Oh Where Oh Where Have My Babies Gone?

#throwback to #29December2014

Oh, how I miss those cuddly baby days. 👶🏻🤱🏻

The Cook & The Cleaner

Woke up with the world on my shoulders.

Kids are on their last pair of sports clothes. 😱 (That has officially been their lockdown uniform so Mommy doesn't have to do so much ironing. 🤪) They've also just left for tennis class. That means they would have left my home well-fed... and will return home as hot, tired, hungry monsters. 😈

That means I have about an hour and a half to

get the laundry done and put lunch on the table.

Top: First load of sportswear is already spinning in the dryer.

Bottom: Second load of whites are currently in the wash.

Third load of multi-coloured and darks are waiting to go in.

Two more loads of lights and darks to be run on gentle setting.

That's FIVE loads of laundry to tackle in one morning.

Thank goodness it's not towels and bedsheets day, too. 😅

Oh, but laundry isn't all there is to do, right?

A sink full of dirty dishes.

A semi-frozen, unwashed, uncut, uncooked lunch.

So much to do, so little time. But somehow, it's all possible when I have the whole house to myself and my EarPods in place. Yes, housekeeping is relaxing, laundry is therapeutic and cooking is enjoyable... when there's no one else at home but me. 😅 #truestory #nomommymommymommy #gameon

Lessons From A Lovely Night

Without the dark, we'd never see the brilliance of the moon.

In the same way, without trials and challenges in life,

one would never know the strength one possesses. 😏😉💪

Build The Bridge To Bridge The Gap

"God doesn’t like our pain either, but His plan for us is better than our just escaping it. 

He wants to heal us and redeem us, providing each of His children with an active hope and eternal comfort. But we can’t always see the ways He’s doing this, and many times we may wonder if we’re still on His agenda at all. This is why we need strength and courage too — to bridge the gap between hurt and healed. 

God tells us to be strong and courageous because He knows we will want to listen to the pain rather than to His promises. He knows we will want to find our own solutions and escape routes, and He understands we will struggle to trust His plan is good when it feels anything but. Our fear is not a surprise to Him, which means He has anticipated it and prepared for it with the gift of His Word. Because of these promises, we can be brave."

– Kaitlin Wernet, from The Book of Comforts

by Caleb Faires, Rebecca Faires,

Kaitlin Wernet, Cymone Wilder.

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We need strength and courage to bridge the gap

between hurt and healed, said she.

WOW. And indeed we do.

Well said and beautifully worded.

For the journey is long, and hard, and tough, and tiring. Sometimes, painful; often, lonely. So yes, having walked a short mile on this path the Lord has set me on, I have to agree – strength and courage is the name of this wretched game. 

I think I took my first diagnosis moderately well.

I accepted my fate, trusted my doctors, did everything that was prescribed, and adapted to life as a survivor. I praised God throughout and was pretty calm about the whole situation, believing that what we were doing would be enough to keep Cancer at bay and that this was a one-off occurrence that we could put behind us after I was done with treatment. But then...

During a scheduled 6-month CT the moment I was done

with my year-long treatment plan, they found a new lump.

Another biopsy and a stressfully long wait later,

our worst fears were confirmed and had come back to haunt us

– the cancer had semi returned in the form of a DCIS.

During this time, I went through a handful of bluesy days. I was downcast and depressed. To sum it up in a word, what I felt then was hopelessness. But God brought our SIBKL cell, Faithful Friends, into my life for such a time as this. They arranged a Spirit-led Zoom call that shook me up, lifted my spirit, and brought me back from the horrible depths of hopeless desolation. 

It was after that that my perspective shifted.

I now believe that the fight with Cancer is ultimately an endurance game. A test of mental, physical and spiritual stamina. An Ironman multi-athlon of sorts, which puts your body, mind and spirit through the ultimate test of grit, tenacity, determination, long-suffering, patience, and perseverance. 

How many times can you get back up again when avalanche after avalanche of bad news hits often and hard, when wave after wave of physical suffering and pain tries its best to knock you down, and when tsunami after tsunami of medical bills attempt to financially drown you? How many times can you just. keep. on. going? How many times must you keep on going?

