Ugh. Meh. Bleh.

Since Wednesday, it’s felt like I’ve been 

trapped on a never-ending carousel – in and out 

of hospitals and clinics, round and round, day after day.

16 April 2025, Wednesday: Ultrasounds + Consult with my Breast Surgeon @ Gleneagles Medical Centre.

17 April 2025, Thursday: Blood tests + X-Ray + Zoladex + Consult with my new Oncologist @ Sunway Medical Centre.

18 April 2025, Friday: My new helper who's been with us 2+ months has always had allergies. But she developed an extra bad allergic reaction to goodness knows what overnight so I brought her over to the pharmacy for some antihistamines in the evening. Unfortunately, it didn't help address the issue. So later that night, we ended up at a nearby clinic pula for her to get shots. 

19 April 2025, Saturday: Uneventful on the medical front today – thank God – but positively perfect on the religious side of things. 🌈✝️ #EasterWeekend 

20 April 2025, Sunday: Brought my helper back to the clinic a second time cos the effectiveness of the shots wore off and her allergies came back. 😮‍💨💉💸 (No more pics cos bo lat and muak already.)

Ugh. It feels like I've not had the chance to really unwind and catch my breath after my hormone therapy, which then leads to lingering tiredness and emoness maximus all weekend and into the new week. I go to bed most nights feeling crummy, emo and sad. 

Zoladex also gives me insomnia to a certain extent. For about a week. These few days in particular, I find myself lying awake in the dark, being unable to sleep, feeling frustrated about lying awake in the dark being unable to sleep 🙄, and just hating everything and nothing at all. Yes, it all but makes sense.

It makes me miss the days when life was simpler – easier. When a steady diet of fast food and roti canai didn't matter, when window shopping was considered exercise, and when the nights were young and the knees were good. 🦵 (Oh yeah, forgot to mention that I also hurt my left knee by accident sometime 2 weeks ago and it hasn't been right since. Sigh.)

I miss my life in KL, I miss the places I used to frequent, I miss the supermarkets, I miss the malls, I miss the highways, I miss my friends, I miss my community – MCKL, CHCKL, USJ9, E0506, #ChilternMoms, #SuperMoms, and of course all the standalone friends that I made along the way – all of it; all of them. I miss it all. 

But here I am. This is life. It is what it is.

JZ & JJ's 1st Communion

We hadn’t planned it in advance, but today, JZ and JJ ended up receiving their first communion during the Easter Weekend Service at Penang Christian Centre. A spontaneous milestone on a special weekend – unplanned, but no less meaningful. Definitely a moment worth dusting off Tinki Talks to jot down, so we never forget.

JZ's 1st Communion

JJ's 1st Communion

 

For JZ and JJ to have their first communion whilst sitting between The Husband and I during Easter weekend? It's gotta be divine timing, if you ask me. 😇


I’ve yet to ask JZ what he thought or felt about it. But JJ, who was sitting next to me, turned to me right after prayer, scrunched up his face and whispered, “The drink was bitter.” 🍷 Haha.


Okayyyy... 😅 Wait till you try real wine, kid. But it's all good. It's good if you don't like "wine," cos alcohol is bad for you. Mommy hates wine, too! I also think it’s bitter. 😆 #likemotherlikeson

You Smell

Sometime last week, I was sitting down with JJ somewhere forgotten doing something unforgettable when, out of the blue, a mosquito started attacking me. ZzzZzzzzZzz – I kept hearing it and seeing it come dangerously close to my bare arms and legs. That deadly tease! 😡

I attempted a murderous clap at it... but missed. I dodged... and escaped. But constantly swinging between clapping and dodging, fighting and flight-ing, is hella tiring! 😮‍💨 "Why is it attacking meeee???" I wailed – a question to no one in particular. 😫 But the answer came swiftly: 

"BECAUSE YOU
SMELL SO GOOD!"

