I find myself feeling that way a lot these days.
JJ is now at JZ's old pre-SCHOOL. I used to feel so comfortable there with my other mommy friends. Just chilling, laughing, and catching up after drop-off and pick-up. That was our place. Our hangout spot. Our zone. Now? It's cold and unfamiliar. All the more so because I don't have time to linger. I don't even go in anymore during drop-off because I have to zoom off to pick JZ from his "big-boy school". Doesn't help that we're also told that school is now a no-parent zone during school hours. So... yeah. It's familiar, but it's not the place I remember it to be anymore.
But people change and FRIENDSHIPS evolve, too, I guess. My mommy friends and I are still good friends. In fact, I'd say they're my core group of friends at this juncture in life. But having our kids in different schools all over town, that start and end at different times, have made it difficult for us to meet up as regularly as we did before. Now, catch-ups are always rushed. We all arrive and leave at different times. And it's difficult keeping up with what's happening with everybody's life and kids and holidays and helper problems. LOL. WhatsApp chat groups can only do so much to help keep the friendships alive; it's time together that helps them thrive.
Then there's CHURCH. It feels good to finally find a place that we feel comfortable in once again. It's also great cos The Husband is now on fai-yahhh and is keen on serving. But oh... how long it's been since we've served in church. I don't know about him but I don't even know where to start! Worship team? No way they're gonna let a newbie up on stage immediately. Dance ministry? I can't tell for sure yet but it doesn't seem like they have one at the church we're at. Sunday school? Sure, I've served there before at CHCKL but... I'm not so sure it's for me. #zeropatience I can't wait to step back into things but I don't know where I should place my steps anymore.
And PENANG. Oh, Penang. I've started to look forward to the fact that we're going to go back to Penang. But I also wonder how things will be when we eventually do up and leave KL. I've not lived in Penang since The Husband and I got married. And from what I can remember of the 1 year and a handful of months that I lived there before our marriage... I didn't at all feel at home then. I missed my friends, I missed the work that I did in MCKL, and I missed my freedom. I was in the place I grew up in, but I didn't feel like I settled in very well at all then. What if I end up not feeling completely at home this time around, too?
Going back to Penang also sounds like a great opportunity for me to start exploring DANCE again for fun and for exercise. I've got the contacts and the people to dance with all settled already. Seems like I can just go back and jump right in. But gosh, I don't think I even groove to the same music them kids groove to these days anymore. "Can't Stop The Feeling" from Trolls is about as groovy as this mom gets these days. And them sexy, rolling-on-the-floor, body-roll stuff... I don't think I can do that anymore.
Above the fun and play and dance and doodles, there's the worry of how BUSINESS is going to fare for me once I head back to Penang. YLEO has been a good source of income for me and it's been going swell thus far but with the impending move, a lot is going to change. Processes remain the same but I won't be able to pick up orders for friends and family, and a whole bunch of us will have to resort to shipping our monthly orders up to Penang. The increase of cost is not going to be good for business; and neither is their recent announcement of price increase come April 2017. Sigh.
I guess the problem is this:
I have too many unanswered questions
because of the state my life is in now – in limbo.
What if my kids can't get into our school of choice in Penang by the time we need to move? Where will they go then? Are the international schools in Penang better than KL or at least as good? Should we go with American or British syllabus? Will they have a spot midway through a term?
What are my friendships gonna be like once I move back to Penang? Will we be able to last the distance? Or will we just draw apart, move on and forget that we ever were? Will I be able to find another good set of friends back there?
Why did it take us so long to settle into a good church and find a cell? Why do we have to leave so soon after we've found one? Is 6 months long enough for us to root ourselves in SIB? What will uprooting be like when we have to leave? Will we be able to find a good church in Penang to root ourselves there?
Why does Penang feel foreign to me? When will I feel like Penang is home once again? Why does renovating a home cost so much? Should we do more cos we plan to live there? Or should we do less cos we'll eventually move again? Will we move again?
Can I still dance? Can my 32-year-old body still move the way it did?? Do I still have the moves??? What if I can't bend that way no more?? What if I can't even keep up with the class cos of my #mombrain and lack of stamina??
Will I still be able to be financially independent when I'm back in Penang? Will my YLEO business survive the move? Will my downlines continue to make their monthly purchases without my help to bring their stuff back for them? Will the price increase cause them to stop buying YLEO altogether??
Everything is so overwhelming!!!
But then again, I guess the human mind and body
can be about as resilient as a cockroach when it needs to be.
Persistence. Patience. And lots of Prayer.
I choose to believe that that's all it takes.
Well, I didn't think I could write long, grandmother, emo posts like I could before. But I guess that blogger hasn't died; she was just hiding somewhere deep inside me. Just like my inner pre-school mom, social butterfly, servant of God, Penangite, dancer and businesswoman. Just gotta lure them out. I'm gonna lure them out. Just watch me do it.