m never on my own – never alone. But the journey sure feels discouragingly lonely at times. Are my struggles like those of every other mom? Or am I the only unlucky one? Orrr... could it be that things just seem so sucky and unlucky for me because I’m actually just a lousy mom?
I’m plagued by insecurities that stem from my many inadequacies. I’m drowning in judgement piled on by others. I’m overwhelmed by the responsibilities that lay before me because of an unpaid and unappreciated role I’ve somehow come to undertake called “Mommy” – a name I’m called more often than my own now.
Mommy.
I have a love-hate relationship with this word. Is Mommy the only thing I am these days? Is this all my identity is wrapped around? Is this merely a role I play for a time in my life? Or has it become me? What happened to Pam? Where has that girl gone? Are we still the same person? Is she still me? Just somewhere I can no longer see? Hiding in the depths of me?
Some days, I can tell very clearly where Mommy ends and where Pam begins. Some days, I can’t. Most days, these days. And as the days of motherhood drone on and on, forever long, I realise that I see and feel the distinction between the two less now than I did before. The lines are blurring, and it makes me miss knowing who I am. Mostly, it makes me miss the me I was before.
It's always funny talking to kids. Ok, fine. It can sometimes be frustrating when they're being bratty and they don't listen, too. 😅 But uuuusually, it's funny.
This is what I remember just from lunch today.
-----------------------
CONVERSATION #1
-----------------------
We're having lunch with Por Por & Kung Kung at Gurney Paragon's food court. The food arrives and JJ looks at a sunny side up egg at the food court quizzically.
JJ: Why is the egg melting?
-----------------------
CONVERSATION #2
-----------------------
While we're still at the food court, JZ notices that I'm not eating and that I'm just feeding them. (I'm fasting from 9am-6pm for 40 days with NECF.)
JZ: *kindly* You can have the soup, Mommy. I give you the soup.
Pam Song: I can’t have it, JZ. You have it.
JZ: Why? Because you’re starving?
Pam Song: 😅😅😅 Fasting, JZ. Fasting.
-----------------------
CONVERSATION #3
-----------------------
We then talk about maybe going to the Upside Down Museum after lunch. We've never been so it could be a fun experience, especially if we go with Kung Kung who's good with pictures. (Then Mommy can be in the pictures, too! 😎)
JZ: Everything is upside down??? Then how to wee wee????
😱😱😱
Pam Song & Por Por: 🤔 Haha. Good question! 😅
-----------------------
CONVERSATION #4
-----------------------
While telling melsong about some fruits Ethan ate earlier...
JJ: *interrupts excitedly* Mommy mommy mommy! There’s an animal called rambutan, you know? One animal.
Pam Song: ??? A fruit, you mean.
JJ: *very insistent* No! It’s not! Animal! It is called a rambutan!!
Pam Song: ??? 🤨 Rambutan?? No lah. There’s no such animal, JJ. 🤔
JJ: *getting frustrated with me* There issssssss...!!
Pam Song: *realisation dawns* Oh!!! 😯 Not a rambutan la, JJ. ORANGUTAN!!!! 😂😂😂
Before I begin, let me first say that Caden is currently 5y6mo and Ethan is 3y8mo. That's 5 years and 6 months since The Husband and I have had a night in bed without mini-hims snuggled up in bed with us. 😑😒😓
Well, I'm happy to announce and proud to say that for the FIRST time ever, in the history of parenting in this household, that spans over half a decade...
THE KIDS SLEPT TOGETHER
IN THEIR OWN BED (in our room 🙄)
THE WHOLE NIGHT THROUGH,
RIGHT UP TILL I WOKE THEM
UP FOR SCHOOL IN THE MORNING!
Woohoo! #milestoneachieved #achievementunlocked
At long last, there's light at the end of the tunnel! 🎉🎉🎉
JZ throws a fit and growls in frustration: DIDI! WHY DID YOU DO THAT??
And JJ answers in full dramatic flair; his hands in the air: I DON’T KNOW!! The power inside me is making me do it!!
😳😅😂
#macammacam la ini munya budak.
Sometimes really I wonder how he comes up with these excuses. Sometimes I wonder if he believes them, too. Haha. Most of the time, it amazes me. And most of all, I pity JZ for having to put up with it. Hahaha. 😅😂 #brothersforlife
The kids fight about who gets to scooter in the mall and who gets to sit in the stroller. (They all want to scooter. 😒) I have enough of it and throw this out...
Pam Song: JJ gets to scooter today cos I promised him since yesterday! And JZ, you’re always complaining that you never get to sit in the stroller right?? So today you sit! #momjobdone *pats self on back* #smugface
JJ agrees cos he gets his way but JZ kicks up a fuss. And each time he does so, JJ goes ballistic all over again. Like, every. single. time. Argh!!!