JJ burst out angrily and stomped off 

leaving me to fend for my life alone.

😳

Uh... Sorry, Son. 🫤 But thank you? 😅😂

p/s: I should really remember blogging things I would like to remember before I start losing details. This just happened last week but #ChemoBrain is real! #TheStruggleContinues

Happiness Or Happy-less?

"Happiness is a choice."

Or so they say. 

But is this true? Is happiness really a choice? 

Or does someone else choose if you have it?

The reality is, that happiness often lies beyond our control, influenced more by the circumstances we find ourselves in, rather than by choice. I do not choose to be unhappy. But I find myself grappling with unhappiness, nonetheless. 😔

So, while we can make choices that may lead to moments of joy or contentment, asserting that happiness is purely a choice overlooks the myriad of uncontrollable external elements that shape our lives and affect our emotional landscape. 

In the end, perhaps it is not about choosing happiness, but about navigating the complexities of choice and circumstance with grace and resilience. And hopefully, somewhere along the way, there'll be happiness.

The New Reality

Loved < Lost 

Joy < Sadness 

Security < Fear

Confidence < Insecurity

Appreciated < Abandoned 

D-Day

D-End. ⚰️⚱️☠️

The Problem With Moving

Source: "The problem with moving abroad" by @destination_savvy

Saw this on IG today and it just summed up how I felt

when I was in the thick of planning my move back to Penang. 

No, I never lived abroad. Never had the chance. I studied, began my career and started my family in my homeland 🇲🇾, except I was a 3.5-hour drive away from the city in which I was born. 

Moving to KL at 17, I didn't think anything would change. I didn't feel the difference nor expect the divide when I left. I didn't foresee any detachment. I mean, I was born and bred in Penang! NRIC 07! I would always be a Penangite! And a proud one at that! 🫡

But still, it happened. This happened. 👆

It was only when I was preparing for my move back to my hometown a good 18 years later when I was in my mid-thirties, that the distinction between the me then and the me now became obvious. I realised that I didn't know how to move back home,... because home didn't feel like home anymore. 🫤

I left a carefree teenage student at the cusp of life.

I returned, a wife and a mother, and later a survivor, 

with a business to run and a home and family to care for. 

I can't explain it any other way. It really, really felt like time stood still the whole time I was away, and I had outgrown this life that once was mine. To be honest, Penang was almost unrecognisable. I couldn't get to where I wanted to go without Waze. (I learned to drive in KL. 😅) And even old friends had turned into familiar strangers almost two decades later. 

Still, I had to try.

Refamiliarising myself with my little island took a while. In fact, it took longer than expected, no thanks to Covid and the lockdown. And although I still miss my life and friends in KL so many, many muchness, 4.5 years later, I can finally say that I'm starting to grow accustomed to life back in Penang. 🏝️

I've kinda settled on my favourite hawkers, haunts, and hangouts; places where the aunties, uncles, and service staff know me, my name and my order well enough for me to sit down and just have the food arrive. (Every day go same place, eat same-same. 😆) I've rekindled old friendships and made new ones. But yes, I still use Waze everywhere I go; at least now it's mainly to avoid traffic. (Penang also always jam.)

Is this home? Well, my house here feels like home. 🏡 But beyond these four walls, I still have a ways to go before I can honestly say that Penang is, without a doubt, where I feel most at home at as opposed to anywhere else in the world. In the mean time, I guess this is my truth:

Penang is my base, KL is my escape and Family is my home.

The Word "Piano"

JJ has always had a way with words.

JJ: Do we have piano today? 

Pam Song: Yes

.JJ: WHATTTTT??? I hate piano!

Pam Song: You still have to go.

JJ: Why?? Even the word "piano" has NO in it! Pia-NO!

Pam Song: 😅😂🤣 Hahahahaha... Good one. Let's go.

JJ: NooOoOoOOoooOOoo!

LOL. This boy cracks me up!