Saturday, February 23, 2013

Thoughts At 4AM

When I first met him and laid eyes on him, he was just a tiny, little, wobbly lump of flesh and soft bones called "Baby" who did nothing much of anything but cry, eat, sleep and poop – and not necessarily in that order – morning, noon and night.

Fast forward 2 months down the road, and sure, there's still a significant amount of crying, eating, sleeping and pooping. But this baby has also grown to be an opinionated little man with a mind of his own, a strong will and a truckload of wants. Who at the same time, is still so very vulnerable, helpless and dependent in every way imaginable.

Because of that, day in and day out, I am given the honour of playing the saviour; his ultimate hero. Sweeping in like a knight in shining armor, each and every time, at every whimper or cry, to fulfill his every need, want and desire. A part of me is throughly fatigued from having to live my life in total servitude to another... but the bigger part of me knows that this – all of this – is temporary.

In contrary to what you may think, no matter how tired I feel right now, I no longer find joy in the knowledge that this will all be over soon. For I know, I know, I know that this is only but a fleeting moment in time when this tiny little being that demands so much of me, that I love with all my heart, still needs me, wants me, adores me and finds comfort in me... like he probably never will again. ='( At least not to this degree – of that I'm sure.

So... I treasure these quiet one-to-one moments that the two of us share in the dead of the night, as his Papa lies sleeping beside us. I smile a sad smile only the darkness can see, hold my sweet, sleeping baby boy closer to my bosom, bury my nose into his head full of hair and take in his oh-so-familiar baby smell I know so well. A queer scent unique to him that I pray I never will forget.

And then, for 45 precious minutes, I relish the feeling and find contentment in holding his limp, relaxed, semi-sleeping body in my arms and bask in the knowledge that from now until forever, I am giving him something no other human being – not his father, not his grandparents, not his friends, not even his future wife – will ever be able to offer him.

Then I pray and thank God that even when my son eventually does grow out of this needy, clingy, need-me-so somewhere-in-between age and becomes my not-so-little baby of 2 feet tall who runs around and drives me crazy with his new-found "independence", I will always have sweet memories like these to hold on to, look back on with great fondness and shed a happy-nostalgic tear at. =')


Zhen Ying said...

Super love this post. I can feel the feelings you were feeling at the moment you were writing this post. There's so much love and sadness intertwined with it. Very heartfelt.

reddaisie said...

I love this post :)
I'm personally not stepping into motherhood yet coz I can foresee how much sacrifice is needed
But also how much love I will have for the lil one
I know it's not gonna be an easy journey but it's gonna be a beautiful one

And thanks for sharing your journey

pamsong said...

ATTN: Zhen Ying
- I'm glad the emotions of the moment translated on words effectively. Yeah. I felt quite sad that night. Very bittersweet. Happy-sad. If that even makes any sense. =')

pamsong said...

ATTN: reddaisie
- My son wasn't a planned baby actually. But now... I have no regrets. Not only cos we have him and love him so... but also cos I can't imagine doing this for the first time when I'm 35. -_- At least if last child at 35 summore ok. Last lap. Pia one final time. HAHAHAHA.

But you're right. Motherhood is full of sacrifices. But it's also sooo rewarding. Especially the quiet moments when you get to take a breath, stop and appreciate the little person you've helped make.

neena said...

Oh gosh. This brought a lump to my throat. Filled with emotions. Straight from the heart. Thank you for sharing this, Pam.

Dang,I'm now more excited than ever to have a baby of my own!!

Lissa said...

LIKE! :)

pamsong said...

ATTN: neena
– Yeah it was straight from my heart. Broken in advance by thoughts of the future. Haha. Funny how it's possible to feel nostalgic over something that hasn't even happened yet. =')

So how's the man-hunt coming along, neena? Gotta get that bit sorted out first before you can get to the baby part! =p

pamsong said...

ATTN: Lissa
– YAY! =D

neena said...

Aih, That's the thing. Not that I'm really trying or anything ;). It's all good, though. Live and let live, they say. Haha. Actually I'm considering adoption if i'm still not hitched by the time i turn 35. Dang, time sure flies faster than ever these days..

pamsong said...

ATTN: neena
- What's there to try? Be the hunted, not the hunter, girlfriend! =p

How old are you now? I can't believe I turn 30 NEXT YEAR. @_@ My husband and I were just lamenting about going over the hill earlier. Haha. Drats.

Sperm donor? Pregnancy is a very unique and memorable experience. There's nothing quite like it. =)

neena said...

We are of the same age lah! Turning 30 scares me. Urgh I can't think about that right now.

I'm afraid sperm donation is not an option. Religous reasons :).

Sigh, what I'd give to experience motherhood from scratch (LOL!). Oh well, we'll see how it goes ;p

pamsong said...

ATTN: neena
– ISSIT??? But but but... you look so young! NO FAIR! So daunting, right? That stupid 3-0. Depressing sial.

Ooo. If cannot get sperm donor then... TIME TO HUNT! Hahahaha.

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