Out of frustration, I bark at JJ:
Pam Song: Didn’t I already tell you the plan??? Who’s the boss??? Mommy or Koko??
Without skipping a beat, JJ shouts back: ME!
😳😳😳
JJ: 1 – Pam Song: 0
Uh... Okay. I wasn't expecting that. 😅😅😅
Small one really thinks he’s all that, huh. LOL. 😂
At bedtime, JJ looks to me with sleepy eyes and says in a soft, quiet voice: Mommy? A long, long time ago, when you were old, you wore glasses. And your hair was very, very long. And you pau pau me and I was a baby. You remember?
Pam Song: 😚 Yes, I remember. ❤️ I will always remember. =')
#preciousmoments
Picture taken on 26 March 2018, in the plane, enroute to Tokyo, Japan.
Just me and my forever baby.
--------
My baby, JJ...
Mommy loves how you somehow always manage to remember everything. Right down to the very last detail – what was worn, what was said, what was happening, what music was playing, and even what smell was in the air. It gives the assurance that even someday when I'm gone, you'll still remember the person that I was and the relationship that we shared as mother and son. I love you, Baby. 4,120,927 times more than you remember that I do.
Tonight I endured yet another impossible bedtime with JJ after he somehow sneaked in a nap in the afternoon. Sigh. Should definitely start cutting that nap out for my sanity's sake la! Beh tahan liao.
Aaaannd he's still got this rotten habit of holding the boob to fall asleep, which irritates me no end cos like, HEY! Those are MINE now! Give 'em back! Your time with them are OVER, BRUH! 😡
But of course, JJ being JJ a.k.a Mr YOLO a.k.a Mr Bo Chun a.k.a Mr Water-Off-A-Duck's-Back – he remains unfazed and pays little to no heed to my nightly warnings and grumblings. So tonight, I lost it.
Pam Song: *in super fierce, extra loud, booming boss-mom voice* I SAID, NO TOUCHING THE NEN NEN!!! 😡😡😡
Bedtime conversations with the kids are usually funny and/or sweet. But tonight... Sigh. Tonight totally crashed and burned for me. Why? Well, here's why:
JJ: *out of the blue and matter of fact-ly* Mommy, I think when you die, another mommy will come.
As in, he likes to stick them everywhere and on everyone. I think it's a real waste of stickers and honestly, I'm not too fond of this habit of his. I mean, back in my day, stickers were precious! So expensive and so difficult to come by! Where got simply just stick everywhere wan?? But this generation of kids ah... tsk tsk tsk. Sticker macam no need money liddat. Just stick, stick, stick everywhere. So, this happened today...
Pam Song: JJ, why did you put a thundercloud on my iPad??
I don’t understand why any woman in her right mind would prepare for, create, upload, and subsequently publish a video of herself teaching a hairstyle tutorial in sleeveless clothing. Sleeveless! Of all things to wear! Because, like... all the pits, yo!! My gosh! Argh!! Why la, why?!? 😭
It just doesn’t... I just can’t... ugh... just don’t la, ok? Please don’t. Especially not if your pits are black, dark or hairy la aiyo. Really cannot take it. *shiver* But seriously la, I think no matter how pretty your pits also, I wouldn’t wanna have it in my face for the whole 5 minutes it takes for you to teach me a sexy up-do. Cos it ain’t sexy. Kthxbai.
I'm so glad that while The Husband is your typical, everyday Chinaman when it comes to certain things, he's also not your typical, everyday Chinaman when it comes to other things. Like when he says things like this:
The Husband: Honey, I’m so glad you’re in my life.
Pam Song: 🙂
The Husband: I mean... I’m so glad I’m in your life. Not the same, right?
JJ comes along with The Husband and I to pick JZ up from school at 1.45pm. On the way to JZ's class, we pick up a chocolate roll from the school deli – one for each of them. Because like, which kid doesn't like a chocolate roll for no reason at all, right? Haha. Then, when we meet up with JZ, this conversation ensues:
JJ: *excitedly* Koko, I chose the chocolate roll for you.
JZ: *skeptical* Mama, did he?
Pam: Yeah!
The Husband: See, Didi knows what you like. Do you know what Didi likes?
JZ: *with no hesitation whatsoever* Of course. Didi likes to hit me.
😅😂
Well, can't say he's wrong cos... true also. Hahaha.
There's a tree just outside of JZ's school that I park under during drop-off. I haven't really seen any birds on it, but I usually find bird poop on my car after that. Today was no different. I dropped JZ off at class and then proceeded to go back to my car with JJ, whom I've got to send to another school after. And then I saw it. I saw it all. Ugh. Yuck. 🤮😡
Pam Song: Haiya. The bird poo poo on my car!!
JJ: Haiya. I think Papa need to buy you another car. Right??
Yes. That's a very valid reason to buy a new car, JJ.
Please tell Papa for me, thank you. 😆