The answer is – Every. Single. Time.

It's not enough to be positive, joyful and faithful the first time around. You have to get into the right mindset every single day. BUT... how do you slay negativity, find joy and keep the faith in the thick of tribulation? When faced with sickness, pain, suffering, and possibly even death? 

Well, it's not easy, I'll tell you that.

But it's not impossible.

How can I be so sure? 

Because God is good. And He is faithful. And His Word tells us that He will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear. AND EVEN WHEN – not if but WHEN, says the Bible – we are tempted at some point or another – to give up, to give in and to just surrender and quit (it's true, I've been there 😔) – the beauty of it all is that He will also provide a way out so that we can endure it (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Your job, as you wait upon the Lord,

is to be strong and courageous (1 Chronicles 22:13),

not lose heart, and make this season of renewal and purification

for the sake of eternity really count (2 Corinthians 4:16-17).

However tough, trying, demotivating and difficult your situation right now, remember: Your suffering is never in vain. God is using your pain for a purpose – to mould you, shape you and refine you. To get you from where you are, to where you should be. More importantly, to bridge the gap between who you are and who you should be. 

Whatever you're going through, the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords has deemed you able. And if He thinks you can do it, cummon! You. can. do. it! Fight the good fight and finish the race having kept the faith (2 Timothy 4:7)! The best part of it all is that you don't have to do it alone. For His promise is that He will never leave you nor forsake you. 

God gives His toughest battles to

His strongest soldiers. And don't worry.

He never abandons them on the battleground, ok.

So, friend... as you brave this fight with cancer, remember that you. are. not. alone. He is with you and for you, so nothing can be against you (Romans 8:31). And if you're a survivor and need a friend to pray and journey along with you, write me.

My New Normal

Whilst everyone is talking about adjusting to life post-COVID and adapting to the new normal of temperature taking, mask wearing and hand sanitising, the "new normal" for post-chemo patients like myself... is this somewhat different.

I have trouble concentrating whenever the kids tell me things without getting straight to the point. 

My friends talk about conversations I don't remember being a part of. 

I ask people questions then immediately, doubt sets in and I quickly qualify myself because deep down inside, I don't know if I've already asked those questions once before. 

I boil eggs on the stove and completely forget about them 2 seconds later unless I set an alarm on my watch for 10 minutes. After it rings, I may forget again.

I also have a recurring alarm to remind me to take my Femara at 11am daily. Even then, I sometimes forget and end up taking it at 10pm instead. 😣 That is, IF I happen to spot my pill caddy while walking about. 

I walk around the living room sofa numerous times in confusion (and semi frustration) before I remember I actually first stood up to look for the fan remote. 🤦‍♀️

I watch movies and the actors/actresses look familiar but I can't name them or remember the titles of other movies they've acted in. 🤔

I see a face in my mind but can't for the life of me remember its name or context. I get this feeling that it's somewhere riiiiiightttt there – lost in the fog – but it isn't. Or is it? 🤷‍♀️

I pick up my phone to reply a text but stare at it for awhile before choosing a song to play instead, only to remember hours later, or sometimes never.

I forget lyrics I once knew by heart and I can't seem to remember the lyrics of new songs no matter how many times I listen to them. 

And the list goes on and on.

It's debilitating. Confusing. Frustrating. Humbling. It causes me to doubt myself. A lot. It affects every part of my life and I don't see a way out of this foggy mess that is now my mind, which seems out to cheat on me and lie to me every single day. Memory recall is either bad or non-existent altogether. Short-term memory is sh*t, too, and the constant mental fog is just plain frustrating.

You know, I used to be really good at remembering he-said she-said conversations but I feel those memories don't stay with me very long now. I find myself struggling with missing pockets in every conversation, and some scenes turn foggy altogether. In an I'm-not-sure-it-even-happened kinda way. 😓 So how do I make new memories post-chemo? How can I be sure of the validity of those that came before? I don't know. 

#chemobrain – the struggle is real. 😢

Philippians 1:21

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."

– Philippians 1:21

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Paul was right. His Word is true.

To die is gain.